so unperfect.

i was a bad mom today.

and to know it, is the worst feeling in the world.

slow your roll reader, its not like i beat my kid or something today. no no.

i was impatient today. my three year old has been sick since Friday- we missed out on a lot of family time and important events. relatives were in town we haven't seen in forever. i was upset. but i kept telling myself ' its not her fault'. i mean poor baby, she was throwing up! so we've been house bound most of the weekend. she hasn't thrown up in well over 24 hours though and seems to want to eat, so i think shes okay ( now daddy has it).

but i was tired today. and impatient. she wanted to play, and i wanted to lay on the couch. she fought me at bedtime, and i yelled at her. not like screamed, just yelled. but i hardly ever raise my voice to her. i saw the look on her face and i was still so mad i didn't even care. i went downstairs and not even 2 minutes later the mom guilt washed over me. i felt like a piece of shit.

i walked upstairs and held her, i told her i was sorry for yelling at her and made sure she understood. she pointed to the canvas above her bed of me,her, and daddy and said " mommys happy."

ya'll, it broke my heart.

i kissed her and hugged her and said " yes, mommy IS happy. i love you so much" and she smiled and snuggled in to me and said " mommy is happy, daddy is happy, i'm happy".

heart.shattered.

i've been in such a deep depression the last several months. and i still see my sweet baby as just that: a baby. i realized tonight, she sees things. she notices when we're happy, mad, or sad.

she saw me crying yesterday and said " mommy, whats wrong? you're sad?"

this weekend has been a mom fail for me all around. and it has affected me in a huge way realizing she is seeing more than i thought she was.

for the most part, i am SO MUCH BETTER than i've been in months. really i am. i guess this weekend was just an off weekend, i was just overwhelmed/tired/stressed. i'm not really sure. but that darkness started creeping back in.

and i really want to refuse to let it back in. especially after this realization with my sweet boog.

i feel like a terrible mother right now. i'm gonna wallow in it tonight. and tomorrow, is a new day. i'm determined to step up and be better for my kids, and really for me too.

two steps forward, three steps back.

things were getting better. today is an 'off' day. i'm in the dark place again.

i wish i could help someone who has never experienced depression, understand what its like.

every single morning, i wake up- and wonder how the day will go. i try to pump myself up, be positive and cheery. but most days, it is literally moment by moment. each moment i over analyze my emotions and reactions. each moment i coach myself to over come whatever is in front of me.

it could be something as simple as a text from someone. it upsets me. so i leave it in my inbox, and look at it probably 15 times trying to decide if my feelings are warranted and true, or if i'm being emotional and taking it the wrong way. seriously. something THAT small. i have to work through each and every moment through out the day.

my first therapy session went well- i came out of it knowing what my issues were- shit, i went in to it knowing what my issues are. i have no problem recognizing the problem, self diagnosing. its the whole, working through it/getting better i have trouble with. my coping skills = bad. duh, obviously. my new mantra (according to the therapist) is 'fake it till you make it'. basically tricking myself in to being happy, and sane again.

i just want some peace.

today, i think, is difficult- because i didn't sleep last night. i was wide awake till almost midnight, got up at 3:30 with the baby- then boog was wide awake so i finally gave in and put her in our bed- but then she wanted to be chatty. then woke up at 6:45...tired. oh, and joey left for the weekend. he went camping with some friends, left this morning and wont be back till sometime sunday afternoon. i've known about it for at least a month, so i've been preparing myself for it-- yes, i have to prepare myself for shit like that. i don't do well with last minute stuff, so he smartly (is that a word? no?) planned this and told me about it well in advance. he knows his wife's kinda crazy.

i digress.

so i didn't sleep, he's gone. i ended up being off work today, but have nothing to do- everyone is at work and (surprise surprise) i have no money to go do anything anyway. i'm already feeling lonely, and he's only been gone 3 hours. pathetic. the weekend feels impossible to me, daunting really. i can already tell its going to go slowly. i'm sitting here, crying, because i feel so overwhelmed- already.

ridiculous.

what is even more frustrating- is i'm sitting here, self diagnosing, addressing what the problem is, knowing how ridiculous it is-- but i'm still crying. i still have anxiety.

its just exhausting being in my own head right now ya'll.

i was planning to get my hair done tomorrow- the little things ladies, they excite me. two hours to make myself feel pretty, and have some 'me' time. i had already cancelled once- i've been trying to get to this dang appointment since february. i literally get my hair done, maybe twice a year- so its a big deal to me. my sitter fell through, so all morning i've been trying to find someone who can watch the girls while i go. nada. everyone is out of town, or busy.

so now that i've really worked myself up, i'm gonna cry this out- try to dry my tears. and carry on. the house ain't gonna clean itself.