tested.

so, i feel like i failed the first test (that i was aware of anyway, consciously) God laid out before me.

friday afternoon a friend invited me out- as much as i wanted to go, i was tired- the kids were going to be home soon, and i didn't want to just bail on joey to fend for himself with the kids. he encouraged me to go if i wanted to though, since i really never go out like that. so i finally, after an hour, said "fine, i'll go" but thought it would be for a drink, maybe two, then my friend and i would come back to my house to hang with our husbands and do some crafts for our small group.

 i crashed and burned ya'll.

she was ready to go after a couple drinks, but i was the one saying " just one more!" because in my head i'm thinking: i NEVER get to do this! the problem is, my tolerance is very low when it comes to alcohol- back in the day i drank like a fish no problem! but motherhood has calmed me down and in all honesty- i don't love going over board anymore. the hang over is not worth it, and being a mom i just feel like...thats just now how i want to be. alcoholism runs pretty deep in my family tree as well, so it would be very easy to find myself in that life.don't get me wrong- joey and i keep alcohol in the house- we like to enjoy a beer or two, glass of wine-while hanging with friends. but we never "party" so to say.

well. i went too far-drank way too much. but it gets worse. when we finally closed out our tab i dragged my friend across the street to another bar, "just one drink then we'll leave." and we did- one drink (for me anyway) and gone.

however- we didn't tell our husbands where we were, that we were changing locations. also, i REALLY shouldn't have driven. granted it was about a mile down the road from our house BUT goodness...thats no excuse. i barely remember coming home yall. and when i did get home my husband told me i was pretty belligerent and rude to our friend's husband. then i proceeded to throw up, a LOT. joey put me to bed, and when i woke up the next morning i thought "what did i do?".

shame. lots of shame. this is not how i want to be, i don't want to act like that! 

our husbands were worried because we texted saying we were on the way back, but then did NOT tell them we were going somewhere else- so here they thought we'd be home any minute, but we weren't. and me driving? shouldn't have happened. i could've hurt someone else, killed myself, left my girls motherless, left some other children out there without a mother or father! i was horrified at the way i acted the night before.

joey is forgiving- he knew i was beating myself up enough about it so he didn't dwell on it. he also knows this isn't a regular thing for me, so he didn't hold it against me. i apologized to both my friend and her husband for my actions and asked them for forgiveness. yet it has stayed with me ALL weekend long.

i am ashamed, embarrassed, and so disappointed in myself. i had MANY moments where my gut told me to go home. or even initially when i fought going out for an hour before i finally caved and went. that was God ya'll. He knew, He knew how the night would go. i failed that test miserably. and it bothers me so bad.

I have been working so hard on this relationship with God, bettering myself and living as a Christian. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk. and then look what happened! My husband and friends forgave me instantly. and I prayed to God asking Him for forgiveness, I know I have it- but I don't have any peace yet. it has bothered me all weekend long. I'm just mad at myself.

is this the first time I have ever drank too much, or driven home? been a mean drunk? absolutley not- but this is the first time it has bothered me this much. i know that means my heart is changing, and my life is transforming on this journey with God. I know that, so thats good. And in the future, before i over indulge? i'm going to think of this time, and remind myself of how i'm feeling right now.

Thank God i serve a forgiving God, that loves me despite my actions, and forgives me always.





*edit: this bothered me for a long time. i didn't drink a drop for about three months. after talking with a friend she gave me a different perspective: she felt like God wouldn't set me up to fail- good point. i don't think He would either! but maybe this happening, just showed me i'm ready to close that chapter of my life. i was ready to not be 'that' way anymore. i was ready to move on. touche' friend, touche'.
since, i've had a couple drinks here and there- but am very aware of how much i drink. and honestly? i just don't have the taste for it like i used to.

new year, best me.

i am so excited for 2016. cause i know i am, and will continue to be the better version of myself.

i have found God, for real. like actually this time. i've tried and failed so many times in the past- but i feel it in my heart.

things that are different:

-i pray daily, often.
- i talk about faith and God with joey regularly.
- we attend church weekly, and i truly look forward to it.
- i (yes me, really) created a facebook group for prayer requests,
- i read Jesus Calling twice a day (once in the morning, once in the evening)
- i started a 30 day prayer journal.
- i randomly stumbled across Power of a Praying Wife, which i bought 6-7 years ago and never connected with, never got past the first chapter. found it, and can't put it down. it allows me to see my husband in a new light, and pray for him intentionally.
- i've started going to therapy.
- i look for ways i can truly help others. big and small.
- i look at scripture or devotions, or some form of God daily.
- joey & i just joined a small group for married couples that starts next month.
- before i react emotionally to anything, anytime i feel defensive or angry, the first thought in my head is 'God'. i take a breath, and then react.

it is a total transformation ya'll, and feels so so so so good.

our church family is a huge part of that. we've grown such an amazing group of people who we sit with at church each week- and it is always growing and expanding! i love going to church and seeing these familiar, loving faces. i know they truly care for me and my family. i know they are just as happy to see me, as i am to see them. this past week a friend and her family came for the first time, and one of the first things she greeted me with was ' you are SO beautiful when you smile!'. it caught me off guard and totally made my day. i hadn't been smiling much in the last year. 2015 was hard on us. and i guess people close to me have noticed, i'm smiling again :)

things are still hard, still stressful. parenting a 3 year old is teaching me patience. finances are forever a stress for us. life is still difficult in a lot of ways.

but it is also SO much better in SO MANY WAYS. i give credit to God- more importantly to these people who have come in to my life and taught me about unconditional love, strength in prayer, and unwavering faith even in the hardest of circumstances.


so blessed. this year will be so different!