day dreamin'

I want to write. I want to write a book, and a blog, and articles for a paper, continue to journal to my girls... I want to write.

I think about it a LOT. My problem is, I don't know that my writing style is 'allowed'. I write like I'm talking to someone, I write how it sounds in my mind. I don't pay attention to grammar or how things flow. I just write. Sure, I go back and re-read to make obvious changes. But for the most part, I just write. Another problem, what do I write? I have plenty to share: life experiences, heart break, tragedy- all that typical emotional stuff. But a lot of it is private, involves others, and I just don't know if I could do it.

So. How do I write? Cause that is truly what I love.

I also want to read, a lot. I have about 8 books piled up on my night stand right now, along with a handful on my Kindle- but barely get to touch any of them. How do you find the time? When do you read?

I want to go to school. I want some sort of degree, for purely selfish reasons. I want something I can frame and hang on my wall, to be proud of. To look at and say " I did that". It has always bothered me I didn't finish college, I had my reasons, and still stand by them- but it bothers me. Again... where do I find the time? and money? shit is NOT cheap.

There is so much I want to do and become. Taking action is hard, only because of things like time and money. Oh, and talent. I may love to write but that doesn't mean I'm good at it. I may want to finish school but I KNOW I'm not good at it.

A friend (and mentor) of mine posted a link on Facebook the other day, and I've gone back to look at it 3x already. Tony Robbins, 'How to Make a Massive Action Plan' , seen here.

When I find the time... (ha, time.) I'm going to sit down and really work on this for some goals of mine. Cause there's no time like the present right?

more changes.

I don't do well with change. I never have, whether its good or bad. I like to plan, organize, be consistent.

After only 4 weeks back from maternity leave, I had to leave my job. I could write a BOOK on that situation, but I won't.

Thankfully I got another job quickly, and one I'm really really excited about. I'm trying to see the stress of leaving my job as a blessing in disguise. I'm slowly getting my happy back.

I'll be working as an Executive Assistant/Marketing Manager for a tutoring center, three locations. I'll be working out of the one right here by our house. It takes me less than 10 minutes to get there, it shares a parking lot with our pediatrician, and is maybe half a mile from daycare. I also work MWF, and get two days home with Penny girl. Which is great, to still spend time with her- but also saves us money on daycare. Winning! Eventually I'll be able to do some work from home T/Th which is amazing. So far I'm really enjoying it, and am so excited to be working in something I love: marketing! My employer also encourages learning- already talking about sending me to a social media seminar. Excited is an understatement. I've started looking at various schools and what they offer in a Social Media certification/degree. That will be down the road, cause ya'll-- money doesn't grow on trees around here. But just the thought of going back to school has me SO excited.

Work-wise, my self esteem was torn to shreds. Just totally crushed. I haven't had to go on interviews for years, so I was really nervous. I knocked them all out of the park, and ended up getting some pretty amazing job offers. Two in particular I had to decline, they both told me to get in touch if my situation changes because they'd love to have me. Talk about good for the soul. It made me realize I need to stop selling myself short. I've always applied to entry level positions, reception, etc. thinking that was all I could get since I don't have a degree. This go around I realized I'm worth more, and clearly there are employers out there who think that.

It has been a really rough and stressful few weeks, but I'm slowly recovering.

I always survive, right?

here we go again....

so, its no secret I've battled with depression off and on for years. there are plenty of sad sappy posts in this old blog to prove that.

I finally got off anti-depressants (which, was really hard) after suffering post partum depression in 2012 when Adelynn was born. By the time I was 12 weeks pregnant with Penny, my doctor put me back on them after diagnosing me with pre natal depression, which I didn't even know was a thing. I was nervous about taking them while pregnant but it proved to be a blessing and really helped me- and penny girl is here, just fine & healthy.

Lately I've been skipping doses on random days. Sometimes because I just do...and sometimes because I just get so busy I forget. Its pretty stupid, I know. I thought about it a lot today and am definitely not going to skip it intentionally anymore.

That, along with some situational stress...has put me in a big funk.

I had 12 weeks off of work to be home on maternity leave with Penny- which was a welcome change from the short 8 weeks I had with Adelynn. During these 12 weeks a LOT happened: recovering from a section, a touch of post partum depression (despite the medication) getting in to a routine with a newborn & 2 year old, having all my wisdom teeth out, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Joey's bday, New Years, and our sixth wedding anniversary. Oh, and Penny got RSV- ended up taking her to the ER and then to the pediatrician every week for three weeks. After that I didn't leave the house unless I HAD to, I didn't ( and still don't) want to get her out in the cold if I didn't have to.

I started back work almost two weeks ago. I work from home 4 days a week and go in to the office on Fridays. Awesome, right? I was so excited to have this time with Penny, that I didn't get to have with Adelynn when she was a baby. I worked really hard to make this happen- I've been striving for it for over three years, got really close once, but it fell through. This whole me working at home gig was my way to enable us to grow our family. Before Penny we knew we couldn't afford two in daycare. And obviously can't afford for me to be a SAHM. Thats how this plan went in to motion. We wanted to grow our family, but wanted to do is responsibly.

Looks like history is about to repeat itself. Hence why I said I WAS so excited...

I don't know what happened. I'm hurt, disappointed, and confused. I didn't do a thing wrong- followed all the rules- did what was asked and expected of me...so I can't help but thing "why? WHY ME?"

hence the whole battling depression thing. again.

I think the stress is what is causing my insomnia, so I'm running on about 4 hours of interrupted sleep every night. I can't sleep. I'm sad, angry, confused, hurt, stressed. Its a vicious cycle.


but, I'm doing what I always do. As much as I'm feelin' all the feels, I'm chugging along and pushing onward. Doing what I have to for my family.