reflections...

"it gets easier"....but does it really? as soon as i entered into the world of loving a soldier--i heard these words almost daily. from friends,family, fellow soldier lovers,ect. i myself have even stated that same sentence to new girls entering into our world.
but does anyone really beleive it? i think we all WANT to beleive it, we say it to others and ourselves wanting it to come true every single time.

loving a soldier is hard--but more than worth it. you dont pick who you love. you just...love 'em. through thick and thin, no matter what.


its not easy, being away from the one you love. worrying about them day and night, going days or weeks without hearing from them--but you hold on to that love so tight, you never lose grip. sure you lose sleep, lose weight (or gain it!), lose your hair, lose your sanity! but you keep chuggin along. when talking about deployments, people ask me "how do you do it?"--and i look at them like theyre insane, like the answer is a given... you just...do it. you either do, or dont. its your choice. if you decided not to--walk away asap,for both your sakes. if you decide to do it-then just do it! no matter what happens, no matter what this life brings you, you.just.do it.

(minutes before he deployed from germany, on his second tour in iraq)

its simple: it never gets easier. its never easy missing the one you love,being away from them,worrying about them. when theyre so far away, and having a bad day-or homesick, you want so badly to do something for them, take all that pain and sadness away--but you cant,and it hurts. you never will understand what they go through, the things they've done and seen-and you never EVER say you do, you just love them. love them with all your heart. and try you hardest to make them smile.

love them,period. no matter what. i myself have a love/hate relationship with the army. i embrace the title of army wife, i love it, am proud of it, i wear it on my heart. i am so proud of my husband that sometimes i feel like it will burst out of me. he is my real life hero. i hate the distance, the deployments,the goodbyes.ive come to despise airports... the goodbyes are what get me every single time.

(before heading to the airport,to go back to Iraq,2009)

you'd think "it gets easier"...but it never does. picture yourself sitting in the airport, surrounded by soldiers. everywhere you look is ACU,boots,and duffel bags. and you just wait. you're not sure when its coming, but that boarding announcement will sneak up on you sooner than you're ready for it. it happens,and you freeze. your mind is racing with all the things you want to say, your heart is pounding through your chest and your tears are automatic. you know he doesnt want to go-and theres not a damn thing you can do to change it for him. you cant do ANYTHING. you try to memorize his face completley, that exact moment. you feel his arms around you and try to stop time. trying so hard to be strong for him, fight the tears but they fight their way right out. you say 'I love you' over and over because thats all you can think of to say, the only words you can manage to get out. and the only words that really matter.
you hug so tight, like maybe if you hug him hard enough he wont go anywhere. pull away, kiss him one last time, and watch him leave. you turn around and walk away--when everything inside of you is telling you to sprint back to him, hold his hand until the very last moment, soak up each second you get with him-but you know itd be selfish, you know it would only make it harder for him. so you keep walking, with tears streaming down your face-not caring who sees you, fighting the urge to turn around... you keep walking.

(Iraq,deployment #2, 2008)

the army has given me patience. strength-even when times i felt completley weak.strength in my relationship with my husband, outstanding communication with him--because for months on end, our words are all we have. its taught me to be selfless. its shown me love that i never knew i could feel for another person. independence. pride. family.

so does it get easier? not really. but you just do it--you love them (as the Beetles would say 'love is all you need').

is it all worth it? you bet your sweet ass it is.

to my fellow soldier-lovers: hooah girls, hooah :) we're a special breed no doubt. no one will understand till theyve walked in our shoes.

stress is my middle name

theres SO much going on right now! or it seems like it to me i guess. whats funny is, on the other hand-i feel like i have way too much free time-joeys coming home date feels like its taking forever to get here!

work as usual for me--my schedule has been SUPER crazy but my boss told me in the next 2wks we'll start our 'set' schedule. ill work mon-fri and get off at 1 everyday, and i CAN pickup more hours on the wkend if i want to,all good news! im very much looking forward to that. i havent been able to get on any kind of sleep-routine since getting back from the beach, because my hours have been so inconsistent. but still loving my job and very happy to be there!

joeys still workin away at out-processing, he's done 8 out of 11 steps (as he put it) and step 11 is him getting on the plane to come home! so he's close, and aug.14th is right around the corner (even though,like i said--feels like its taking forever). i keep telling myself i have the rest of this week, all of next week--and then the NEXT week is the week he comes home. i am SO ready. BEYOND ready.

im really itching to get our own place, but i may have to hold off on scratching that itch--i really dont know when we're going to be able todo that. hopefully soon.
in the meantime we have ALOT coming up:
-joey comes home
-joeys coming home party
-Michigan trip in September
-"Second Wedding" in February

amongst a million little things todo as well as him finding a job, starting with the Reserves, possibly starting school,us trying to find a house, ect ect ect!

the wedding stuff has me stressed out ALREADY--which is funny considering we're already married,ha. its kind of at a stand-still today, we have to wait till joeys home to do anything, or get any kind of information from the church...so we have till sometime next month. while waiting on that--im working on a guest list, which is harder than you think! its hard to sit here and think of EVERYONE i know/want to invite, for fear of leaving someone out. ive had to take breaks because i end up staring into space drawing a blank!

really nothing exciting going on other than planning/preparing for different things. ive been working like crazy (as i said), IMPATIENTLY awaiting joeys return (as i said), and trying to find stuff to do in between. tonight i went and saw a movie by myself for the first time-- a little depressing but not bad ha. i really wanted to see 'My Sister's Keeper' and couldnt find ANYONE to go with me so...i just went alone.

im loving my Kindle--ive had it barely a week and have already read 3 books on it; it sounds crazy but when i watched the videos about kindle people were saying they found themselves reading faster, i thought that was strange till i just realized i read 3 books in a week. faster than normal for me! i love my husband for getting that for me. incredible.

now im rambling--staying up late (again) and waiting on hubs to get back from Formation so i can webcam with him some before i goto bed.
no exciting updates in this boring life for now!

love,furniture,and birthday parties!

its been a long day! busy busy always it seems!
i just got home from helping becca (SIL) get stuff ready for peyton's birthday party, i cant beleive hes gonna be 2!! we made the cake, did the decorations, painted the club house,ect! AND peyton got his first haircut today! all those baby curls are gone,he looks like a little boy now! no baby! made me teary!

the club-house! (its like an L shape with tunnels and windows!) :






and heres peyt getting his hair cut--so sad! :

afterwards--so short! hes no longer a baby! such a big boy--he's wearing his mickey mouse ears becca got for the party tomorrow! :




also some exciting news for joey and i! we had already decided todo our living room black and red--turns out becca and zack were trying to sell some furniture! it wont fit in the house theyre moving to! SO joey and i are buying it from them! we get both couches,the chair, the coffee table, end tables AND lamps! im so excited!!



ill find a black cover to put on this chair, with some cute black/red pillows :)




im so excited :) NOW we just need a house to put it in..hmm... :)

im excited for when joey gets home, and we get to REGISTER! and start looking for a HOUSE!! :) all the fun stuff! shortly after we need to start planning the catholic ceremony and reception! im really excited to get todo that, what a way to celebrate our 1 year anniv huh!? (yes,we're planning on doing it Feb. 5th to keep the date the same!)--itll be alot of fun to get all our family and friends together to celebrate :) without worrying about the army getting in the way!

joeys so close to coming home and it gets me so excited--i am SO ready for it. we truly have been through SO MUCH. but we came out on top, more in love than ever, stronger than ever, and just plain ol happy. the deployment was hard for both of us, but our love overcame it. i feel so blessed to have married my BESTfriend. we have so much fun together, we share everything together--when hes not here its SO different, IM different. i cannot wait to have him here, and not ever have to say goodbye again. theyre always SO hard. life is just SO much better when we're together. i cant beleive its right around the corner--hell be home! for good! it seemed so far out of reach for so long, and now its here! i love him, more than anything in this world-my heart explodes for him daily, not all day everyday--but at some point throughout the day. he makes me smile. and makes me laugh :) i just adore him!



listen to the song while watching--this song was pretttty much on repeat throughout this deployment :)

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

on that note, ill end for the night! long busy day ahead tomorrow! <3

RIP Grandmother

today marks the 1 year anniv. of my grandmother's death. i grew up living right next door to her and my grand-daddy my entire life. she was in hospice in her final days..i was at work,in training, when i got the call. i remember it like it was yesterday. pretty sad stuff so i wont get into the details--but i miss her, love her, and theres so much i wish i could tell her. i got this tattoo done shortly after she died, i knew i wanted to do something in her memory and this came pretty quickly to me.ive never really explained to anyone what it meant-just that it was for her...for some reason i now feel the need:

doves-- a triumph of life over death,peace,purity,forgivness,and hope.
(most of these meanings are self-explanitory, forgivness is for me--as i to this day feel i need it from my grandmother,but not sure if i deserve it)
peace sign-- obvious, peace...RIP
broken heart--the broken hearts of the ones left behind, my grandmother was an incredible woman who is loved and missed by many. broken heart because part of me feels that is what she died from: she started going downhill from the moment my granddaddy died, when her mind started 'going' she often talked of him,to him,and asked about him. they were married for a long time and raised an incredible family.
the tears--of course for OUR tears. and also-i spent time with my grandmother in hospice the night before she died. i literally sat there listening to her breathe. i talked to her, cried, told her i loved her-for the longest time she hadnt recognized me, but that night she turned and looked at me right in the eye with her beautiful blue eyes,and a single tear rolled down her face. thats the last memory i have of my grandmother alive.
blue eyes on the dove-- obviously, i have her eyes, and was very blessed to be born with them.

i dont know why all of a sudden i feel the need to explain this tattoo but i do. its my favorite, i love it, and think of her often. i cant beleive its already been a year.

RIP grandmother <3

Sleepless Nights

I've been in bed trying to will myself to sleep since 9 pm... but am getting nowhere! So, I decided to embrace it and update the blog ;) EVEN though I'm getting up at 4am for my first opening shift at work..5am-1. I'll probably regret this late night blogging but for now it works!

Not a whole lot going on,but that always seems to be the case when Joey is away--i miss him terribly! he is moving forward with out-processing, and found out today exactly when he will be home,date AND time! we are DAYS away and i am SO excited!! hopefully the next couple weeks will fly and then ill be reuinted with my hubs.

ive been working more and more, which is good. it = money and keeps me busy! i really enjoy my job at the gym! i did get sunday off though for Courtney's birthday (my SIL). we had a great time at the house with family, having a shrimp boil and hanging out. Becca (other SIL) even made a Nascar cake for her!


and heres us enjoying the shrimp out on the back deck!


we had a good time!

Today Joey and I booked our flight to head out to Michigan for Grandma Brown's 80th birthday, looks like we'll be there Sept.5-8th, and we're still workin on booking a hotel. itll be a fun trip, and nice to fly with hubby instead of flying alone like the first 2 times. im looking forward to it!

Speaking of my wonderful husband, he sent me a suprise in the mail today! he spoils me rotten thats for sure-- he sent me a Kindle! Its made by amazon, and the best way to describe it is like an iPod for books. it holds tons of books, you can buy them at way cheaper prices,it downloads automatically in 60 seconds or less, you can read it outside in direct sunlight with no glare, it has a 'read-to-me' feature that you can have it read to you outloud or hook up some head phones, you can take notes, highlight, theres a dictionary so if you dont know a word just click it for the definition...i mean i could go on and on! i love it!! it hasnt left my hand all day long! he even got me a cute gelskin to slap on the back!


needless to say im excited :) if youre a book nerd like me you should most definitley look into it! another thing for book nerds to look into: goodreads.com -- a friend introduced me to it and im loving it already,definitley helpful!

what else is new? tomorrow is FIL's birthday! excited for that! then saturday is Peyton's 2nd birthday party!!

i also have a work party that day at my bosses house--pool party with the whole staff, and enough food and brew to go around!

For everyone keeping up with Baby Kilian--he is still 'floating on a cloud of prayers' as aunt becky would say! he truly is a fighter :)
and Chase, Tanya and Zack's baby is doing great! i finally caught her on skype today and was able to catch up for a while, AND obviously see the lil handsome guy :)

thats all for now! off to try to get some sleep before that alarm goes off in..oh..about 4 1/2 hours-ha! wish me luck,tomorrow will be a doozy!

Babies everywhere!

It seems like everyone i know is having a baby or will be soon!

Kilian is doing wonderfully--so far he's been such a little fighter!



My good friend/college roomie/fellow army wife Tanya came home from the hospital today! her mom is in germany staying with her for a while, thank god shes not alone! she emailed me today filling me in on everything and attached some pictures-he is so handsome! little baby Chase :)








SO proud of you Tanya! Congrats to you and Zack again!!



Not much else going on other than baby updates! Joeys working away at getting home, hopefully everything will get done so he can be home on the 14th--i sure hope so! im working alot and trying to stay busy-- Stay tuned!

UPDATE

I'm very happy to say Kilian is doing wonderfully right now--Shan and James are both with him, he has been baptized, and we just got a phone call letting us know he's had the transfusion and now they can begin giving him the medication he needs since his platelet count is finally where it needs to be! AND...NO bleeding on the brain! such a fighter! Keep the prayers coming everyone!

Joey is workin hard on out-processing and fightin a cold at the moment too, poor guy! I'm really hoping I have him home with me a month from today! :) I took a random shopping trip today to Hobby Lobby and came home with supplies to paint! couple canvases,paint,brushes,ect-- looking for a new hobby so we shall see how this goes!

Thats all thats new for the moment! Stay tuned! :)

Kilian Jude Fidero

Some pictures of Baby Kilian and his parents...























James and Shan I'm praying SO hard for you guys and your beautiful son. Please keep them in your prayers guys. More updates as I get 'em.

Keep the prayers comin'....

I'm still at work but have been checking my email every few minutes for updates on baby Kilian. He's still hanging on but the last update I got wasn't the greatest. Kilian Jude Fidero was born weighing a little over 2 Ibs. He obviously is in the ICU. The doctors said there is bleeding in the brain which is....bad.
I have been extremley emotional about this all day. It's just so incredibly heart breaking. The whole family is waiting on pins and needles for any kind of news or update. With family being spread out all over the US masses have been dedicated to little Kilian, prayers said all day long. Last I heard James made it to TX from Cali and is now with his first born son now,Shannon hasn't been released yet. A chaplan is there to baptize Kilian. I pray so hard this little boy fights and survives. Please please focus your prayers on this young,so new family.
I'm at work till 10 and will update as I hear more...

Lets try this out!

Blogging...I've heard of it--never thought about doing it. BUT it seems I have a lot of time on my hands these days so..why not!?

Whats going on in the Rickels life these days? WELL. Joey was home on leave, he met me in Detroit for his cousin's wedding and we suprised everyone, it was AWESOME! it was VERY hard to keep a secret though! Then we spent some time at home with friends and family, finally wrapping up his visit with a week at the beach! We went to Topsail Island,NC and I absolutley fell in love with it! We had such an incredible time--the picture above is us right before the 4th of July party. The house we stayed at was right on the water nestled in a little cove. Absolutley beautiful.

He's been back in Germany for a week now, you'd think I'd get used to him being gone but its hard everytime. He's working on out-processing and coming home for good, if all goes well he'll be home in a month! I'm counting down the days.

As for me? I'm just working! I've been part time at the gym but now I'm getting more hours, which is great--I'm hoping to be full time soon :) I really enjoy my job.

This morning I heard some scary news. Joeys cousin James,and his wife Shannon were just married this past Saturday--very exciting! Theyre expecting their first child, and James is supposed to be leaving for Japan (he's a marine) any day now. The plan was Shannon would have the baby here and then move there...last night she had the baby. Little Kilian James Fidero. He wasnt due until September--both Shannon and the baby are in the hospital. I've been getting email updates all morning. Keep them in your prayers, very scary time for the family right now.

On another note my room mate from college, Tanya--who is stationed in Germany with her husband who is in the Army (and currently in Iraq) had their first baby yesterday! a baby boy,Chase. I cant wait to hear from her and see pictures! A special shout out to Brittany who is the God Mother :)

Thats all thats going on right now-- wishing I was still at the beach, missing my husband and very impatiently awaiting his homecoming! working like crazy and just livin life each day!