hey there 2014.

well its been a minute since i've been on the old blog. i do miss it. a lot actually. so here i am. was kinda forced up here to the office, hubs is watching football and i could really care less-- i did all the laundry, dishes, cleaning...and i just couldn't sit there and watch a game,ha. so here i am.

last we left off we had just moved in to the house and i filled everyone in on the hot mess of bad luck we'd had. for the most part things have calmed down. our bad luck continued for a bit longer but now i think we're past the worst.

joey lost his job. was laid off. yep- right after i wrote that last blog. we'd only been in the house a couple weeks. we were so shocked, did not see it coming. they had let off a few people but neither of us were worried. so that was awesome...
luckily a friend hooked him up with some temp work right away- so he did that for a few weeks. then he got a brand spankin new job that he just started this last week! so far he loves it. i don't quite get what it is, so don't ask me. but i know its some kind of mechanic work- not like on cars, but big engines and generators. a lot like what he did in the army- which is great, he was trained to do this kind of work! so we're excited, thankful, and relieved.


adelynn is back to her happy self, it took some time but we got through it. thank goodness- it was  rough period for us. she is still loving daycare, and we do too. she has just exploded with new things, new words, she has developed so much! i can hardly believe she is about to be two. i still see her as my baby!

speaking of baby- everyone is pregnant these days. two of my SILs are prego and both due in May! Court is having a girl (Stella Mae) and Josie is having a boy (name undecided). My oldest friend, Neen, is pregnant too- due in August. I'm so excited for them, all these new little babies! LOTS of baby showers coming up lol.

absolutely nothing new with me. still working away at the dental office. doing the mommy thing. tryin' to be an awesome wife. thats about it! nothing exciting.

Christmas rocked this year and was so much fun with Adelynn. Rang in the New Year with our bffs Britt and Zach. and next up is our FIVE year wedding anniv in Feb. holy crap. FIVE YEARS! :)

anyhoo. time for me to run and make some kinda dinner for the babe and hubs. hopefully i'll have more interesting and exciting blogs in the future- this one kinda blows.

cheers ya'll.

i'm giving up on you.

i heard this song the other day, i'd heard it before. but it had never affected me as much as it did this particular day. i was driving to work, early in the morning- it was still dark out, quiet. it came on, and i found myself listening- like REALLY listening, to the lyrics. before i knew it, i had turned it up and began crying with every single word.

"Say Something"


how is it possible that such a sad song, could make me think of you? of all people. thats when i knew, it was time for me to give up on you. on this. because i just can't do it anymore. i've been trying for years and nothing ever works, or ever seems to get through to you. in the past i've gotten mad or just lost it crying and told myself ' thats it, i'm done! im DONE this time, no more.' but i always went back for more. i couldn't fathom a life without you in it, i couldn't picture you not knowing my kids or having a relationship with them. this is not how i pictured my life going.

all this time i've been trying to figure out how we got here, when we used to be so close. i tried thinking of what it was i did, that was SO awful. i was willing to take blame even if i hadn't done anything. i was willing to beg. i tried everything i could think of. this whole thing between us, affects me every single day. i literally cannot stop thinking about it. it affects my marriage, my relationship with others, my child. don't you see that? the position you are in, is a blessing. and you're throwing it all away. you're ruining it. and for what?

this last time i tried, i poured my heart out to you. once again, i took blame for...whatever. i asked for forgiveness and a new start. i pleaded. your response hurt me in a big way. but part of me is glad for that. maybe i needed to be hurt that badly to open my eyes and see things for what they are.

you have nothing nice to say about me or my family. and i won't stand for it. we aren't perfect. but heres the thing- i built this life for myself. i asked for no help from you, i'm proud of where i am-- and i wanted you to be proud too. i've sought out  your approval my whole life. look at my child, look how beautiful she is. how happy and loving. YOU will miss out on that. one day when she is older, i'll explain to her why you aren't there. and i'll let her know, it was nothing she did-- it was all you. THIS is all you.

i had a light bulb moment and realized something. your love is conditional. if things aren't done your way or you don't agree...then thats it for you. you shut down, pull away, with hold your love. and that is so far from how it is supposed to be. that is not love.

let me say again to be clear: what you are doing, is not love.

you clearly think very very low of me, my family. and thats sad. awful actually. and honestly, i don't need that- we don't need that. i'm not going to beg you to spend time with us anymore. i'm not going to plead for you to love me,accept me. i've shown effort/love/forgiveness, above and beyond-- and you, have shown nothing. i'm not going to submit myself to your judgment anymore. i'm not going to have you disrespect me or my family. you think i don't respect you, which is hilarious to me since it is so far from the truth. you have the right to be respected by me, and i give it whether you see it or not. but you do not have the right to emotionally abuse me, judge my family, or even the right to my love. love is to be earned- and you haven't earned it.

you're always the victim. you can't take responsibility for your part in things. i happily and honestly took responsibility for my part, plus some. you have never- not once. you're hypocritical, confusing.

so from now on, i'm putting forth no effort. i will not hate you. i won't be mean or hurtful. i'm just putting no effort in anymore. i'm not bending over backwards anymore. and i will not let myself get hurt anymore. everyday i struggle to NOT think of you. its sad that it has come to that but it has. i cannot let this saga consume me anymore. the only one getting hurt is me, so i refuse to submit myself to it. not again.

i'm focusing on my life, my family, and the people around me who love me for me- accept me as i am, and love me unconditionally. people who support me, are there for me, and would never think (much less say) such hurtful things to me or about my family.

love is unconditional, think about that.