self love.

where to begin?

i've had a not so awesome few..several, months. and i finally, finally, decided to do something about it.

my comfort zone and regular hang out has quickly become my bed. reading in bed, netflixing in bed, eating in bed..you get the idea. fatigue has become my new friend-- it takes me hours to fall asleep, i toss and turn all night long, wake up feeling exhausted- and go through the day feeling sleepy and foggy, never fully awake. never waking up feeling rested. i take any and every opportunity i have to nap. ive been to church once since october. i'm off every single friday from work and spend it doing laundry, chores around the house, sitting in bed watching tv, and napping. i've suddenly realized i've developed some kind of social anxiety- i make plans and instantly regret them, wanting to get out of the house but wanting to stay home.

last week i decided to work on putting some effort in to showing self love.

i made an appointment for a physical; i cant remember the last time i had one, and i'm hoping some blood work will show something 'off' to explain the constant exhaustion.

i made an appointment for a teeth cleaning, i'm just way over due.

i made an appointment that i have cancelled and rescheduled several times, at the dermatologist to have a few questionable spots checked cause apparently thats what adults do?

i also made an appointment with a therapist, to start seeing as regularly as i can afford, to really work on stuff. (i started that last week)

i went back to church week before last, and plan to go this sunday as well. i joined a small group that starts next month and seems to be perfect for my life right now.

when i can save up some money i'm treating myself to a hair cut/color/highlight; i maybe get my hair done twice a year- and lets be real ladies, its a hell of a pick me up.

also, when i can afford it, i want to get mysekf a working diffuser and re-stock my oils. it helped my mood, sleep, and overall health when i used them regularly.

i've looked in to a yoga class down the street to potentially give a try once a week...i've yet to go but seriously thinking about it. courage needed.

so, baby steps.

grief.

today has been weird.

i haven't been to church since october. joey hasn't stopped asking, every week ' you going to church with us today?' and my answer is always no. end of conversation. he hasn't pressured me. people from church, friends, family have asked me whats up, where i've been. i always have an excuse...some genuine, others not.

today i had a couple friends text me, different folks reaching out. joey came home and told me everyone misses me, and then we had a chat.

i'm not okay, with my granny being gone.

i'm not angry at God, i don't blame Him.

i just don't want to go to church right now.

going to church makes me feel, and i just don't want to feel.

even on my most joyous day, church makes me feel- as a good church should! a song can bring me to tears, a sermon gets my mind working, my heart moving. so its just the last place i want to be when my heart is totally shattered.

i've been trying to 'fake it till i make it' with this thing. the first month after she died, i totally and completely fell apart- i had a very difficult time functioning day to day. it started affecting me in all aspects of my life at home, and at work- everywhere. so i tried to suck it up and move on, which meant trying to bury it, be numb.

i stopped going to church. i stopped going to small group (both of them). practically stopped praying altogether. i stopped everything and anything that made me feel.

i sleep whenever possible- thats called depression folks. i literally plan my days around sleep, if i can squeeze in a nap, go to bed early, whatever. yet...at night? i toss and turn, lay awake till 1am, i feel like i haven't had a proper nights sleep in months.

i avoided going to my granny's house, cause it hurt too bad. i didn't want to see her not there. yesterday we had our extended family christmas there, and i tried to think of any reason not to go. but i had to. i kept looking at her chair, just staring. remembering the last time i saw her sitting in it- the day she went to hospice, my mom and i cleaning her up and changing her clothes. watching the numbers going up and down on her oxygen monitor, reminding her to breath through her nose. trying to get her to eat.

staring at the couch, remembering that day, seeing her laying on the couch barely awake, struggling to breath, but still trying to visit with me.

i didn't want to be there yesterday.

my niece brings her up, she did last night (cousin sleep over!) and i changed the subject. i can't talk about her. i don't want to feel it.

i dream of her often, but not sweet dreams. replaying her last seconds here. i was holding her hand with my left hand, sobbing in to her shoulder, with my right hand over her heart- feeling its last beat, feeling her last gasp of air.

most of the time, i hurt. all the time. then sometimes, i'm numb. and it doesn't feel real that she isn't here.

i listen to the speech i gave at her funeral, a few times a week. i listen to the song josie sang at her funeral over and over. i look at her pictures daily.

i know this isn't the right way to handle it, i am aware of that....but its just how i'm dealing right now.

how is she not here?

Glory to God.

I've had several folks ask if there is somewhere I have this little story from start to finish, so, here it is. (Although, it is not finished!) I also had people ask how to share the vlogs I have posted on my Facebook: each post is public so you're able to share it, or tag friends in it if they'd like to see it. (I've had several people ask me about this, I'm not just like "hey make me internet famous and share my video!" nope.... but more on that later)

The first week of September, I was pulled over in the Kroger parking lot by my work, finishing up my makeup, having some quiet time before work, and decided to do a vlog update on Facebook. I was talking about my journey through the grief of losing my granny, joining a small group, volunteering to serve in the nursery at church--- I looked over, and noticed a family. Living in their car, a mother and daughters. It broke my heart.

I couldn't stop thinking about them, so the next time I saw them I handed mom a note just saying that I was praying for her- and listed our church's contact info.

The next time I saw them, I gave her another little note, a devotional, and a Kroger gift card.

Then, we started talking.

Her and her four daughters, ages ranging from 12 years old to 18 months, have been living in a four door sedan- tiny. Her husband decided he did not want to be married anymore. She couldn't afford daycare, had to leave her job, things spiraled and they ended up living in their car. After speaking with my husband, I knew I wanted to do something but I wasn't sure what.

I reached out to my pastor and he began helping me look in to long term shelter options.

I started vlogging more and more about it on Facebook. Before I knew it people jumped in to action: people giving gift cards, diapers, wipes. Offering to help with her car note, her phone bill.

Another friend opened up her home to this family! They have been staying there since last week in a fully furnished basement. I'm so thankful they are off the streets!

We're working hard to get them where they need to be, and are very very close.

Mom is doing everything she can to get back on her feet, she is such a strong woman- she clearly adores her children and is putting those little girls first for sure. I'm so proud of her and admire her so much!

I have gotten some negativity, which honestly...stinks.

' how do you expect to get a homeless woman with four kids a job?'

'why don't you try to help someone in our own community?'

'don't you think she owes you an explanation as to how she ended up here?'

I've also had some quote scripture to me (specifically Matthew 6: 1-4) : which, let me be clear: I am not looking for praise, or credit. I am not showing off, or bragging.

ya'll. I vlog- its what I do. I vlog about everything, I blog about everything. And if it wasn't for me putting this out on social media, NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE happened. The out pour of love and support from people has been incredible. Things are falling in to place so smoothly and quickly it is mind blowing.
This is not because of me. This is GOD. All glory to God ya'll. This is such a God thing and I truly believe that.

I could've not noticed them. I could've noticed them and chosen to walk right by with out giving it another thought. I truly believe God opened up my eyes to see them, and planted them in my heart moving me to try and help however I could. I have said, and will say again- I saw myself in that mother. Loving her kids, doing whatever she could for them. Provide for them and protect them, keep them in school. I pray if I were ever to be in her shoes, someone would see me and help me. I have never done anything like this before in my life, but I'm following my heart and my gut. I have been praying all day every day about this family, this situation, asking God for guidance and the right path to take. I believe in my heart I'm on the right path.

I was drowning in my grief over losing my granny. I was begging and pleading with God to fill me with peace. Bring back my joy, hope, and purpose. He listened.
A friend wrote to me over the weekend:
" My dear Kelly, God has helped you focus on helping others instead of drowning in your own grief. While He is still allowing you to heal from the loss of your grandmother, He is leading you and helping you discover ways to help others and bring good people together to help this family of five. You are God's child and you are working for the benefit of others, always remember when we focus on others, God helps us heal from our heartbreaks by lighting the way for us to focus and help others. God heard your cries and He carried you through these times. You will always have days where He will be there for you. But He is lighting the way for you to grow in His spirit and finding your gift from Him. Always keep God first in everything!"

if you know my heart at all, if you know me at all-- you know my posting is not bragging, seeking attention, or praise. I'm following my heart, trying to help this family. It is as simple as that. Over the last year I've really been striving to live my life as a Christian, for the first time in my life.

Regardless of anything hurtful, judging, or negative. I do not regret for one second starting all of this. Not long ago someone helped me in a huge way, I swore to them when I could I would pay it forward. I was talking with Mom last week and she promised to re pay me, I told her she owed me nothing. I told her if and when God ever presented an opportunity to her to help someone, show them love, to simply pay it forward.

  This family is amazing! Mom has secured a job, we're figuring out daycare, we're getting them some clothes and things they need- we're getting them back on their feet! I'm so proud of them, and I am incredibly proud and honored to call all of you have helped my friends. Mind blowing, best way to describe it! Mom and daughters came to our church Sunday and I was so thrilled! My heart is full and my joy has returned. Thankful to call them my friends!

4 weeks of grief.

it has been a month since my granny passed away. four weeks of grief.

i woke up yesterday feeling blissful. i've had moments of peace over the last few weeks but for the most part, i've been in the dark place.

the first week she was gone, i cried a lot. more than i have in a long time. at the drop of a hat the tears would come. in the morning i woke up foggy, and it would hit me, and i couldn't stop the tears. that first week back to work i cried every day on the way there, and each afternoon on the way home. at night i laid in bed next to my sleeping husband, just praying for sleep. crying silently for hours.

the second week, i was numb. i just felt nothing, it was a really confusing feeling. i felt empty. walked around in a daze, hardly cried at all.

the third week, i was angry. at every one and every thing. i just walked around feeling this rage inside that i couldn't pinpoint or explain. i had no idea what i was angry at, but it filled my whole self. i hated myself that week. i was short with my husband, had no patience for my kids. i was a real jerk.

this last week i felt half normal, but still not sleeping well.

saturday night, after putting adelynn in bed, i was reading a book and she called for me. this isn't unusual, and if you have a four year old i'm sure you understand! she calls us in there many times a night before finally falling asleep.

she was holding the pamphlet from granny's funeral- it took me by surprise because i have no idea where she got it from.

she said " who is this and what does it say?"

'thats my granny, it says she is in heaven with Jesus'

she began stroking my hair, my cheek, and said " mommy, if you walk up there you can talk to your granny. she is with Jesus but you can talk to her. mommy, just tell daddy that your granny is in heaven but that you want to talk to her. you can talk to her."

it took my breath away. all i've thought over and over since granny passed, was i wish i could talk to her. i wish i could hear from her. get some kind of sign. after kissing my sweet girl and heading back to my room, i sat in bed and just thought over everything she had said.

on a more material note, the day after she passed i started looking for anything and everything to keep her close to me. rings, necklaces,memory boxes, etc. i found a store on etsy that inscribed her handwriting 'love granny' on a ring for me, along with her thumbprint. my SIL court is making me a locket out of dried flowers from the funeral. i was drooling over an origami owl locket to build in memory of her. i just wanted her close to me in every way.

i opened up an origami owl online party to try and earn myself a locket free, since lord knows i didn't have the money for it. in the time my party was open: two good friends bought me charms, one bought me a chain, and my coworkers all pitched in and got me the locket. mind blown. how did i get so lucky to be surrounded by such thoughtful and sweet people? why were they spending their money on me? i just couldn't fathom it. so low and behold i ended up with what i refer to as my granny locket.

i added a picture of granny and paw paw in it, and it was the perfect final touch. i'm still waiting on two charms to come in the mail, so i can hardly wait to complete it. it is so very special to me, i've been wearing it every single day since i got it.

i think of granny every day. it makes me sad that it took her passing away for me to think of her so often. it is so easy to take advantage of the fact our loved ones are here. cause they are here, till they are not. and it is so easy to have regrets, i have absolutely learned that through all of this. lots of regrets, but i'm trying really hard to work through those.

a lot of times it still doesnt seem real that she isnt here. i keep thinking i'll call her up, or go over there, and there she'll be. but she isnt. and that is the hardest realization.

i miss her, like crazy.but slowly, i'm getting better. i'm getting more peace. i think i'll always be sad, that will always be a hole in my heart. but i know she is with jesus. i know she wasn't going to get better. i know she was tired. i know all of these things, which doesn't make it easier.... but i'll get there. i'll be at peace, a little bit more every day.

granny.

Jackie Robinson Hill

but I just know her as, Granny.

I have always been my granny's "Kelly Girl", and every time she would call me that, it made me smile, made me feel special. Even as an adult, I loved walking in to her house and saying "hey yall!" and granny would smile and say " hey Kelly girl!" every single time. I started calling my youngest "Penny girl" after she was born, it came so naturally, and makes me think of my granny every single time I say it.

My granny is silly yall. I remember as a teenager, we'd all be riding in the car to dinner and I would be in the back seat with her, and she would just drive me crazy! my mom and my paw paw were always saying "granny, leave Kelly alone! stop picking at her!" she just loved to mess with me and irritate me, almost like she was my sister instead of my grandmother.
Growing up, we went to dinner with granny and paw paw weekly. Spent time at the lake. Had lots of sleep overs with my cousins, binge eating paw paw's nutty buddy bars, and watching Jerry Springer on tv with granny. She would sing us stories like 'the burglar man' and we'd laugh at her silly voices and beg her to sing it again. I loved shopping dates with just her ,my mom, and I. The three of us drove each other crazy, but we love each other so much we just kept going back for more. Granny and my mom have always been so much more than a mother and grandmother to me, they are my best friends.I see so much of myself in each of them, and years ago I would have seen that as a bad thing, but now I smile and thank God.

Thinking about her this morning I realized I'm a lot like her:

- we both married men in the military
- we both love sparkly jewelry, REAL jewelry-specifically rings
- we both love reading books
-we hate window shopping, let us spend all the money and buy all the things!
- she always had a camera in our face, snapping pictures-we hated it! but now I'm the one doing the picture taking, snapping candids, and capturing memories.
- she was so sensitive, it was easy to hurt her feelings...have you met ME?
- she was sweet, loving, and so silly- but feisty too- make her mad? watch out, thats me to a tee.
- Joey calls me a hoarder, I keep anything and everything I deem a memory: from a napkin to our wedding, down to a receipt from a dinner in Germany. THAT is my granny.
- she always called me her kelly-girl, and I call my littlest penny-girl.

My granny never judged me, never turned her back on me. covered in tattoos, dropping out of college, her and paw paw welcomed me in to their home with out a second thought. They never hesitated to take me in. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, but they made sure I had somewhere to eat and sleep. I called her often just to chat on the phone, vent. she would listen, give me advice, and just made sure I knew I was loved. I always felt free to tell her anything with out fear of judgment, or getting in to trouble. I'll never forget the first time she caught me smoking a cigarette when I was in college, I begged her not to tell my mom, and she said "well, ok. but give me a puff!"

I have the honor of wearing the diamond from her engagement ring, in my engagement ring.It means so much more to me than I think she ever knew-- I would joke growing up that that was "my diamond", and my mom and I would play fight over it. It was never about the diamond- I mean don't get me wrong, it is beautiful. I love having a piece of her and my paw paw's love story. Whenever I would see her she'd say "let me see my diamond, hows it doing?"
Their marriage is one for the books. They so clearly loved each other. I always saw my paw paw as a tough man, but when it came to her, he was soft. She stood by his side through this crazy life. She never wavered in her love and support for him. Their marriage is the perfect example of what I pray for in my own marriage. 60 years of marriage, they knew what they were doin'.


I am so thankful I spent her last few days here on earth with her, by her side. Those memories are some I know I will never forget.
See, hospitals, nursing homes, funerals, viewings--- all of the above and everything in between- always scared me, gave me anxiety. This was different. I couldn't leave her side. I had to be there. Even when we knew it was that time, I was rooted to her bedside- my right hand over her heart, and my left holding hers. It was a surreal experience to see her slip away from here to Heaven, and one that truly shook me to my core. Even after she passed, I just sat there, staring at her. Stroking her hand, and praying over her. When it came time to leave the hospice center I had to go back in, one last time, and tell her I love her.

Today is my mom's birthday. We spent today at the funeral home with her brothers and my paw paw setting up all the funeral details. Writing an obituary. Picking caskets, flowers, and everything involved in a funeral. My mom and I went shopping to find a blue night gown for my granny, that was what she asked to be buried in- I think we found the perfect one.
The whole experience, going through these motions, is necessary for me. I didn't even ask (luckily my uncles didn't seem to mind) I just had to be there. I wanted to be with my mom. I wanted to be involved. My paw paw looked at me before we left and said "I love you so much, thank you for being here and helping".

Now I find myself at home, and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so foggy and confused. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm calm, the next angry, but mostly just devastatingly sad.
 I was out this morning going to buy my mom's birthday gift, and was texting with my friend Maria....little did I know, she was in that same store texting me. She found me in the parking lot and I was so surprised to see her--- I'm pretty sure I hugged her three or four times while we stood there talking. I poured my guts out right there in the parking lot to her,talking a mile a minute, with my mind all over the place. Un-showered, yesterday's smudged makeup, lookin' a hot mess of crazy. I was explaining to her how sad I feel, a sadness I have seriously never experience before, ever. She knows, she gets it- cause she's been there. Thank God for sending her to me this morning, I needed a hug so bad. At that point in the day I hadn't seen anyone so there was no one to hug.

I don't know how to get through the next few days, her funeral is day after tomorrow. I hate when people see me cry, and I know a lot of folks will see it Sunday. The tears seem to come suddenly, and out of the blue.

I hurt so bad right now.

I  miss her so much it hurts. I know this is part of life but that doesn't mean its easy. I know shes smiling down on us right now, and probably mad that I told on her for smoking.

I feel lucky that God gave me such a one of a kind grandmother, my granny. She is unlike anyone I've ever known, even when she drove me crazy- i loved her like crazy.

so that i don't forget these moments.

my granny isn't doing well.

she has been in a hospice facility since Monday, and the plan was to take her  yesterday to my uncle's house in Griffin so they could take care of her. i came up here yesterday to spend time with her before she went, because i knew i wouldn't see her as much, if at all, once she was over an hour away. i spent all day and night with her, just holding her hand. she ended up getting worse throughout the day, so they cancelled plans to move her- and she is now staying here.

i went to her house to see her last Thursday, and she knew who i was. when i saw her Monday, she knew who i was initially but by the time i left she didn't know me. yesterday, she would shake her head 'yes' when i asked if she knew me, but i don't think she really did. she has progressively gotten worse.

at this point we're told, the oxygen they are giving her is what is keeping her here. so they are going to slowly decrease it through out today- all the family is here to be with her.

i will forever be grateful for the time i've gotten to spend with her these last couple days. just her and i alone, staring at each other.

yesterday when i first got here, i knew she didn't know who i was, i asked her what my name was and she just smiled at me. i said 'kelly, i'm your kelly girl' and she said 'your eyes are so pretty, and i love you so much.' 

at one point, i leaned in and whispered in her ear "you're my favorite granny, and i love you so much more than you know" - she smiled and started to whisper so i leaned in and she whispered 'i love you more'. at this point in the day she wasn't recognizing anyone, and wouldn't let us near her, she seemed very afraid. so i asked her 'can i hug you?' she shook her head yes and i wrapped my arms around her, she leaned her head in to my neck. i cried my eyes out. it was such a sweet moment.

today when i got here, she called me betty (my paw paw's sister) and told me how pretty i was. i just smiled and told her i loved her, she said ' i love you too', and i said 'i love you more', to which she replied ' no you dont!'.

it has been such an emotional roller coaster- one minute i feel calm, and at peace. the next i'm falling apart and crying. what an incredibly surreal experience this is. i cannot imagine a life with out my granny in it. selfishly, i don't want her to go. but at this point, i know her body is exhausted. i just pray God covers her in peace and comfort, and there is no pain or fear.

a few minutes ago she looked at me and said 'i don't want to sleep'. i told her she didn't have to sleep if she didn't want to, and she smiled.

a few minutes later, she fell asleep.

all day yesterday i spent holding her hand, and just staring at her. talking to her a little when her eyes were open, and just smiling at her reassuringly. i've tried to step out of the room when i cry, because i don't want her to be upset or sad, i don't want her to feel anything but peace, and love.

i've accepted that this is it, she isn't going to get better. and i don't know how to feel about it right now.

i just love her so much-- i hope she knows how incredibly loved she is by all these people around her, even if she doesn't remember who we are.

can i be a kid again?

i haven't written in a long time, it has been bugging me really. i mean, its been since may. but, i just didn't have anything bursting out of me that i had to write out. on my way home from my grandparents, i knew as soon as i walked in the door i would sit down to write.

it seems i have something to get out in my little blog, when i'm filled with emotion.

my granny isn't doing well, she hasn't been for a little while now. i've had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. denial is my friend. one day i'm totally lost in the sadness i feel, the ache in my heart. another day i'm living in blissful denial thinking she is doing just fine. that is the tricky thing with it, there are good days and bad days.

i've always been close with my granny and pawpaw, and i guess i just always had this kid mentality of them living forever. because i really can't picture life with out either of them. i have a lot of guilt, beating myself up-- i haven't spent enough time with them. my mom would tell me i needed to get over and see them-- and ya'll, i'm off work EVERY friday. i just kept thinking i'd go soon, i'd go tomorrow, next week. i got so wrapped up in running a household, being a wife, a mom, an employee, that seeing my grandparents (among a list of other things) got put on the back burner. and now i feel this urgency, like i'm running out of time. i used to be with them regularly growing up. i loved spending the night over there, shopping with my granny, having dinner every week with them.

i have always been my granny's 'kelly girl', even now as an adult, when she calls me that it makes me fee so special. i'm her kelly girl. i guess thats where 'penny girl' came from. but today, was the first time she didn't know me. she had no idea who i was. she kept asking about my sister (i dont have one), and normally when i say "i love you granny" she'll come right back with a smile and say "i love you too kelly girl"... but today, she didn't. today she just looked at me and said "thank you. thanks for visiting." it made me really sad. i know its a mixture of low oxygen, lack of sleep, and medications. i know she knows me. but it still broke my heart.

i'm an adult. i'm going on 30, have two kids of my own, i'm grown. but i feel so far from it when it comes to this. i feel like a little girl. confused, hurting, worried. i've been trying to lean on God, lean on my faith- but its just hard some times. most times, i just want to allow myself to fall apart and cry. but i'm trying to be strong, be there for my family, and help however i can. but ya'll....i just want to be a kid.

this is part of life, it really is. but it doesn't mean its easy, cause it is far from it. i'm praying God guides me through this so i handle it the best way possible. i pray he gives me comfort and strength so i can step up and be there for my family in every way.