a week or so ago i posted on facebook asking if anyone had recommendations for a devotional. i've been looking for a while and am apparently very picky. i don't want something with a cutesy story and daily verse- thats not what i needed. i wanted something that would force me to crack open my bible, really dig in deep, and work through the struggles in my faith and relationship with God. MANY were suggested and i looked them all up. as soon as i read about Stuck, i knew it was perfect for me.
even this morning, sitting in my car in the parking lot at work, i read the first couple pages of the introduction and knew it was the right one for me.
'we are broken.'
so, here goes nothing.
it begins by asking me to identify three places in which i feel most stuck: finances, hurt, family.
finances: we are struggling, and have been- i'll leave it at that.
hurt: i'm just hurt, plain and simple. sad, broken, down.
family: #daddyissues .... life with a three year old, issues with various parts of my family.
Romas 8: this addresses two ways to live- the first: to know God, to be His, to be filled with His spirit and to enjoy life and peace. the second: to be enslaved to our flesh, constantly pleasing it, and feeling sin & death in it all.
' see, when we step in to faith with Him, God shatters everything. He changes every relationship, how we spend our time, our motives, our passions, how we live and how we die.'
this struck a cord with me- because i'm seeing it happen before my eyes. since i've started to really focus on my faith, daily, and put effort in to figuring it all out- i've seen changes. in my life in general, the way i think, my reactions, my relationships, most of all- my heart.
Study: read Romans 8:1-17
'Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who lives in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation- but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will love. For those who are lead by the Spirit of God are the children of God. the Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry "Abba, Father". The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs- heris of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
So there are two sides to the war from this verse: the side of those who follow the Spirit of God vs. those who live according to their flesh. it reminds me of a message from church a couple weeks ago: living in a Christian worldview vs living a non-christian world view. (you can see it HERE.)
Isaiah 53:6 ' All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned- every one- to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Christ the iniquity of us all'
i have most definitely turned to my own way, my entire life. selfish, self-centered, living a non christian world view lifestyle and not thinking twice or feeling badly about it. until now. the places in life that we are stuck, is a space that longs for God and his forgiveness. when we are honest with ourselves in terms of our sin, we realize the need for God and call out to Him. thats what i'm doing right now.
see, i always saw religion and faith, a relationship with God- as an obligation. something we just had to do, had to believe. which is probably why it often felt forced and fake to me. but now i see it for what it is: our choice.
who are you Lord? and what do you want from me?
where do you go to find life, to find God? 12Stone Church, and random facebook messages with a select few.
what are things that steal joy from you? stress, lack of sleep, broken relationships, worry.
Sources of life & peace:
- in your relationships:
-in your home:
in your mind:
-in your schedule
-in your daily decisions:
Sources of sin & death:
-in your relationships:
-in your home:
-in your mind:
-in your schedule:
-in your daily decisions:
2 Corinthians 12:10 ' for the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong'
- How could this verse transform your view of your weaknesses?
God lives in me....true or false?
Do you understand that no act on your part will achieve salvation for you?yes.
Do you believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God and that He is God?this is one i have always struggled with- just because i don't understand. how is one person the father, son , AND holy spirit? if He is all in one...how is He sitting next to himself, or send Himself down to earth to save us..or...huh? i really don't understand this one.
Do you believe that He took your place in His death on the cross to pay for your sin?yes.
Do you believe that He has risen from the dead and now sits at the right hand of God the Father? yes, and see question 2....?
Have you placed your life in the hands of this God for salvation and hope?yes, many years ago. and again, now.
i have a lot of work to do. there are some parts of this first devotion i left blank, because i'm drawing a blank. but, that means i got what i wanted: a devotional that will force me to dig deep and really think.
gotta start somewhere, and this is a dang good start ya'll.
didn't make it to church, again- sick kiddos! but joey was able to go, and he (and some friends) all told me how good it was this week. i've been wanting to watch it ever since, and tonight was my first chance. so, sitting by the fire-by the light of the christmas tree, i watched.
if everyday you could add value to other people's lives, and at the same time Jesus is recognizing it and saying to you ' Thank You, you've just added value to Me'...would you say that would be a significant day? Living a life that really matters?
for our life to really matter and count, we need to see the big picture.
- Matthew 25: 31-40 (Jesus values people). "Master what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?" ..... "whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me- you did it to me."
Jesus values people so much that when we add value to others, He takes it personally.
Jesus became one of us. Because He thinks so highly of us, and values us so much He left Heaven to come be with us. If you don't see Jesus in the picture when you see people, you don't have the right picture. we need to see Jesus all the time.
every one has the opportunity to add value to people, no one is lacking in that way.
- Matthew 25:42 'whenever you fail to do one of these things to someone being over looked or ignored, that was Me. you failed to do it to Me.'
when we miss that opportunity, we miss the opportunity to minister to Jesus. this helps us see the people we come in to contact with daily in a whole different light. God feels far away? start loving people, care for people- He will begin feeling very close. (this statement hit me in all the feels cause i have been experiencing it almost daily for the last few months)
At this point John starts telling a story about going out to eat with his family. the waiter was killin' it with customer service and really taking care of them. he started talking with him and the waiter told him he works part time there to try and funnel some money in to a business he is starting, that it wasn't going well but he was trying. John said he had a nice talk with him, and felt compelled to gift him financially. the waiter was so blown away and told him how much it meant to him, he gave him a hug and as John was walking away he said it dawned on him, "Jesus just hugged me, that was Jesus."
No one saw the big picture of adding value to others.
Seeing the big picture = seeing Jesus in people's lives.
- It makes insignificant acts, significant. It upgrades everything we do.
Do you think those people that did value to others, if they saw Jesus in others, do you think they'd do more good things? YES.
people who did not do good things or add value to others, if they saw Jesus in others...do you think they would've gotten more involved? YES.
not only need to see the big picture, but i need to be intentional. i need to be intentional because the moment i am, i increase my acts of good works.
' everything worthwhile is uphill' -- nothing is easy, automatic, by chance. the only way you go uphill is by being intentional.
Three words to describe intentional living: Deliberate, Consistent, Willful.
Deliberate : i think about my life and reflect on it.
Consistent : i am intentional on a daily baiss, not just once in a while.
Willful : i made a choice to be intentional.
we are not naturally inclined to think of others first, we are born selfish.
Five everyday essentials to be intentional:
1. every day i value people. Jesus valued everybody. (including the overlooked and ignored)
- Connect with people: everyone needs a friend, everyone has good in them, everyone wants to feel valued, everyone can help me by adding value to me (so i decide to receive it), everyone wants to better their life.
2. every day i think of ways to add value to people. (think ahead, be intentional)
3. look for ways to add value to people.
4. every day i do things that values people.
good intentions have no value, unless they become good actions.
5. every day i encourage others to add value to people.
i loved this message. while listening, so many people in my life came to mind. people who are already adding value to others every single day and in any way they can. these are the ones who inspire me.
it is so crazy to me how each sunday, the message has struck a cord with me so personally the last few weeks. it makes me feel like i'm on the right path, and this is all falling in to place for me finally.
i feel like i've made a big changes in my faith recently. i find it on my mind daily now, looking forward to church each week. joey and i also decided to join a small group together with some friends, and i'm really looking forward to that. i've learned that my faith grows when im around people, in fellowship, people who's hearts are on fire for God and can teach me SO much.
i've found myself praying on the way to work. the other night, Adelynn was being a hot mess three year old and i could feel my frustration rising....i started praying in my mind. thats a first for me. i haven't prayed in so long, and suddenly i seem to be praying all the time.
i suddenly have this intense interest in learning everything i can about God and faith in general. looking for devotionals, looking in to small groups, talking with my friends and family who are strong in their faith.
big things for me. each week seems to get better and better when it comes to my faith.
something cool? 12stone had a reverse offering in ALL services on sunday...when i heard about it my draw dropped. read about it here: http://danreiland.com/a-reverse-offering/
dear God, please help me continue to learn about You. Grow closer to you. please help me look at the world more intentionally, and look for ways to add value to people- whether it be financially, a hug, a helping hand, whatever- ANY WAY i can help. help me to start noticing those opportunities and find the creativity to make things happen for people. please continue bringing these amazing people in my life, right now- when i need it most. help me to grow closer to You, and to see You in others. just help me. Amen.
we weren't able to go to church today- sick kids! story of my life. and this is probably the first time we've missed church, that i've actually CARED that we missed. baby steps.
i watched it first chance i got, and today's message was on gratitude.
Luke 17:17 'were not all ten cleansed? where are the other nine?"
God notices the presence AND absence of gratitude. He notices a grateful heart. God doesn't need your gratitude, he's not insecure- but He wants it, desires it, deserves it.
gratitude = moving towards God
2. gratitude must be expressed to exist. you feel it, do something with it-express it and let it be known.
unexpressed gratitude feels like ingratitude.
the two words 'thank you' strengthen marriage, relationships, work relationships, teams, etc.
"feeling gratitude and not expressing it, is like wrapping a present and not giving it." - William Aurthur Ward
3. gratitude defeats entitlement.
Luke 17 : the nine who did not return were Jewish like Jesus, privileged. the one who did return was an outsider- the only one who came back to say thank you. the other nine felt entitled, the one felt undeserving.
4. gratitude opens opportunity.
Luke 17 "....rise and go, your faith has made you well." he received cleansing, and salvation.
PRACTICES
1. develop a gratitude routine.
example: make a list each day of ten things you're thankful for from the day before.
Giving thanks to God is how we enter in to His presence.
2. improve your gratitude reflex.
how quickly you are to say thank you, to express your gratitude when you feel it.
i will say, i've been feeling a whole lot of gratitude here lately. people have come in to my life, old friends/family and new. they have totally blown my mind with their generosity- and i'm happy to say i've said thank you pretty dang quickly. my heart is overflowing with gratitude, almost daily for the last couple months. and again, i'm just now realizing God is speaking to me through these people. using these people to soften my heart.
you should be thankful, you should be grateful. and goodness gracious am i. and wow....light bulb. thats because of God. here i am all these months and years angry with God, just so hurt and bitter. but now i'm starting to realize that He is not responsible for the bad, He IS responsible for the good.
i'm actually starting to HEAR what is being said in church, i'm actually listening to the messages now. and it is slowly starting to sink in for me. i've stopped resisting and am finally embracing. it feels pretty freeing!
Dear God, please help me understand the 'why' i am constantly asking You. help me understand that the bad isn't You, its satan. help me understand that i don't have to listen SO hard to hear Your voice- i just need to pay closer attention to those around me. amen.
today while sitting in church, i had a light bulb moment.
but let me go back a sec.
i've struggled with my faith, if i'm being honest, most of my life. i've never felt that feeling so many others talk about. i've tried, given up. tried again, gave up again. a couple years ago we got out of the habit of going to church, simply because we just couldn't find a good fit for a church home. we got busy with life, and just didn't really think about it anymore.
in the last several months we found a home at 12stone church. it helps we have friends that go there, it makes it easier to go, less intimidating. funny thing is i can type and blog about my faith, and my struggles with my faith, so easily. it flows from my fingers. but verbally discussing it with others gives me the worst anxiety. i'm not sure why. i've also never prayed out loud...ever.
since we found our place at 12stone i've been putting a lot of thought, time, and effort in to figuring out my faith. my relationship with God.
part of my problem is, not ever really having a good relationship with Him, or strength in my faith. then, hard times. lots of hard times in my life. most recently, this last year. i grew bitter. the "why me?" attitude. wondering why bad things kept happening. selfish and self centered, i know. but hey, i'm human ya'll.
so in my journey to understand this thing, work on a relationship with God- find that feeling, that peace, that hope....i kept waiting for a sign from God. i kept waiting for Him to speak to me as i've heard others mention.
i kept waiting and felt like, what the heck- nothing is happening..so what is the point? He doesn't hear me, he isn't talking to me.
and then, this morning in church- my light bulb moment.
this verse: 2 Peter 3:11
"Since all these things are to be destroyed in this way, what sort of people ought you to be in holy conduct and godliness..."
this verse, i've heard it before- but today i heard it differently. three people came to mind immediately. Katie, Gwyn, Daphne. i work with these three ladies, and i've learned more from each of them than any of them probably know. these three DO love in holy and Godly ways. and this is where my light bulb moment came from.
Katie: this woman.. wow. she is my guardian angel, my mama, my friend, my mentor, my soul mate in some ways. she took me in so quickly- i felt an immediate connection to her, i couldn't explain it but i just felt drawn to her. i had mentioned needing to get some sippy cups for penny to try, and next thing i know she brought me some to work. i needed dark jeans for work photos...she brought me two pairs. she found me some black pants for work, handed 'em over. she is so giving and loving. she collects people i say- she just wants to love everyone and help anyone she can in any way. she has shown me what it means to be there for people, and inspired me to pay it forward. she has been a huge huge part in my cold bitter heart changing. she just inspires me in so many ways, and i love her so much. she showed me the power of prayer- i was amazed. she asked for prayers for a friend, for a particular request, and days later those prayers were answered. it blew my mind- i don't know that i've ever seen prayers answered before. or maybe i had and didn't realize it at the time. after that, i opened my heart to her and told her things i've never told anyone before- i asked her to pray for me. for my family. i told her i needed the help. and that i saw how those prayers were answered, so in my desperation i wanted her to pray for us. she has done so much more for us, her and her husband. but we'll keep that between us, our little secret.
Gwyn: my manager! she is easy to talk to, and is there for me. i've had nice talks with her, with tears in my eyes. i've told her how awkward i feel talking about God, praying, but how i want to. i just can't seem to get comfortable with it. she has given me such good advice, and been such a good sounding board for me. she saw i was looking for a cross necklace, and magically she gifted me one. i told her i've never worn a cross with it actually meaning something- and i feel ready to wear it now as an outward symbol of my faith and work towards God. i was sure i had one but when i looked through my jewelry box i was surprised to see i didn't have one. so BAM...she had one. she has told me she is praying for me and is there for me whenever i want to talk- and it means a lot to me.
Daphne: this lady. talk about strength. Daph lost her grand baby last month. he was 4 months old, and just never woke up from his nap one day. i'll never forget that day- her husband showed up to tell her.....the cry of pain i heard from her office is one i'll never forget. everyone in the office was in tears. it shocked me how quickly my own tears came. i can't even imagine that kind of pain. through it all she has shown grace, love, and most of all faith. her faith never faltered. she continued praying and leaning on God. and i thought " why would something like this happen? why would God let this happen? and how can she still love God and lean on Him, believe in Him?" her faith is as strong as ever, and it is truly an inspiration to me.
so you see...God WAS speaking to me. through them. and it hit me this morning in church, hearing that verse. it was just a crazy feeling. all this time i was waiting to hear from Him, He was using them to chat with me.
these people, all of them, i work with- are changing my heart. they inspire me in so many areas of life but most especially my faith. they make me want to be better, to help others, to pay it forward, to show kindness every chance i get. my heart became so hard and bitter. it is slowly but surely softening up, and i feel it. i can tell by my thoughts, my way of thinking. it feels good. this last year has been so difficult, painful, stressful. i continued wondering why, why did i lose my job- why did i lose it when i did, and how i did. it was awful. i held on to it for so long- and almost a year later i understand. it happened so i could be here, where i am now. working where i am, for who i am, and with all these amazing people. it needed to happen- i didn't understand that until today.
" what are your thoughts on pre determination, fate, free will? Joey and I were talking about this last night- my question was: why would God allow such awful things to happen? The preacher who went to the gym and came home to find his pregnant wife shot and killed....He is vigilant in his faith. he prays. he lives a Christian life. so why does this happen? to him? And the lady who was killed at Walmart-why? I'm not trying to start a debate- just really want to hear your thoughts. In my struggle with faith, and work towards God- these are the questions i continue having."
i posted this question on facebook the other day, cause this is something i struggle with a lot. i don't understand why such awful things happen, why God allows it to. i've heard quite a few answers, church even had a teaching on it one sunday- but i still struggle with it. a lot of people answered and had a lot of great things to say, one in particular struck me. joey. penny's godfather and our good friend. i kept going back to his response.
" It all goes back to Adam and Eve. God gave us free will to love and free will to sin. All sin has a consequence. If God forced us to love Him we would all be robots, and that is not true love. We all live in a Fallen Godless world. This world is satan and his demons playground. This world rejects God. God sits in heaven His foot stool is the earth. Sometimes we will never understand God's will until we get to heaven. I'm sure God is sickened and saddened by all his children that die at the hand of evil. We must eradicate evil. God says he will be back in the end of days to throw and cast satan and his minions into the lake of fire. We don't know when that day is. But until then we must put on the full armor of God. We all struggle with the questions from time to time. I still don't know who murdered my sister? God can take everything ugly in life and make it new and beautiful if we continue to put our trust in Him. Hope this helps. Satan is always trying to shake our faith. Satan's greatest lie is to make us believe none of this exists. To make us believe there is no heaven or hell. To make us believe there is no hope. Satan is a liar and he is only come to deceive, devour, steal, and kill. God save us, and equip us to fight against our enemy! I hope this helps, we can talk in person sometime if you would like. God bless you. I love you and your family."
also in church today-the music. i've heard this song at church before but today it brought tears to my eyes and gave me goosebumps. thats a first. here are the lyrics:
When Death was Arrested
Alone in my sorrow and dead in my sin
Lost without hope with no place to begin
Your love made a way and let mercy come in
When death was arrested and my life began
Now ash was redeemed only beauty remains
And my orphan heart was given a name,
My mourning grew quiet and my feet rose to dance
When death was arrested and my life began
Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
Its your endless love pouring down on us
You have made me new now life begins with You.
Released from my chains I'm a prisoner no more
My shhame was a ransom You faithfully bore
He canceled my debt and He called me His friend
When death was arrested and my life began.
Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
Its your endless love pouring down on us
You have made me new now life begins with You.
Our savior displayed on a criminals cross
And darkness rejoiced as though Heaven had lost
But then Jesus arose with our freedom in hand
When death was arrested and my life began
Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
O we're free, free, forever we're free
Come join the song of all the redeemed.
O we're free, free, forever amen.
When death was arrested and my life began.
O we're free, free, forever we're free
Come join the song of all the redeemed.
O we're free, free, forever amen.
When death was arrested and my life began
When death was arrested and my life began
When death was arrested and my life began.
Joey and I passed notes during church today...i know i'm a jackalope Christian- meaning I believe in God and am a Christian, but I'm not living a full Christian life- I'm doing what I want to do. Heres our little notes about that....
all in all. i've been reflecting a lot today since leaving church this morning. today was a big step for me in my little journey. i'm most definitely a work in progress.
Feeling really low, and I get the best message I could've hoped for- one I needed without knowing it. An old friend said all the things I needed to hear, and I was crying by the end of it. I read it twice, and twice more today.
For all you mamas that need a pep talk? Soak it in, you need to hear these words:
I read your working mom/daycare post. Girl I want to hug you so hard. I had a terrible day at work. And sometimes I drive home and wonder why I torture myself. I want to be home with Baby more than anyone (ok exaggerating!). The way only other working moms can understand. Then I remember all of the financial responsibilities I have that lead to Baby and that give Baby the quality of life I want him to have. I don't find this materialistic. I think providing a home in a safe neighborhood with decent schools and a backyard to play with a dog are pretty basic "material" items that my son shouldn't go without. This as you know comes with an enormous amount of guilt. I sacrifice his time with me to provide him with the American Dream. So he can grow up happy. I think there are many advantages to Baby being in daycare. He learns and experiences new things with kids his age, he's learned early on to share and while mommy loves him she can't always be there. I think these are important things. If I've learned anything this last year it's - Don't let people judge you!! Not worth it's! I have enough guilt without anyone else's help!
There are four of me. There's Mom Me ,Wife Me, Work/Team Leader Me and then there's just plain Me. Learning to balance all of my sides is hard. I feel like if I can excel in one than lacking in the others occasionally is ok. But days like today. Where baby was stuck at daycare for hours (his teacher's shift started after he got there and ended before I picked him up!), Hubs goes virtually ignored. No more sweet I'm thinking about you texts. My day has started and finished before I realize I spent hours working and there are still hours ahead of me. When I blow it so terribly at work I'm not only angry and upset I'm embarrassed. When I get home and console myself with a beer and chips and dip instead of sticking to the diet I should be on to lose 45 pounds. So I can be healthy for me, for Hubs and for Baby. Days like today where I failed at being all 4 of me. These are the hard days. The there's nothing I can do to do it right days. The damage is done at work. No amount of Baby snuggles last beyond his bed time, no amount of Hubs hugs last longer than his embrace. No amount of beer or dip really make me feel better. These are the days I struggle and I struggle hard.
I'm going to put on my favorite I'm feeling down and out and like I've failed as a mom, a wife, a boss and just at being me. I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs that I have the eye of the tiger, a fighter dancing through fire. Cause you're going to hear me roar! Im going too remind myself that life is hard and the amazing experiences come to those who work for them. I'm 29!!! I've been happily (not without challenge) married for 7 years!!! I own a beautiful home in an adorable town. I have a wonderfully sweet amazing little boy who loves me hard and loves Daddy hard regardless of the fact he's in daycare. I am a girl boss! I manage a team of 11 employees many of who are significantly older than me! I am a tiger!!! Yell it girl!!! Scream it at the top of your lungs!!! Remind yourself of everything you've accomplished! You are a tiger! A fighter!!!!
Daycare is so hard girl - easily the hardest decisions I've made as a mom all come full circles to daycare one way or another. Making decisions that are financially prudent are hard but just because they're hard decisions doesn't mean they're wrong. You are a beautiful loving intelligent momma and wife. I know you don't make snap decisions. You've thought long and hard about this. You know in your heart that you're doing what you need to do. Your girls and Joey will love you always. Regardless. So hang tight love! You are amazing. Don't forget it! When Roar doesn't work, don't forget Army wives for life -love ya Sister!
any working mom knows, daycare is crucial. finding one you like, you trust, you can afford. one that will love your child and nurture them. stimulate them, teach them.
not just someone who sticks a baby in a crib alone all day, or puts the tv on for the toddlers. its so much more than that.
trust and love is so important- finding people you entrust with your mom treasured gifts in life- your kids. this world is so scary and crazy.
adelynn has been at Small Wonders in home daycare since she was a baby- its all she knows. We trust them more than I can say. they truly love our kids. they stimulate and teach them, help them experience things (safely). even after two years my mind is always blown by how amazing they are. they have a Facebook group, and post pictures/videos all day long. Its my favorite when my phone notifies me they've posted- to check in and see what my girls are up to.
we knew before we even started trying for penny, that we realistically couldn't afford two in daycare. so, we planned. i worked my ass off with my employer at the time to create an at home job for myself. joey put together a home office for me. everything was in place. i had my employer's full support. right before penny was born we did a week long trial to make sure everything went smoothly. it did. this way we could keep adelynn in the daycare we love, with the stimulation she needs, with the people she knows, and penny could be home with me.
upon my return from maternity leave, our world came crashing down. suddenly, my position was no longer needed. shocked is an understatement. i scrambled to find another job, and we put penny in daycare. but it has been an uphill battle ever since. we are flat out drowning financially.
so now. we finally gave in, and are looking at other daycares. heartbroken is an understatement. this is going to be so difficult on adelynn.
it kills me that because of my failure, my girls have to suffer. because i couldn't do it, they don't get to be where they should be, and with whom they should be with. i'll no longer get those happy notifications on my phone with pictures and videos of my smiling girls- laughing, playing, flourishing.
I spent all morning at work crying. I was so emotional after I dropped them off at school, once I started I just couldn't stop. my heart is so heavy.
i've worked so very hard, so hard. for so many years. i just can't seem to win. i'll never stop trying, or working my ass off. but man. i am legit sad.
and to know it, is the worst feeling in the world.
slow your roll reader, its not like i beat my kid or something today. no no.
i was impatient today. my three year old has been sick since Friday- we missed out on a lot of family time and important events. relatives were in town we haven't seen in forever. i was upset. but i kept telling myself ' its not her fault'. i mean poor baby, she was throwing up! so we've been house bound most of the weekend. she hasn't thrown up in well over 24 hours though and seems to want to eat, so i think shes okay ( now daddy has it).
but i was tired today. and impatient. she wanted to play, and i wanted to lay on the couch. she fought me at bedtime, and i yelled at her. not like screamed, just yelled. but i hardly ever raise my voice to her. i saw the look on her face and i was still so mad i didn't even care. i went downstairs and not even 2 minutes later the mom guilt washed over me. i felt like a piece of shit.
i walked upstairs and held her, i told her i was sorry for yelling at her and made sure she understood. she pointed to the canvas above her bed of me,her, and daddy and said " mommys happy."
ya'll, it broke my heart.
i kissed her and hugged her and said " yes, mommy IS happy. i love you so much" and she smiled and snuggled in to me and said " mommy is happy, daddy is happy, i'm happy".
heart.shattered.
i've been in such a deep depression the last several months. and i still see my sweet baby as just that: a baby. i realized tonight, she sees things. she notices when we're happy, mad, or sad.
she saw me crying yesterday and said " mommy, whats wrong? you're sad?"
this weekend has been a mom fail for me all around. and it has affected me in a huge way realizing she is seeing more than i thought she was.
for the most part, i am SO MUCH BETTER than i've been in months. really i am. i guess this weekend was just an off weekend, i was just overwhelmed/tired/stressed. i'm not really sure. but that darkness started creeping back in.
and i really want to refuse to let it back in. especially after this realization with my sweet boog.
i feel like a terrible mother right now. i'm gonna wallow in it tonight. and tomorrow, is a new day. i'm determined to step up and be better for my kids, and really for me too.
things were getting better. today is an 'off' day. i'm in the dark place again.
i wish i could help someone who has never experienced depression, understand what its like.
every single morning, i wake up- and wonder how the day will go. i try to pump myself up, be positive and cheery. but most days, it is literally moment by moment. each moment i over analyze my emotions and reactions. each moment i coach myself to over come whatever is in front of me.
it could be something as simple as a text from someone. it upsets me. so i leave it in my inbox, and look at it probably 15 times trying to decide if my feelings are warranted and true, or if i'm being emotional and taking it the wrong way. seriously. something THAT small. i have to work through each and every moment through out the day.
my first therapy session went well- i came out of it knowing what my issues were- shit, i went in to it knowing what my issues are. i have no problem recognizing the problem, self diagnosing. its the whole, working through it/getting better i have trouble with. my coping skills = bad. duh, obviously. my new mantra (according to the therapist) is 'fake it till you make it'. basically tricking myself in to being happy, and sane again.
i just want some peace.
today, i think, is difficult- because i didn't sleep last night. i was wide awake till almost midnight, got up at 3:30 with the baby- then boog was wide awake so i finally gave in and put her in our bed- but then she wanted to be chatty. then woke up at 6:45...tired. oh, and joey left for the weekend. he went camping with some friends, left this morning and wont be back till sometime sunday afternoon. i've known about it for at least a month, so i've been preparing myself for it-- yes, i have to prepare myself for shit like that. i don't do well with last minute stuff, so he smartly (is that a word? no?) planned this and told me about it well in advance. he knows his wife's kinda crazy.
i digress.
so i didn't sleep, he's gone. i ended up being off work today, but have nothing to do- everyone is at work and (surprise surprise) i have no money to go do anything anyway. i'm already feeling lonely, and he's only been gone 3 hours. pathetic. the weekend feels impossible to me, daunting really. i can already tell its going to go slowly. i'm sitting here, crying, because i feel so overwhelmed- already.
ridiculous.
what is even more frustrating- is i'm sitting here, self diagnosing, addressing what the problem is, knowing how ridiculous it is-- but i'm still crying. i still have anxiety.
its just exhausting being in my own head right now ya'll.
i was planning to get my hair done tomorrow- the little things ladies, they excite me. two hours to make myself feel pretty, and have some 'me' time. i had already cancelled once- i've been trying to get to this dang appointment since february. i literally get my hair done, maybe twice a year- so its a big deal to me. my sitter fell through, so all morning i've been trying to find someone who can watch the girls while i go. nada. everyone is out of town, or busy.
so now that i've really worked myself up, i'm gonna cry this out- try to dry my tears. and carry on. the house ain't gonna clean itself.
God and I have a weird relationship. I would say most of my life, that relationship has been pretty non existent.
I was raised in the Methodist church, and we went to church weekly. I even went to Youth group on Wednesday and Sunday nights, but honestly it was to socialize.
In college, I went to a Methodist private school, but not because it was a Christian school. I just loved the area, the campus, the feel of it. (it was pretty amazing.)
After getting married, I enrolled in RCIA to learn about the Catholic faith, since I married in to a Catholic family. I felt very inspired and moved throughout the classes, and decided to convert. I wanted to be the same as my husband and future kiddos.
For the first year after converting, I was passionate and motivated. I don't remember what changed, but it changed. My husband and I started dreading going to church, we lacked the motivation or desire. Then we had our three year old and just about everything got put on the back burner while I struggled through post partum depression, and we tried figuring out this whole parenting thing. After that, the excuses were we didn't want to take the baby, but also didn't want to leave her in the nursery. We were tired from life with a newborn. We hadn't found a church we really felt at home at, or enjoyed going to. All of those were legitimate, but they were excuses too.
So fast forward to now. It has been a good three years, or more, since we went to church regularly. We wanted to go to a church we felt at home at, and we wanted to go to church because we WANTED to. Not out of obligation.
Some friends of ours, Kendall & Joey, had invited us to their church numerous times but we always gave a reason we couldn't. We just had no motivation, we just weren't interested. They never pressured or judged, but left the invitation open. I would see them post about 12Stone on Facebook and it would make me stop and think for a minute...but then I'd just keep scrolling.
I believe in God, I always have. I've just never 'felt' the Holy Spirit, or felt like God was speaking to me, or even like he was listening to me. I did my fair share of praying and just never felt heard. I started to doubt if I was even a Christian anymore, and it was a weird feeling.
The moment I KNEW I was still a Christian, was after Penny was born. We started talking about her baptism and I felt this urgency to have her baptized. That is how I know, I still believe in God. I'm still a Christian-- just haven't been a very good one lately. Well, I don't even want to accuse myself of that. Its not that I hadn't been a good one, its that I lost my way. There was no fire, no motivation, no faith really.
Joey came to me a few weeks ago and said he really wanted to get back in to church. I wasn't jumping for joy, but I knew he was right and I also wanted to support HIM. Its not all about me ya'll. So we finally decided to take Kendall and Joey up on their invitation to 12Stone. I was anxious, nervous, dreading it. We went.....and loved it. It was hands down the best church experience either of us have had in YEARS. For me personally, maybe EVER. It just felt right.
However this didn't make me Captain Christian over night. I can't tell ya the last time I prayed. and honestly, sitting in church this past weekend- I enjoyed it, but in my mind I had a little inner monologue going. Basically, I'm just angry with God.
The past several months have torn me down as a whole. I'm struggling, daily. All day every day. and I'm mad at God. I'm not praying, I roll my eyes, and just...feel let down.
So I'm going to keep going to church, and try to light a fire in my heart. Try to start praying again. It is definitely going to take some time, and some work on my part. I feel awkward praying, especially if it is out loud. I'm sad to say I don't think Joey and I have ever prayed together. I always hear about how important it is to pray with your spouse, how it can nurture your marriage- but it honestly gives me anxiety and makes me feel awkward just thinking about it. I have NO idea why.
I'm very very lost, but I still believe. I'm thankful we have two friends who are a good example of what a Christian is. I'm also really glad we've finally found a home church. 12Stone is pretty amazing. We finally set up a dedication for Penny with them, and I'm really glad we got it on the books-- we decided to ask Kendall & Joey to be her Godparents, since we really give them credit for getting us back to church, and taking us under their wing.
We will see where this little journey takes me. It will definitely definitely take work on my part. God and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye right now. I really need my life to turn around, so I'm hoping He'll help me with that. I need peace like you wouldn't believe.
This is what I think about Bruce Jenner: What he does with his life doesn't affect me or my family. I think what he did was brave. GOOD FOR HIM.
One thing that I could relate to as I was watching the interview, was the inner turmoil, pain, depression, and hopelessness.
I deal with all of those same issues, though it may be for different reasons.
For him to live 60 years that way is heartbreaking to me. Good for him to have the courage to take his life back, and do what is necessary to be happy and whole. To be at peace.
I've always considered myself accepting and open minded with MOST things- I'm not perfect. But I believe everyone should live their life in a way that makes them happy, in a way that is real. Love whomever they love- because you truly can't choose who you fall in love with.
Am I a Christian? Yep. Despite what the bible may say on subjects like these... Wait for it.... Might make ya mad...
The bible is wrong. The bible is old! Well okay calm down- it's not wrong. It was maybe right for that time period. For the way the world was then.
It was written a VERY long time ago in a world that was much different than it is today.
I think people need to have the freedom to be themselves- however they may have been born or raised.
It doesn't affect me or you. So who cares? Let them live, just like you get to live YOUR life.
Perfect day? What would that look like for this lady... Fun to ponder on.
24 hours. Starting the night before: a good, hard SLEEP.
Wake up around 8am, enjoy coffee in bed- slow movin mornin.
Meet one of my girlfriends for mani/pedi.
Sushi lunch
Hour long massage
Facial
Movie date with my guy.
Mall trip for a shopping scavenger hunt of the following:
- Apple watch
- Sephora spree
- books , lots of books
- patio furniture
- rocking chairs
- clothes
- coffee grinder
-organic coffee beans
- jewelry
Then I'd hop online and splurge on oils and Younique, along with some etsy finds.
Next I'd go home with all my loot and take a three hour nap. While napping someone would replace our kitchen floor, living room carpet, my mariner with a fully loaded mini van, and re pour our patio.
Ending the day with dinner at the pool with husband and kiddos.
Oh and maybe a hot bath, then another good nights sleep.
when adelynn was born, i knew i would keep up her baby book. aside from that i didn't plan on much else. but while i was in the hospital, my aunt came to visit me and brought gifts. one of the things she brought me was this pretty journal:
initially i thought ' that is so pretty! what the heck will i use it for?'
when adelynn was about 4 weeks old, i realized i had all of these thoughts, feelings, experiences that i wanted to remember- and more importantly, that i wanted to tell her about one day. i had seen an idea on Pinterest about starting an email account specifically for you child and writing them emails, then when they are older giving them the password. loved that idea. but i had this pretty journal, so i decided to go the old school route.
my plan initially was to give it to her when she turned 18. then i changed my mind to her wedding day, THEN i decided when she has her first child. my mom was always trying to give me stuff from my childhood, or old toys etc from when i was a kid- and i always just told her to toss it. even when i was pregnant! i realize i didn't appreciate those things until i became a mommy, holding my baby in my arms. then i got it.
once i started journaling, i couldn't stop. i didn't want to forget anything! i write about whats going on in our lives, holidays, birthdays, funny things she does, when she is sick, etc. the good and the bad- all of it! i finished this first journal when she was about 18 months old. i tucked it away in our hope chest, and already had a second one ready for her.
i found this on Etsy, an italian lady hand paints/binds the pages, and it is gorgeous. it has a ton of pages so i've been using this one since she was 18 moths old, and she is now 3 and i'm not even half way through it! my MIL got this for me for my birthday one year. (even wrote a blog about it, HERE)
so, i knew when i got pregnant with penny girl, i would want to do the same thing. i started collecting little journals i thought were cute as i saw them out and about.
and when penny was born- i was ready! i started writing to her right away. she was born Nov. 11th and i wrote her first entry Nov. 17th.
i plan on doing this for years to come, and like i said- giving them their journals when they have their first child. i really hope they enjoy reading through them one day. maybe learn some parenting tricks, laugh at the cute stories about them, and also appreciate the realness and transparency. realizing i won't be giving them these till they are much older- i don't leave a lot out. i talk about when joey was laid off in 2013, when i was let go recently, depression i'm dealing with, financial stress, marriage, etc. i keep it real because i want them to be able to learn. i remember writing a particular entry when joey and i went to gatlinburg for a weekend to celebrate our sixth anniversary. i wrote to them both about how in love their daddy & mommy are. and how important it is to nurture your relationship with your spouse, as that is the foundation for our family. being connected, communicating, spending quality time together- it helps our marriage, and in turn, helps us be better parents to them.
i take my journals everywhere. i used to carry them in my purse (when i had a bigger purse) so i could write on my lunch break, or wherever i may be. anytime i've traveled i've taken them with me, and i always find some time to write.
i love writing while they are napping- i can see them sleeping peacefully on the monitor, sip my coffee (or wine), and write away. fill the pages with stories, fears, love, and more.
i also started getting a book for birthdays- obviously penny hasn't had a birthday yet, but i started it with adelynn and will continue with penny.
its almost a way for family/friends to journal to them once a year, or like a little year book. i also plan to give them these books when they get pregnant with their first (perfect baby shower gift, i can see it now!) so they have a little collection of books for their babies.
i put them out at birthday parties and make sure everyone signs them :)
adelynn's first birthday:
adelynn's second birthday:
adelynn's third birthday:
i've really enjoyed this little tradition. i hope my girls , one day, will enjoy reading about their lives from their mommy's point of view :)
I've come to realize that I'm not alone. After getting several messages, texts, and emails from other mamas and pre-mamas I've noticed a trend.
Sometimes:
We all struggle.
We all hurt.
We all feel crazy.
We all feel resentful.
We all need help.
We are depressed.
We are anxious.
We love our kids, husbands, friends- but sometimes we need time for us. Sometimes we need to be allowed to be vulnerable, weak, ask for help. We need to be taken care of.
Admitting all of that- makes us STRONG.
So, let's do it.
1-2x a month, let's all get together. No kids, no husbands- just us. Let's vent, cry, complain whatever over a glass of wine or bottle of beer. Let's relax and decompress, take some time for US.
Times are tough- so to keep it cheap:
- eat dinner before you come!
- BYOB
- have the hubs watch the kids
- let's host at different people's homes
I'm notorious for KNOWING I need me time- but then it comes down to it and I feel guilty for leaving the kids, or "abandoning" my husband. Or I'm "too tired". Whatever the excuse. No more excuses!
Time to take care of ourselves, embrace the new normal, and love each other back to sanity!
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