God & I.

God and I have a weird relationship. I would say most of my life, that relationship has been pretty non existent.

I was raised in the Methodist church, and we went to church weekly. I even went to Youth group on Wednesday and Sunday nights, but honestly it was to socialize.

In college, I went to a Methodist private school, but not because it was a Christian school. I just loved the area, the campus, the feel of it. (it was pretty amazing.)

After getting married, I enrolled in RCIA to learn about the Catholic faith, since I married in to a Catholic family. I felt very inspired and moved throughout the classes, and decided to convert. I wanted to be the same as my husband and future kiddos.

For the first year after converting, I was passionate and motivated. I don't remember what changed, but it changed. My husband and I started dreading going to church, we lacked the motivation or desire. Then we had our three year old and just about everything got put on the back burner while I struggled through post partum depression, and we tried figuring out this whole parenting thing. After that, the excuses were we didn't want to take the baby, but also didn't want to leave her in the nursery. We were tired from life with a newborn. We hadn't found a church we really felt at home at, or enjoyed going to. All of those were legitimate, but they were excuses too.

So fast forward to now. It has been a good three years, or more, since we went to church regularly. We wanted to go to a church we felt at home at, and we wanted to go to church because we WANTED to. Not out of obligation.

Some friends of ours, Kendall & Joey, had invited us to their church numerous times but we always gave a reason we couldn't. We just had no motivation, we just weren't interested. They never pressured or judged, but left the invitation open. I would see them post about 12Stone on Facebook and it would make me stop and think for a minute...but then I'd just keep scrolling.

I believe in God, I always have. I've just never 'felt' the Holy Spirit, or felt like God was speaking to me, or even like he was listening to me. I did my fair share of praying and just never felt heard. I started to doubt if I was even a Christian anymore, and it was a weird feeling.

The moment I KNEW I was still a Christian, was after Penny was born. We started talking about her baptism and I felt this urgency to have her baptized. That is how I know, I still believe in God. I'm still a Christian-- just haven't been a very good one lately. Well, I don't even want to accuse myself of that. Its not that I hadn't been a good one, its that I lost my way. There was no fire, no motivation, no faith really.

Joey came to me a few weeks ago and said he really wanted to get back in to church. I wasn't jumping for joy, but I knew he was right and I also wanted to support HIM. Its not all about me ya'll. So we finally decided to take Kendall and Joey up on their invitation to 12Stone. I was anxious, nervous, dreading it. We went.....and loved it. It was hands down the best church experience either of us have had in YEARS. For me personally, maybe EVER. It just felt right.

However this didn't make me Captain Christian over night. I can't tell ya the last time I prayed. and honestly, sitting in church this past weekend- I enjoyed it, but in my mind I had a little inner monologue going. Basically, I'm just angry with God.

The past several months have torn me down as a whole. I'm struggling, daily. All day every day. and I'm mad at God. I'm not praying, I roll my eyes, and just...feel let down.

So I'm going to keep going to church, and try to light a fire in my heart. Try to start praying again. It is definitely going to take some time, and some work on my part. I feel awkward praying, especially if it is out loud. I'm sad to say I don't think Joey and I have ever prayed together. I always hear about how important it is to pray with your spouse, how it can nurture your marriage- but it honestly gives me anxiety and makes me feel awkward just thinking about it. I have NO idea why.

I'm very very lost, but I still believe. I'm thankful we have two friends who are a good example of what a Christian is. I'm also really glad we've finally found a home church. 12Stone is  pretty amazing. We finally set up a dedication for Penny with them, and I'm really glad we got it on the books-- we decided to ask Kendall & Joey to be her Godparents, since we really give them credit for getting us back to church, and taking us under their wing.

We will see where this little journey takes me. It will definitely definitely take work on my part. God and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye right now. I really need my life to turn around, so I'm hoping He'll help me with that. I need peace like you wouldn't believe.

Bruce Jenner

This is what I think about Bruce Jenner:

What he does with his life doesn't affect me or my family. I think what he did was brave. GOOD FOR HIM.

One thing that I could relate to as I was watching the interview, was the inner turmoil, pain, depression, and hopelessness.

I deal with all of those same issues, though it may be for different reasons.

For him to live 60 years that way is heartbreaking to me. Good for him to have the courage to take his life back, and do what is necessary to be happy and whole. To be at peace.

I've always considered myself accepting and open minded with MOST things- I'm not perfect. But I believe everyone should live their life in a way that makes them happy, in a way that is real. Love whomever they love- because you truly can't choose who you fall in love with.

Am I a Christian? Yep. Despite what the bible may say on subjects like these... Wait for it.... Might make ya mad...

The bible is wrong. The bible is old! Well okay calm down- it's not wrong. It was maybe right for that time period. For the way the world was then.

It was written a VERY long time ago in a world that was much different than it is today.

I think people need to have the freedom to be themselves- however they may have been born or raised.

It doesn't affect me or you. So who cares? Let them live, just like you get to live YOUR life.

Cheers to you Bruce, can't wait to "meet" Her.

The perfect day.

Perfect day? What would that look like for this lady... Fun to ponder on.

24 hours. Starting the night before: a good, hard SLEEP.

Wake up around 8am, enjoy coffee in bed- slow movin mornin.

Meet one of my girlfriends for mani/pedi.

Sushi lunch

Hour long massage

Facial

Movie date with my guy.

Mall trip for a shopping scavenger hunt of the following:

- Apple watch

- Sephora spree 

- books , lots of books

- patio furniture

- rocking chairs

- clothes

- coffee grinder

-organic coffee beans

- jewelry

Then I'd hop online and splurge on oils and Younique, along with some etsy finds.

Next I'd go home with all my loot and take a three hour nap. While napping someone would replace our kitchen floor, living room carpet, my mariner with a fully loaded mini van, and re pour our patio.

Ending the day with dinner at the pool with husband and kiddos.

Oh and maybe a hot bath, then another good nights sleep.

That's not too much to ask... Right?

Guess I need to start playing the lottery!

why i journal to my girls.

when adelynn was born, i knew i would keep up her baby book. aside from that i didn't plan on much else. but while i was in the hospital, my aunt came to visit me and brought gifts. one of the things she brought me was this pretty journal:

initially i thought ' that is so pretty! what the heck will i use it for?'

when adelynn was about 4 weeks old, i realized i had all of these thoughts, feelings, experiences that i wanted to remember- and more importantly, that i wanted to tell her about one day. i had seen an idea on Pinterest about starting an email account specifically for you child and writing them emails, then when they are older giving them the password. loved that idea. but i had this pretty journal, so i decided to go the old school route.

my plan initially was to give it to her when she turned 18. then i changed my mind to her wedding day, THEN i decided when she has her first child. my mom was always trying to give me stuff from my childhood, or old toys etc from when i was a kid- and i always just told her to toss it. even when i was pregnant! i realize i didn't appreciate those things until i became a mommy, holding my baby in my arms. then i got it.

once i started journaling, i couldn't stop. i didn't want to forget anything! i write about whats going on in our lives, holidays, birthdays, funny things she does, when she is sick, etc. the good and the bad- all of it! i finished this first journal when she was about 18 months old. i tucked it away in our hope chest, and already had a second one ready for her. 

i found this on Etsy, an italian lady hand paints/binds the pages, and it is gorgeous. it has a ton of pages so i've been using this one since she was 18 moths old, and she is now 3 and i'm not even half way through it! my MIL got this for me for my birthday one year. (even wrote a blog about it, HERE)

so, i knew when i got pregnant with penny girl, i would want to do the same thing. i started collecting little journals i thought were cute as i saw them out and about.

and when penny was born- i was ready! i started writing to her right away. she was born Nov. 11th and i wrote her first entry Nov. 17th.

i plan on doing this for years to come, and like i said- giving them their journals when they have their first child. i really hope they enjoy reading through them one day. maybe learn some parenting tricks, laugh at the cute stories about them, and also appreciate the realness and transparency. realizing i won't be giving them these till they are much older- i don't leave a lot out. i talk about when joey was laid off in 2013, when i was let go recently, depression i'm dealing with, financial stress, marriage, etc. i keep it real because i want them to be able to learn. i remember writing a particular entry when joey and i went to gatlinburg for a weekend to celebrate our sixth anniversary. i wrote to them both about how in love their daddy & mommy are. and how important it is to nurture your relationship with your spouse, as that is the foundation for our family. being connected, communicating, spending quality time together- it helps our marriage, and in turn, helps us be better parents to them.

i take my journals everywhere. i used to carry them in my purse (when i had a bigger purse) so i could write on my lunch break, or wherever i may be. anytime i've traveled i've taken them with me, and i always find some time to write.

i love writing while they are napping- i can see them sleeping peacefully on the monitor, sip my coffee (or wine), and write away. fill the pages with stories, fears, love, and more.

i also started getting a book for birthdays- obviously penny hasn't had a birthday yet, but i started it with adelynn and will continue with penny.

its almost a way for family/friends to journal to them once a year, or like a little year book. i also plan to give them these books when they get pregnant with their first (perfect baby shower gift, i can see it now!) so they have a little collection of books for their babies.

i put them out at birthday parties and make sure everyone signs them :)

adelynn's first birthday:

adelynn's second birthday:

adelynn's third birthday:

i've really enjoyed this little tradition. i hope my girls , one day, will enjoy reading about their lives from their mommy's point of view :)

I dreamnt we'd all take care of each other.

The new normal, #momlife

I've come to realize that I'm not alone. After getting several messages, texts, and emails from other mamas and pre-mamas I've noticed a trend.

Sometimes:

We all struggle.

We all hurt.

We all feel crazy.

We all feel resentful.

We all need help.

We are depressed.

We are anxious.

We love our kids, husbands, friends- but sometimes we need time for us. Sometimes we need to be allowed to be vulnerable, weak, ask for help. We need to be taken care of.

Admitting all of that- makes us STRONG.

So, let's do it.

1-2x a month, let's all get together. No kids, no husbands- just us. Let's vent, cry, complain whatever over a glass of wine or bottle of beer. Let's relax and decompress, take some time for US.

Times are tough- so to keep it cheap: 

- eat dinner before you come!

- BYOB

- have the hubs watch the kids

- let's host at different people's homes 

I'm notorious for KNOWING I need me time- but then it comes down to it and I feel guilty for leaving the kids, or "abandoning" my husband. Or I'm "too tired". Whatever the excuse. No more excuses!

Time to take care of ourselves, embrace the new normal, and love each other back to sanity!

realness.

it doesn't get more real than this post.

 if you think my blog is a cry for attention, or a sob story, or whatever-- let me stop you right there. STOP READING. this blog is for me and no one else. i don't force anyone to read it. so just do us both a favor and move on to the next.

i've been suffering from pretty severe depression the last few months, and it finally boiled over this week. it's no secret i've had issues with depression my entire life- most notably after i had adelynn and suffered postpartum depression. i fought it, and with the help of my doctor and family made it through. shortly after getting pregnant with penny i was diagnosed with pre-natal depression (yep, thats a thing), so i was yet again put on a low dose of zoloft. it did the trick, and i was fine.

after penny, at my 6 week check up- i told my doctor i was feeling pretty low. and i truly felt it was situational. recovering from a section, becoming a mom to two, having my wisdom teeth out 2 weeks after delivery, financial stress, a colicky newborn, lack of sleep, etc. she agreed with me and upped my meds just a smidge-- and again, it did the trick.

but then, i went back to work. i won't get in to details as much as i realllllly want to-- but basically, i was out of a job. it was a total shock and totally unexpected. the domino affect it caused in our lives is substantial. i did quickly find another, thank God. but since then (early February) i have been in a downward spiral.

i've tried hard to stay positive, hype myself up, and tell myself this too shall pass. last week i hit a breaking point, my all time low and i just...couldn't do it anymore. i almost immediately spoke to joey about it. he knew i was struggling but i dont think he knew just how badly. my kids are being loved and taken care of, i'm being a good mom- but aside from that, i've had a hard time functioning day to day.

the weight loss everyone is ooh-ing and ah-ing over? 40 pounds in 5 months? well, that would be lack of eating. not intentional, not an eating disorder- just zero appetite. i've been eating dinner with joey and the kids- otherwise, nada. this has caused lots of dizzy spells, fainting, my hair falling out, lack of energy, and pure exhaustion. i've also been breaking out in hives- i've never experienced that so i assumed it was an allergic reaction of some sort, but after going to the doctor...turns out it is stress hives. imagine that.

I basically just stopped taking care of myself.

on days i don't have to work, if i'm home alone- i lay in bed, all day. i don't move. cry, sleep, cry.

i am at my lowest point.

doctor doesn't want to change my meds, up them anymore- and i honestly appreciate that. she knows i don't like taking medication of any kind, and i really dont want to just drug myself. so she suggested i look in to therapy. joey agreed. so my first session is next week. i've been to therapy before-- for a bout a year in college, and then a year and a half after joey got out of the military. its helpful and i do enjoy it. so i'm hoping talking it out will do the trick and help me get things back in perspective, calm down, re-focus, and get my happy back.

its going to take time, and work. the work aspect makes me cringe...exhausts me just thinking about it. the time aspect...ugh. i need it to just go away and snap back to myself. i dont exactly have patience. i just want my life back.

depression is real ya'll. some people roll their eyes and say "grow up, suck it up, move on" but people who say that have never really experienced it. it can be severe. it can affect you physically, it can prevent you from functioning. it can make you feel like a crazy person in your own mind. your thoughts are unclear, you can't focus, you can't be calm. it can ruin your life.

thank god i have an amazing husband, the best bff around, and family who supports me. my mom checks on me daily. my bff allows me to text her anytime i'm feeling crazy and helps talk me down. joey is handling everything he can to allow me to work through this.

doesn't get much more real than this folks.