grief.

today has been weird.

i haven't been to church since october. joey hasn't stopped asking, every week ' you going to church with us today?' and my answer is always no. end of conversation. he hasn't pressured me. people from church, friends, family have asked me whats up, where i've been. i always have an excuse...some genuine, others not.

today i had a couple friends text me, different folks reaching out. joey came home and told me everyone misses me, and then we had a chat.

i'm not okay, with my granny being gone.

i'm not angry at God, i don't blame Him.

i just don't want to go to church right now.

going to church makes me feel, and i just don't want to feel.

even on my most joyous day, church makes me feel- as a good church should! a song can bring me to tears, a sermon gets my mind working, my heart moving. so its just the last place i want to be when my heart is totally shattered.

i've been trying to 'fake it till i make it' with this thing. the first month after she died, i totally and completely fell apart- i had a very difficult time functioning day to day. it started affecting me in all aspects of my life at home, and at work- everywhere. so i tried to suck it up and move on, which meant trying to bury it, be numb.

i stopped going to church. i stopped going to small group (both of them). practically stopped praying altogether. i stopped everything and anything that made me feel.

i sleep whenever possible- thats called depression folks. i literally plan my days around sleep, if i can squeeze in a nap, go to bed early, whatever. yet...at night? i toss and turn, lay awake till 1am, i feel like i haven't had a proper nights sleep in months.

i avoided going to my granny's house, cause it hurt too bad. i didn't want to see her not there. yesterday we had our extended family christmas there, and i tried to think of any reason not to go. but i had to. i kept looking at her chair, just staring. remembering the last time i saw her sitting in it- the day she went to hospice, my mom and i cleaning her up and changing her clothes. watching the numbers going up and down on her oxygen monitor, reminding her to breath through her nose. trying to get her to eat.

staring at the couch, remembering that day, seeing her laying on the couch barely awake, struggling to breath, but still trying to visit with me.

i didn't want to be there yesterday.

my niece brings her up, she did last night (cousin sleep over!) and i changed the subject. i can't talk about her. i don't want to feel it.

i dream of her often, but not sweet dreams. replaying her last seconds here. i was holding her hand with my left hand, sobbing in to her shoulder, with my right hand over her heart- feeling its last beat, feeling her last gasp of air.

most of the time, i hurt. all the time. then sometimes, i'm numb. and it doesn't feel real that she isn't here.

i listen to the speech i gave at her funeral, a few times a week. i listen to the song josie sang at her funeral over and over. i look at her pictures daily.

i know this isn't the right way to handle it, i am aware of that....but its just how i'm dealing right now.

how is she not here?

Glory to God.

I've had several folks ask if there is somewhere I have this little story from start to finish, so, here it is. (Although, it is not finished!) I also had people ask how to share the vlogs I have posted on my Facebook: each post is public so you're able to share it, or tag friends in it if they'd like to see it. (I've had several people ask me about this, I'm not just like "hey make me internet famous and share my video!" nope.... but more on that later)

The first week of September, I was pulled over in the Kroger parking lot by my work, finishing up my makeup, having some quiet time before work, and decided to do a vlog update on Facebook. I was talking about my journey through the grief of losing my granny, joining a small group, volunteering to serve in the nursery at church--- I looked over, and noticed a family. Living in their car, a mother and daughters. It broke my heart.

I couldn't stop thinking about them, so the next time I saw them I handed mom a note just saying that I was praying for her- and listed our church's contact info.

The next time I saw them, I gave her another little note, a devotional, and a Kroger gift card.

Then, we started talking.

Her and her four daughters, ages ranging from 12 years old to 18 months, have been living in a four door sedan- tiny. Her husband decided he did not want to be married anymore. She couldn't afford daycare, had to leave her job, things spiraled and they ended up living in their car. After speaking with my husband, I knew I wanted to do something but I wasn't sure what.

I reached out to my pastor and he began helping me look in to long term shelter options.

I started vlogging more and more about it on Facebook. Before I knew it people jumped in to action: people giving gift cards, diapers, wipes. Offering to help with her car note, her phone bill.

Another friend opened up her home to this family! They have been staying there since last week in a fully furnished basement. I'm so thankful they are off the streets!

We're working hard to get them where they need to be, and are very very close.

Mom is doing everything she can to get back on her feet, she is such a strong woman- she clearly adores her children and is putting those little girls first for sure. I'm so proud of her and admire her so much!

I have gotten some negativity, which honestly...stinks.

' how do you expect to get a homeless woman with four kids a job?'

'why don't you try to help someone in our own community?'

'don't you think she owes you an explanation as to how she ended up here?'

I've also had some quote scripture to me (specifically Matthew 6: 1-4) : which, let me be clear: I am not looking for praise, or credit. I am not showing off, or bragging.

ya'll. I vlog- its what I do. I vlog about everything, I blog about everything. And if it wasn't for me putting this out on social media, NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE happened. The out pour of love and support from people has been incredible. Things are falling in to place so smoothly and quickly it is mind blowing.
This is not because of me. This is GOD. All glory to God ya'll. This is such a God thing and I truly believe that.

I could've not noticed them. I could've noticed them and chosen to walk right by with out giving it another thought. I truly believe God opened up my eyes to see them, and planted them in my heart moving me to try and help however I could. I have said, and will say again- I saw myself in that mother. Loving her kids, doing whatever she could for them. Provide for them and protect them, keep them in school. I pray if I were ever to be in her shoes, someone would see me and help me. I have never done anything like this before in my life, but I'm following my heart and my gut. I have been praying all day every day about this family, this situation, asking God for guidance and the right path to take. I believe in my heart I'm on the right path.

I was drowning in my grief over losing my granny. I was begging and pleading with God to fill me with peace. Bring back my joy, hope, and purpose. He listened.
A friend wrote to me over the weekend:
" My dear Kelly, God has helped you focus on helping others instead of drowning in your own grief. While He is still allowing you to heal from the loss of your grandmother, He is leading you and helping you discover ways to help others and bring good people together to help this family of five. You are God's child and you are working for the benefit of others, always remember when we focus on others, God helps us heal from our heartbreaks by lighting the way for us to focus and help others. God heard your cries and He carried you through these times. You will always have days where He will be there for you. But He is lighting the way for you to grow in His spirit and finding your gift from Him. Always keep God first in everything!"

if you know my heart at all, if you know me at all-- you know my posting is not bragging, seeking attention, or praise. I'm following my heart, trying to help this family. It is as simple as that. Over the last year I've really been striving to live my life as a Christian, for the first time in my life.

Regardless of anything hurtful, judging, or negative. I do not regret for one second starting all of this. Not long ago someone helped me in a huge way, I swore to them when I could I would pay it forward. I was talking with Mom last week and she promised to re pay me, I told her she owed me nothing. I told her if and when God ever presented an opportunity to her to help someone, show them love, to simply pay it forward.

  This family is amazing! Mom has secured a job, we're figuring out daycare, we're getting them some clothes and things they need- we're getting them back on their feet! I'm so proud of them, and I am incredibly proud and honored to call all of you have helped my friends. Mind blowing, best way to describe it! Mom and daughters came to our church Sunday and I was so thrilled! My heart is full and my joy has returned. Thankful to call them my friends!

4 weeks of grief.

it has been a month since my granny passed away. four weeks of grief.

i woke up yesterday feeling blissful. i've had moments of peace over the last few weeks but for the most part, i've been in the dark place.

the first week she was gone, i cried a lot. more than i have in a long time. at the drop of a hat the tears would come. in the morning i woke up foggy, and it would hit me, and i couldn't stop the tears. that first week back to work i cried every day on the way there, and each afternoon on the way home. at night i laid in bed next to my sleeping husband, just praying for sleep. crying silently for hours.

the second week, i was numb. i just felt nothing, it was a really confusing feeling. i felt empty. walked around in a daze, hardly cried at all.

the third week, i was angry. at every one and every thing. i just walked around feeling this rage inside that i couldn't pinpoint or explain. i had no idea what i was angry at, but it filled my whole self. i hated myself that week. i was short with my husband, had no patience for my kids. i was a real jerk.

this last week i felt half normal, but still not sleeping well.

saturday night, after putting adelynn in bed, i was reading a book and she called for me. this isn't unusual, and if you have a four year old i'm sure you understand! she calls us in there many times a night before finally falling asleep.

she was holding the pamphlet from granny's funeral- it took me by surprise because i have no idea where she got it from.

she said " who is this and what does it say?"

'thats my granny, it says she is in heaven with Jesus'

she began stroking my hair, my cheek, and said " mommy, if you walk up there you can talk to your granny. she is with Jesus but you can talk to her. mommy, just tell daddy that your granny is in heaven but that you want to talk to her. you can talk to her."

it took my breath away. all i've thought over and over since granny passed, was i wish i could talk to her. i wish i could hear from her. get some kind of sign. after kissing my sweet girl and heading back to my room, i sat in bed and just thought over everything she had said.

on a more material note, the day after she passed i started looking for anything and everything to keep her close to me. rings, necklaces,memory boxes, etc. i found a store on etsy that inscribed her handwriting 'love granny' on a ring for me, along with her thumbprint. my SIL court is making me a locket out of dried flowers from the funeral. i was drooling over an origami owl locket to build in memory of her. i just wanted her close to me in every way.

i opened up an origami owl online party to try and earn myself a locket free, since lord knows i didn't have the money for it. in the time my party was open: two good friends bought me charms, one bought me a chain, and my coworkers all pitched in and got me the locket. mind blown. how did i get so lucky to be surrounded by such thoughtful and sweet people? why were they spending their money on me? i just couldn't fathom it. so low and behold i ended up with what i refer to as my granny locket.

i added a picture of granny and paw paw in it, and it was the perfect final touch. i'm still waiting on two charms to come in the mail, so i can hardly wait to complete it. it is so very special to me, i've been wearing it every single day since i got it.

i think of granny every day. it makes me sad that it took her passing away for me to think of her so often. it is so easy to take advantage of the fact our loved ones are here. cause they are here, till they are not. and it is so easy to have regrets, i have absolutely learned that through all of this. lots of regrets, but i'm trying really hard to work through those.

a lot of times it still doesnt seem real that she isnt here. i keep thinking i'll call her up, or go over there, and there she'll be. but she isnt. and that is the hardest realization.

i miss her, like crazy.but slowly, i'm getting better. i'm getting more peace. i think i'll always be sad, that will always be a hole in my heart. but i know she is with jesus. i know she wasn't going to get better. i know she was tired. i know all of these things, which doesn't make it easier.... but i'll get there. i'll be at peace, a little bit more every day.

granny.

Jackie Robinson Hill

but I just know her as, Granny.

I have always been my granny's "Kelly Girl", and every time she would call me that, it made me smile, made me feel special. Even as an adult, I loved walking in to her house and saying "hey yall!" and granny would smile and say " hey Kelly girl!" every single time. I started calling my youngest "Penny girl" after she was born, it came so naturally, and makes me think of my granny every single time I say it.

My granny is silly yall. I remember as a teenager, we'd all be riding in the car to dinner and I would be in the back seat with her, and she would just drive me crazy! my mom and my paw paw were always saying "granny, leave Kelly alone! stop picking at her!" she just loved to mess with me and irritate me, almost like she was my sister instead of my grandmother.
Growing up, we went to dinner with granny and paw paw weekly. Spent time at the lake. Had lots of sleep overs with my cousins, binge eating paw paw's nutty buddy bars, and watching Jerry Springer on tv with granny. She would sing us stories like 'the burglar man' and we'd laugh at her silly voices and beg her to sing it again. I loved shopping dates with just her ,my mom, and I. The three of us drove each other crazy, but we love each other so much we just kept going back for more. Granny and my mom have always been so much more than a mother and grandmother to me, they are my best friends.I see so much of myself in each of them, and years ago I would have seen that as a bad thing, but now I smile and thank God.

Thinking about her this morning I realized I'm a lot like her:

- we both married men in the military
- we both love sparkly jewelry, REAL jewelry-specifically rings
- we both love reading books
-we hate window shopping, let us spend all the money and buy all the things!
- she always had a camera in our face, snapping pictures-we hated it! but now I'm the one doing the picture taking, snapping candids, and capturing memories.
- she was so sensitive, it was easy to hurt her feelings...have you met ME?
- she was sweet, loving, and so silly- but feisty too- make her mad? watch out, thats me to a tee.
- Joey calls me a hoarder, I keep anything and everything I deem a memory: from a napkin to our wedding, down to a receipt from a dinner in Germany. THAT is my granny.
- she always called me her kelly-girl, and I call my littlest penny-girl.

My granny never judged me, never turned her back on me. covered in tattoos, dropping out of college, her and paw paw welcomed me in to their home with out a second thought. They never hesitated to take me in. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, but they made sure I had somewhere to eat and sleep. I called her often just to chat on the phone, vent. she would listen, give me advice, and just made sure I knew I was loved. I always felt free to tell her anything with out fear of judgment, or getting in to trouble. I'll never forget the first time she caught me smoking a cigarette when I was in college, I begged her not to tell my mom, and she said "well, ok. but give me a puff!"

I have the honor of wearing the diamond from her engagement ring, in my engagement ring.It means so much more to me than I think she ever knew-- I would joke growing up that that was "my diamond", and my mom and I would play fight over it. It was never about the diamond- I mean don't get me wrong, it is beautiful. I love having a piece of her and my paw paw's love story. Whenever I would see her she'd say "let me see my diamond, hows it doing?"
Their marriage is one for the books. They so clearly loved each other. I always saw my paw paw as a tough man, but when it came to her, he was soft. She stood by his side through this crazy life. She never wavered in her love and support for him. Their marriage is the perfect example of what I pray for in my own marriage. 60 years of marriage, they knew what they were doin'.


I am so thankful I spent her last few days here on earth with her, by her side. Those memories are some I know I will never forget.
See, hospitals, nursing homes, funerals, viewings--- all of the above and everything in between- always scared me, gave me anxiety. This was different. I couldn't leave her side. I had to be there. Even when we knew it was that time, I was rooted to her bedside- my right hand over her heart, and my left holding hers. It was a surreal experience to see her slip away from here to Heaven, and one that truly shook me to my core. Even after she passed, I just sat there, staring at her. Stroking her hand, and praying over her. When it came time to leave the hospice center I had to go back in, one last time, and tell her I love her.

Today is my mom's birthday. We spent today at the funeral home with her brothers and my paw paw setting up all the funeral details. Writing an obituary. Picking caskets, flowers, and everything involved in a funeral. My mom and I went shopping to find a blue night gown for my granny, that was what she asked to be buried in- I think we found the perfect one.
The whole experience, going through these motions, is necessary for me. I didn't even ask (luckily my uncles didn't seem to mind) I just had to be there. I wanted to be with my mom. I wanted to be involved. My paw paw looked at me before we left and said "I love you so much, thank you for being here and helping".

Now I find myself at home, and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so foggy and confused. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm calm, the next angry, but mostly just devastatingly sad.
 I was out this morning going to buy my mom's birthday gift, and was texting with my friend Maria....little did I know, she was in that same store texting me. She found me in the parking lot and I was so surprised to see her--- I'm pretty sure I hugged her three or four times while we stood there talking. I poured my guts out right there in the parking lot to her,talking a mile a minute, with my mind all over the place. Un-showered, yesterday's smudged makeup, lookin' a hot mess of crazy. I was explaining to her how sad I feel, a sadness I have seriously never experience before, ever. She knows, she gets it- cause she's been there. Thank God for sending her to me this morning, I needed a hug so bad. At that point in the day I hadn't seen anyone so there was no one to hug.

I don't know how to get through the next few days, her funeral is day after tomorrow. I hate when people see me cry, and I know a lot of folks will see it Sunday. The tears seem to come suddenly, and out of the blue.

I hurt so bad right now.

I  miss her so much it hurts. I know this is part of life but that doesn't mean its easy. I know shes smiling down on us right now, and probably mad that I told on her for smoking.

I feel lucky that God gave me such a one of a kind grandmother, my granny. She is unlike anyone I've ever known, even when she drove me crazy- i loved her like crazy.

so that i don't forget these moments.

my granny isn't doing well.

she has been in a hospice facility since Monday, and the plan was to take her  yesterday to my uncle's house in Griffin so they could take care of her. i came up here yesterday to spend time with her before she went, because i knew i wouldn't see her as much, if at all, once she was over an hour away. i spent all day and night with her, just holding her hand. she ended up getting worse throughout the day, so they cancelled plans to move her- and she is now staying here.

i went to her house to see her last Thursday, and she knew who i was. when i saw her Monday, she knew who i was initially but by the time i left she didn't know me. yesterday, she would shake her head 'yes' when i asked if she knew me, but i don't think she really did. she has progressively gotten worse.

at this point we're told, the oxygen they are giving her is what is keeping her here. so they are going to slowly decrease it through out today- all the family is here to be with her.

i will forever be grateful for the time i've gotten to spend with her these last couple days. just her and i alone, staring at each other.

yesterday when i first got here, i knew she didn't know who i was, i asked her what my name was and she just smiled at me. i said 'kelly, i'm your kelly girl' and she said 'your eyes are so pretty, and i love you so much.' 

at one point, i leaned in and whispered in her ear "you're my favorite granny, and i love you so much more than you know" - she smiled and started to whisper so i leaned in and she whispered 'i love you more'. at this point in the day she wasn't recognizing anyone, and wouldn't let us near her, she seemed very afraid. so i asked her 'can i hug you?' she shook her head yes and i wrapped my arms around her, she leaned her head in to my neck. i cried my eyes out. it was such a sweet moment.

today when i got here, she called me betty (my paw paw's sister) and told me how pretty i was. i just smiled and told her i loved her, she said ' i love you too', and i said 'i love you more', to which she replied ' no you dont!'.

it has been such an emotional roller coaster- one minute i feel calm, and at peace. the next i'm falling apart and crying. what an incredibly surreal experience this is. i cannot imagine a life with out my granny in it. selfishly, i don't want her to go. but at this point, i know her body is exhausted. i just pray God covers her in peace and comfort, and there is no pain or fear.

a few minutes ago she looked at me and said 'i don't want to sleep'. i told her she didn't have to sleep if she didn't want to, and she smiled.

a few minutes later, she fell asleep.

all day yesterday i spent holding her hand, and just staring at her. talking to her a little when her eyes were open, and just smiling at her reassuringly. i've tried to step out of the room when i cry, because i don't want her to be upset or sad, i don't want her to feel anything but peace, and love.

i've accepted that this is it, she isn't going to get better. and i don't know how to feel about it right now.

i just love her so much-- i hope she knows how incredibly loved she is by all these people around her, even if she doesn't remember who we are.

can i be a kid again?

i haven't written in a long time, it has been bugging me really. i mean, its been since may. but, i just didn't have anything bursting out of me that i had to write out. on my way home from my grandparents, i knew as soon as i walked in the door i would sit down to write.

it seems i have something to get out in my little blog, when i'm filled with emotion.

my granny isn't doing well, she hasn't been for a little while now. i've had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. denial is my friend. one day i'm totally lost in the sadness i feel, the ache in my heart. another day i'm living in blissful denial thinking she is doing just fine. that is the tricky thing with it, there are good days and bad days.

i've always been close with my granny and pawpaw, and i guess i just always had this kid mentality of them living forever. because i really can't picture life with out either of them. i have a lot of guilt, beating myself up-- i haven't spent enough time with them. my mom would tell me i needed to get over and see them-- and ya'll, i'm off work EVERY friday. i just kept thinking i'd go soon, i'd go tomorrow, next week. i got so wrapped up in running a household, being a wife, a mom, an employee, that seeing my grandparents (among a list of other things) got put on the back burner. and now i feel this urgency, like i'm running out of time. i used to be with them regularly growing up. i loved spending the night over there, shopping with my granny, having dinner every week with them.

i have always been my granny's 'kelly girl', even now as an adult, when she calls me that it makes me fee so special. i'm her kelly girl. i guess thats where 'penny girl' came from. but today, was the first time she didn't know me. she had no idea who i was. she kept asking about my sister (i dont have one), and normally when i say "i love you granny" she'll come right back with a smile and say "i love you too kelly girl"... but today, she didn't. today she just looked at me and said "thank you. thanks for visiting." it made me really sad. i know its a mixture of low oxygen, lack of sleep, and medications. i know she knows me. but it still broke my heart.

i'm an adult. i'm going on 30, have two kids of my own, i'm grown. but i feel so far from it when it comes to this. i feel like a little girl. confused, hurting, worried. i've been trying to lean on God, lean on my faith- but its just hard some times. most times, i just want to allow myself to fall apart and cry. but i'm trying to be strong, be there for my family, and help however i can. but ya'll....i just want to be a kid.

this is part of life, it really is. but it doesn't mean its easy, cause it is far from it. i'm praying God guides me through this so i handle it the best way possible. i pray he gives me comfort and strength so i can step up and be there for my family in every way.

bible study.

my pastor and i would casually talk about me leading a bible study or small group, i would laugh and say " NO way,nope.".... i had zero interest.


then i decided to organize/host a bible study for some ladies, ha. funny right? who am i?

we all picked out a study to do on Mary and Martha- and i have to say, i am loving it. we've met twice now! a small group of girls meeting at my house once a week. i was super nervous about leading but there is a lot less pressure when i'm surrounded by friends!

the first week we stuck to right at an hour long meeting. this week? we went two hours without really noticing, and i dont think anyone seemed to mind! and whoa yall, feelin' all the feels.

i see God working through our group, and touching the lives of all of us- it is a pretty cool thing to witness. this week we laughed a lot, shed some tears, and just really opened up to each other. i saw girls reaching out and helping one another, lots of hugs, lots of prayers. it is just so cool to see-- and i've been thinking about it ever since!

and it was a breakthrough for me personally! yall....i prayed for the first time out loud, in front of people. whooooa. even kendall said 'kelly i've never heard you pray before!' -- it was a big first step for me. i've always had a lot of anxiety about that. our first meeting i flat out said ' i don't want to pray! who wants to pray!?' ha...and then i was kicking myself- cause what kind of leader does that make me? i put this thing together, i needed to step up and lead. and i'm so glad i did. it was scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

but it took me a while. i've been active in my faith for a while now, but still hadn't stepped up to the plate to pray in front of others. baby steps-- i started by praying with my four year old! even that felt weird and scary to me, but after a few weeks i got more comfortable- joey even heard me pray out loud for the first time while putting our little to bed. so, i finally pulled the trigger and stepped up to lead during our bible study. it felt good!

i love seeing how these friendships are forming and growing between these girls. how trusting we are with each other, raw, transparent, and honest. the legitimate love and care we have throughout the group.

amazing things yall. i am literally witnessing God's work-- because i am paying close attention, and being very intentional and dedicated. i'm thankful He put it in my heart to step up and create this space/group/experience for these ladies and i.

serve your spouse.

when people talk about marriage you often hear things like ' put your spouse first' or ' love each other through it'..among many other things.

 i've been married 7 years now (i literally just had to stop and count on my fingers to make sure,ha).

people talk frequently about how to have a great marriage- there are thousands of books on the topic. plenty of folks employed as marriage counselors offering therapy to couples who need it. it is often a topic at church. on pinterest you can find endless amounts of ideas for date nights, gifts for your spouse, quotes on marriage, and so on. it is a popular topic!

as it should be.

my husband and i got married young (21), and had quite the unusual situation. we knew each other in middle/highschool, reconnected via facebook in college- he was stationed in germany with the army, i was here in georgia going to school. spent a total of maybe two months together in the same place, while the rest of our dating relationship took place over the phone. being young + long distance + stresses of deployments = one hot mess express of a relationship! we didn't do things the easy way, and both of us will tell ya that!

over the years i have read many blogs, articles, and books on marriage. we even spent some time in counseling. we've had our ups and downs in the 7 years that we've been married, but i feel like we didn't figure out the key until just a couple months ago.

in my last blog, i said God saved my marriage (me, and my family), and that He used 12stone to do it. i fully believe that.

during the double dog dare series, there was a message on marriage ( see it here ), and the phrase 'serve your spouse' has become our motto ever since. it was like a light bulb went off for us both. serve your spouse, show kindness, show gratitude. it seems pretty simple, and some of you may think "well, duh kelly." but see, going through the craziness of life, throwing a couple kids in to the mix, work, financial stress, and so on-- something so simple and 'duh' can actually become forgotten and/or quite difficult to do.

serve your spouse. i don't necessarily mean like, serve 'em up some food (however, that works). i mean, the little things. let me give you some examples:

- with our work schedules, i do drop off in the mornings for the kids and my husband does pick up. we've always done it that way. for the longest time, i just complained about my mornings. how stressful and frustrating it was. trying to get myself ready, get both kids ready (have you ever tried dressing a three year old who wants to pick out her own outfit-but takes half an hour to do so-, refuses to brush her teeth or hair, or put her shoes on?) grab my coffee, get out the door, get them to school, and finally get myself to work (on time!). i complained, often. one day my husband went in to work later and helped me get the kids ready and in to the car, we left at the same time- it blew my mind, and really started my day off on the right foot. i told him how much i really, really appreciated it. suddenly, he was doing it daily. that was about two months ago, and he still goes in later to help me every single morning. that may not seem like a big deal ya'll, but to me it is.

- i am off work every friday. every single friday-- whaaat? yeah, its awesome. initially i thought i would lay in bed, drink coffee, go get my nails done, hang with friends, meet my mom for lunch, and so on. but guess what? i've never done that! why? i saw it as an opportunity to serve my husband, and really to overall serve my family. i use this day each week to do every single bit of laundry in the house- i start at 7am and it takes me almost all day till about 4 or 5pm. as a load comes out, i fold it and put it away. i used to only put mine and the kid's clothes away, and would leave my husband's neatly stacked on the bed. then i decided to start putting his away for him. on top of that, i do all the dishes, clean the litter box, take the trash out, sweep and vacuum, and so on. anything that needs to be done chore-wise, i do it on friday. this does two things: it allows all the house work to be done friday so none of us have to bother with it over the weekend. it also helps my husband in small ways- he never has to worry about doing those chores cause he knows that i'll do it on friday. don't get me wrong, he often asks to help, and frequently does. but this is my way of serving my husband, weekly.

this last sunday, as i was loading the dishwasher after a meal, my husband said ' you know what? i see all the things you do around here, and i really appreciate it babe- it doesn't go un noticed' and while i don't do these things seeking praise from him, it gave me all the warm and fuzzies hearing him say that.

these are just two examples of ways we serve each other. i know, i know. it doesn't exactly scream romance. but that isn't what we're really trying to accomplish here. we are just trying to help each other, take some stress off each other. smaller ways we do this: i set the coffee pot each night, so he doesn't have to worry about it in the morning. he takes care of grocery shopping, cause he knows i hate it. i clean the litter box, just so he doesn't have to. and so on.

look for ways, big and small, that you can take some stress off of your spouse. just help them! you'd be amazed at the changes you see take place within your marriage.

another tip? pray for your spouse. and not "please just make him better" or "Lord can you make her see things my way" --- more like ' lord, please help me to be the wife my husband needs. help me to support him, encourage him, and fall in love with him over and over again'.

but the whole praying for your spouse thing? another blog, for another day :)

church, on the big screen.

i had someone ask me recently about 12stone, and if we always watched the message on the big screen-or where we could go to see a live sermon.

its funny, cause i had literally never even thought about the fact that we watched on a screen until someone asked!

and if you're not familiar with 12stone you may be wondering what i'm talking about!

12stone is one church, but in many locations. so most of the time you'll watch the sermon on a big screen- but you also have a campus pastor for whichever location you attend. now, that probably seems weird. but again, i never even realized! i mean, obviously i knew i was watching a screen, duh, it just never phased me.

(Snellville Campus Pastor Trey H. , he is pretty awesome!)

it doesn't come off as impersonal or weird or anything to me. quite the opposite. no matter where i'm sitting inside, no matter how far in the back or close up front- i can see clearly. i feel the pastor making eye contact with me, speaking to me. i can hear, and see perfectly in any seat in our church!

(larger campus)

(smaller campus)

i also love that no matter what location you attend, you get the same message. i love seeing other 12stoners out in the world, and even if we arent close friends or go to the same location- as soon as we figure out we have 12stone in common we strike up a conversation about that week's sermon! its so cool. so personal, relate-able. i love it. its like belonging to the coolest club in town (although, i'm still waiting to learn the secret handshake, and receive my de-coder ring....kidding! well, unless such things exist, ha!).

yes, its different than a typical church setting and experience- but that is exactly why i love it. the people make the church, not the building (we happily attend the Snellville campus which is currently in a high school for goodness sakes!). Not having someone standing on a stage physically in front of you, so what? heck, even when i made the decision to be baptized, i didn't even think twice about waiting till we moved in to our permanent building so it would be all fancy and on a stage with lights,etc. i was thrilled to do it in the lobby of brookwood high school surrounded by my church family up close and personal. i love that if we are sick, or out of town, and miss a sunday- we can jump online sunday night and watch the very same sermon/pastor that everyone else watched that morning!

i also love that if you don't have a bible? take one home! want some coffee? they have starbucks! church notes-check! i love the notes they hand out each week. and don't even get me started on the worship music yall.

anyhoo, give it a whirl. i have a feeling if you try 12stone, you'll fall in love with it just like i did.

i fully believe God saved me, my marriage, and my family- and i firmly know he used 12stone to do it.

what does being a mom mean to you?

mom life yall. its the name of my blog for a reason.

between adelynn's birthday this week, mother's day coming up, and just everyday life- motherhood has been on my mind a lot lately. hence my last post.

growing up there were a few things i knew: i wanted to marry young, and i wanted to be a mom. that was my great life ambition, all i ever wanted.

i got married young (21) , and the constant question came "when are yall havin' a baby??". its funny, once i got married and was expected to have a baby, i immediately wasn't ready! i pumped the brakes. i wanted to be married for a while. learn how to be a wife. mostly- enjoy my husband being home. while we were dating- it was long distance, all of it. we spent about a month and a half together total, in the same place, on the same ground. seriously. he visited home for two weeks, i visited germany for a month (he was in the army). the rest of our time dating, he was stationed in germany or deployed to iraq. we even had a 3 month break up during that deployment. then? we got married- spent two weeks together, and off he went back to iraq. we spent another six months apart before he was discharged from the army and home for good.

hence my hesitation to immediately start a family! plus, we were young- we had plenty of time!

and now? i'm a 28 year old mom of two, and it really is hard to imagine life before my babies.

to me, being a mom- means a lot of things....

- loving a tiny little human, my best friend and i created, with a love like you've never experienced-and will never understand till you experience it

- being so frustrated at times with that same tiny human, it blows your mind

- wanting sleep so bad, i literally cried over it

- having no idea what i'm doing, a lot of the time

- criticizing myself in the worst way, feeling like the worst mama ever created

- being puked on, pooped on, snotted on, peed on, and everything in between

- running on coffee, like a car running on gas

- going days without showering

- forgetting whether or not i brushed your teeth...or put on deoderant

- going shopping with goodies for myself in mind, and leaving with nothing for yourself and a ton of random things for your littles

- randomly looking at my babes, and just wanting to cry, because i just love them so much

- planning birthday parties for them 6+ months in advance

- wanting to give them the world

- googling whatever i can to help them feel better when they're sick, going to the doctor days in a row demanding answers, sleeping on the floor by their crib, and literally sucking snot out of their nose (nose freda, google it yall)

- the amount of grossness i encountered during pregnancy, delivery, recovery...and wanting to do it again and again

- singing adele at the top of my lungs every sunday on the way to church, cause they just love that song

- paranoia of forgetting memories, stories, good times and bad- so i document, every little dang thing. (hence all my pictures, videos, and journals to my girls)

- putting myrself last, so they are always first

- reading just ONE more book, cause they are adorable when they beg you to

- napping with them, in your bed. cause even though they think you're giving them this huge treat...its really a huge gift to yourself.

-selling my coach bags, michael kors bags, and every other designer thing i owned to get money together for their christmas gifts

- cleaning every friday i'm off work, so i can spend the weekend with my family without worrying about house work

- letting a teething baby literally chew on me, cause i know it helps the pain

- embracing every open mouthed, drool-filled kiss on the mouth

-sitting in the bathroom, a hot shower going, and rocking a sick little one for as long as it takes

- showing up to work exhausted after a long night of no sleep, but going in anyway ( no matter how badly you want to call out)

- using bath paints, even though it kills my ocd, cause it just makes their day

- having misophonia, but still snuggling that three year old chomping on cereal...right in my ear

- praying daily to be the best mommy i can be, but so thankful for their forgiveness on the days i fail

- worrying about their safety, their future, their hearts--constantly

i asked the facebook world what being a mom means to them, and here are a couple responses i got back:

Kristin says: ' its the most consuming obsession i've ever had. its the biggest reward i;ve earned for time spent something. its the happiest place i've ever been, it's the biggest goals i've ever dreamed about. and its the most love i've ever felt. it.is.everything.'

Kayty says:' it means shaping the future in hopes of creating a better life and future for someone you love more than your own life. it's understanding that there is something much bigger than yourself. it means that all of your life's pain is nothing compared to the joy and love you are now blessed with. it means sacrifice because no one else will. it means feeling every emotion in its entirety.'

and even a dad got in on the action (love it!), Nick says: ' it means you are the backbone of our nation!'

i couldn't have said it better myself. what does being a mommy mean to you? it has been rejuvenating for me as a mama to sit back and think about this for the past several days, i encourage you to do the same!

your last baby.

when do you know you're done havin' babies? done growing your family?

in my opinion, you never know. and honestly, i don't feel like i'm done. but we are done. doesn't make sense right?

we knew penny girl would be our final baby. for a lot of reasons. more babies means higher daycare costs, which we already struggle with. it means bigger cars, another (two) car seat, a bigger house. feeding and clothing another person, more doctor visits- more sick days calling out of work. and so on. financial reasons are the biggest for us. it bothers me so much that something like money dictates whether or not we have more babies.

cause i don't feel done. but we are.

i don't know if 'baby fever' ever really goes away for women? does it? i've felt it on and off throughout the years. and maybe now that adelynn is four, and penny is closer to two....i feel it more strongly. i don't have an infant anymore. i don't wake at night to rock and feed a baby. i don't have this tiny little baby, smelling like heaven, sleeping on my chest. no more burping, no more shushing, swaying, rocking.

i remember being in the midst of the infant stage, and being so tired i could cry. i wanted sleep so badly. i remember going to family functions and enjoying the moments relatives would hold our little babies- allowing us to take a breath and relax. its so funny when you're in it, you want out of it. and everyone tells you to soak it up cause 'they grow so fast'...

and yall. they do. they grow SO fast.

it makes me sad to think we'll never have another. it makes my heart ache (or, is it my ovaries?) to think i'll never be pregnant again.

i had a great pregnancy (aside from gaining 60 ibs) and horrific delivery with adelynn. i had a miserable pregnancy (think: puking , daily) and easy delivery with penny. lack of sleep. so uncomfortable. no beer! no caffeine. aches, pains, millions of doctor's appointments, lots of money. but oh, how i miss it. how i miss that big belly, and those baby kicks. those special moments of seeing your little on an ultrasound, wondering who they would look like. what their personality would be like. poking and pressing on your tummy to get a reassuring kick back.

to think i'll never experience it again breaks my heart.

so here it is ladies: enjoy it. every miserable, and joyful, moment of your pregnancy. soak up those sleepless nights and screaming babies - yes even then (penny had colic for three months, if she was awake she was screaming, i thought we'd never make it through)-- enjoy it. bask in it. 

cause one day,you'll miss every single second of it.

four year old adelynn.

My sweet Adelynn Grace,

Today, you are four years old. FOUR years ago you made me a mommy. The greatest gift I've ever received.

Our rainbow baby: the one God gave us after we lost our first baby. I didn't really like God then, but I'll never forget in the middle of the night- getting on my knees, tears streaming down my face BEGGING God to make that pain and heartache go away, to give us a baby. 

And then, He did. He gave us you precious girl.

You loved me, your tiny little self, even when I had a hard time loving you. I remember coming out of the fog of post partum depression , the realization that I didn't instantly madly love you- killed me. Broke my heart. How could I not? Those tiny fingers and toes, those little cheeks, those stunning baby blue eyes. But you loved me anyway. You never held it against me. I am forever grateful for your instant, and unconditional love.

Age three has been hard, but this year of your life was far from easy on you. You became a big sister, left your crib you'd slept in all your life and traded it for a big girl bed. You finally got rid of that passy, finally potty trained! You changed daycares, twice. You witnessed a time your parents had a hard time loving each other, and were being beaten down by life. 

But sweet baby, you are so strong! You did all of that! You forgave all the stress, tension, and hurt in our home. You turned it all around. Your excitement to learn about Jesus and attend church is a big part of what motivated me to go! God saved our family. And you witnessed it all, this whirlwind year. You showed us what it means to unconditionally love.

You are kind, such a sweet loving heart. You are sensitive, goofy, silly, and so incredibly loving. You love to laugh! And your laughter is contagious. You still want me to hold you, still ask me for snuggles. You'll run up to me randomly and smile saying "mommy, I just love you!"

You my sweet baby, make me want to be the best mommy I can be. And I'll never stop trying! You deserve the world sweet girl. I am so lucky God gave me you.

Happy fourth birthday miss Adelynn Grace- you are so very loved, and my wish is that you ALWAYS know that!

you have made me new.

yall! life is good. even dealing with some stress and sorrow, exhaustion and worry- life is good.

for such a long time friends would text, email, ask me " how is everything?" and depending on who it was asking they could get a variety of answers:

-you know, work, kids, life.

- eh, same old boring stuff.

- things are good!

- oh my gosh i'm miserable, depressed, exhausted, sad...i dont even know what to do anymore

cray cray!

in the last couple weeks i've been able to honestly say

" life is so, so good!"

i feel a peace in my heart, and happiness in my soul. i feel so much love for everyone around me. i feel inspired, motivated, brave.

can we talk about brave?

let me rewind: a few weeks ago our pastor Trey asked to meet us for lunch- i was instantly nervous. i felt like i was in trouble and being called in to the principal's office! every interaction i had in the past with priests, pastors, ministers, whatever: had made me feel intimidated and nervous throughout my life. joey & i met him for lunch and had a blast. it was like talking to a friend! he was so easy to talk to, open up to, and we thoroughly enjoyed our time with him!

a couple weeks later he asked if i would be willing to speak at the 12stone snellville volunteer rally. whaaat??? me? speak? on a STAGE? with a microphone? i was shaking just thinking about it but knew i had to say yes. for two weeks i was a hot mess of nerves. when the night finally came i started to wonder why i ever said yes, ha!

but yall. wow. when i finished and stepped off that stage- i felt incredible. it was a rush! part of me was just in a fog, i joked that i blacked out cause i didn't remember a darn thing i said. my best friend brittany came along with me and took a video of the entire thing so joey could see ( he was home with the kids).

take a gander, here:

joey immediately began telling me over and over again how proud he was of me- it made my heart swell! that sunday in church, i went from feeling invisible- to feeling like a part of a family. so many people came up to me congratulating me on my baptism (what? yep! i got baptized 2/21/16!), and telling me what an awesome job i had done at the rally!

the following week at church? same thing! people knew my name! one lady told me it "made the night", another asked when i was going to speak again- and my response? 'well, whatcha wanna chat about?' CLOUD NINE! i joked with my pastor that if he ever needed a hype man, i'm his gal. just call me k-rick the slick! (kidding!...kinda!)

it was a pretty amazing experience. this past sunday at church we learned a lot about being a leader in Christ. initially i thought, thats not me, so i'm going to just tune out and enjoy my coffee...nope! God had other plans, He tickled my ear a bit and got the coffee to kick in so i was wide eyed and paying attention. courage, bravery, stepping out of your comfort zone. reaching out and talking to someone about church, about God. inviting someone to church. the little things, the big things- they all make you leaders.

i left church sunday all kinds of revved up and my mind spinning. it still is! how can i be a leader? how can i serve others? what can i do? what is the next step?

i don't know what the next step is, but i'm so excited for God to show me yall.

i want to serve others, all the time- its constantly on my mind. i want to pray for every dang person i meet. i want to love these people. i love my church family and feel so special to be included in that group of people.

but guys: you don't have to wait to be included. show up, and you're in! its the easiest (coolest) family to be adopted in to. they are waiting. God is waiting. you just gotta have an open heart, accept Him, show up, and live it up!

how a church changed my life.

i was raised as a christian in the methodist church. after i married i went through RCIA and became catholic.

before adelynn turned one, joey & i had found ourselves with out a church home. we had tried a couple catholic churches, but just never connected. never got involved. and soon we lost any and all desire to go-- if we did go, it was merely out of guilt & obligation.

i've mentioned before how our friends kendall & joey had invited us numerous times to 12Stone. we came up with any excuse not to go, we just really had no desire. i even started to doubt at one point whether or not i was still a christian. i had a lot of inner monologue going on regarding this very topic. after penny was born i suddenly felt this immediate urge and need to have her baptized/dedicated/christened whatever you want to call it. but where would we do it? we had no church home. this is when we decided to give 12Stone a try.

after going a couple times i quickly got in touch with Trey, our pastor, about her dedication. on Mother's Day 2015 we had it all taken care of. i felt better knowing we had done it- and i also knew this meant i was a christian. i did believe in God. but what now?

i still had no desire to go to church. i spent most of my time exhausted. just forever tired. so sunday mornings the last thing i wanted to do was get the kids ready, get myself ready, and get us all to church. there were many sundays i would say to joey "why don't we just be lazy today? stay in our jammies and just relax?". eventually it got to the point where he told me i didnt have to go, but he would go with the girls. i inwardly rolled my eyes and said "well fine, i guess i'll go." simply because i was worried what others would think, and what it would look like if he went with the girls and i was missing. i was worried about judgement, looking bad.

so i went. but i never sang along to the worship songs. i never bowed my head or closed my eyes during prayer. i just had no feelings, i was numb. i didn't care, i wasn't connecting, there was no desire there. i often felt angry afterward. it felt fake. i felt fake.

the turning point i think, was when my friend/coworker suffered an incredible loss, an awful tragedy. i watched as she stood strong in her faith, she still leaned on God. i would be a part of group texts asking for prayers for her, for very specific needs-- and i witnessed those prayers being answered. the whole experience blew my mind.

that very day, i sent a text to my other friend/coworker, and i asked her to pray for me. and to pray for my family. my marriage. i suddenly felt like if her prayers could be answered, maybe mine could be too. but i wasn't confident enough to even attempt to pray for myself. so i asked others to do it for me- and they did. i reached out to our pastor Trey, i was very transparent and vulnerable with him- telling him things not even our closest friends or family knew about. he was extremely supportive and has continued to be.

this is when my heart started to change. this is when my whole self, my soul, started to change. slowly over the next several weeks my doubt, anger, and numbness wore off. i began to pray for the first time in years. i began to read the bible, seek out devotionals. i asked more people to pray for my needs. i started listening in church, something was stirring in my heart slowly but surely.

i started to see very subtle, small changes in life. but i noticed them; it encouraged me to continue on the journey to having a relationship with God. so, i chugged along.

now i sing out loud at church! certain songs give me goosebumps and bring me to tears. i pray HARD. i look forward to church all week long, it has become the highlight of my week every week. i've started telling everyone about 12Stone and inviting them to join us. i have been reading anything and everything i can get my hands on to nourish my walk in faith and relationship with God. i've started to write, a lot-publicly and privately. i've started a prayer request group on facebook. joey & i have joined our first small group. i'm immersing my whole life in God, in every way that i can.

when things get stressful, or difficult-- i push pause on my automatic response or reaction and my first thought is now "God". thats it. just simply, God. my whole perspective has changed in all areas. my heart is on fire, i want to know more-learn more- give more. i've volunteered to serve at church. i've started to create structure in my prayer life-- every time i'm alone in the car, no matter when it is- i use that time to pray out loud-- very specifically, very intentionally.

if i could use one word to sum up this experience, this journey, it would be that: intentional.

my husband and i are falling in love with each other again. we are working on our marriage-- we will be celebrating 7 years on friday and i know with out a doubt we're entering a whole new chapter in our marriage. there was a hole for so many years, and God is filling it. God is now at the center of our marriage. we are learning to treat each other with God-like kindness and generosity. we're learning to pray for each other. we're learning that marriage needs God, God must be the center. we are becoming better parents-- more patient, less quick to anger or get frustrated.

and it feels so good.

my whole life has changed. my heart has softened. my soul is changing.

other people have made comments to me lately that has made me realize-- others are noticing too! people are seeing this change in me.

i will forever be a work in progress. but for the first time in my entire life- i feel some peace. i sense God, i feel Him in my life- in the people in my life- all around me.

12Stone is responsible. for creating such a one of a kind atmosphere and environment. a support system and love like no other. my church family has become so important to me. Our pastor , Trey, is AWESOME. where we used to take up a few seats, we now take up 2 rows!

i am so blessed, in so many ways. the biggest? for having a God that is forever loving, forever forgiving, and forever waiting for me.

tested.

so, i feel like i failed the first test (that i was aware of anyway, consciously) God laid out before me.

friday afternoon a friend invited me out- as much as i wanted to go, i was tired- the kids were going to be home soon, and i didn't want to just bail on joey to fend for himself with the kids. he encouraged me to go if i wanted to though, since i really never go out like that. so i finally, after an hour, said "fine, i'll go" but thought it would be for a drink, maybe two, then my friend and i would come back to my house to hang with our husbands and do some crafts for our small group.

 i crashed and burned ya'll.

she was ready to go after a couple drinks, but i was the one saying " just one more!" because in my head i'm thinking: i NEVER get to do this! the problem is, my tolerance is very low when it comes to alcohol- back in the day i drank like a fish no problem! but motherhood has calmed me down and in all honesty- i don't love going over board anymore. the hang over is not worth it, and being a mom i just feel like...thats just now how i want to be. alcoholism runs pretty deep in my family tree as well, so it would be very easy to find myself in that life.don't get me wrong- joey and i keep alcohol in the house- we like to enjoy a beer or two, glass of wine-while hanging with friends. but we never "party" so to say.

well. i went too far-drank way too much. but it gets worse. when we finally closed out our tab i dragged my friend across the street to another bar, "just one drink then we'll leave." and we did- one drink (for me anyway) and gone.

however- we didn't tell our husbands where we were, that we were changing locations. also, i REALLY shouldn't have driven. granted it was about a mile down the road from our house BUT goodness...thats no excuse. i barely remember coming home yall. and when i did get home my husband told me i was pretty belligerent and rude to our friend's husband. then i proceeded to throw up, a LOT. joey put me to bed, and when i woke up the next morning i thought "what did i do?".

shame. lots of shame. this is not how i want to be, i don't want to act like that! 

our husbands were worried because we texted saying we were on the way back, but then did NOT tell them we were going somewhere else- so here they thought we'd be home any minute, but we weren't. and me driving? shouldn't have happened. i could've hurt someone else, killed myself, left my girls motherless, left some other children out there without a mother or father! i was horrified at the way i acted the night before.

joey is forgiving- he knew i was beating myself up enough about it so he didn't dwell on it. he also knows this isn't a regular thing for me, so he didn't hold it against me. i apologized to both my friend and her husband for my actions and asked them for forgiveness. yet it has stayed with me ALL weekend long.

i am ashamed, embarrassed, and so disappointed in myself. i had MANY moments where my gut told me to go home. or even initially when i fought going out for an hour before i finally caved and went. that was God ya'll. He knew, He knew how the night would go. i failed that test miserably. and it bothers me so bad.

I have been working so hard on this relationship with God, bettering myself and living as a Christian. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk. and then look what happened! My husband and friends forgave me instantly. and I prayed to God asking Him for forgiveness, I know I have it- but I don't have any peace yet. it has bothered me all weekend long. I'm just mad at myself.

is this the first time I have ever drank too much, or driven home? been a mean drunk? absolutley not- but this is the first time it has bothered me this much. i know that means my heart is changing, and my life is transforming on this journey with God. I know that, so thats good. And in the future, before i over indulge? i'm going to think of this time, and remind myself of how i'm feeling right now.

Thank God i serve a forgiving God, that loves me despite my actions, and forgives me always.





*edit: this bothered me for a long time. i didn't drink a drop for about three months. after talking with a friend she gave me a different perspective: she felt like God wouldn't set me up to fail- good point. i don't think He would either! but maybe this happening, just showed me i'm ready to close that chapter of my life. i was ready to not be 'that' way anymore. i was ready to move on. touche' friend, touche'.
since, i've had a couple drinks here and there- but am very aware of how much i drink. and honestly? i just don't have the taste for it like i used to.

new year, best me.

i am so excited for 2016. cause i know i am, and will continue to be the better version of myself.

i have found God, for real. like actually this time. i've tried and failed so many times in the past- but i feel it in my heart.

things that are different:

-i pray daily, often.
- i talk about faith and God with joey regularly.
- we attend church weekly, and i truly look forward to it.
- i (yes me, really) created a facebook group for prayer requests,
- i read Jesus Calling twice a day (once in the morning, once in the evening)
- i started a 30 day prayer journal.
- i randomly stumbled across Power of a Praying Wife, which i bought 6-7 years ago and never connected with, never got past the first chapter. found it, and can't put it down. it allows me to see my husband in a new light, and pray for him intentionally.
- i've started going to therapy.
- i look for ways i can truly help others. big and small.
- i look at scripture or devotions, or some form of God daily.
- joey & i just joined a small group for married couples that starts next month.
- before i react emotionally to anything, anytime i feel defensive or angry, the first thought in my head is 'God'. i take a breath, and then react.

it is a total transformation ya'll, and feels so so so so good.

our church family is a huge part of that. we've grown such an amazing group of people who we sit with at church each week- and it is always growing and expanding! i love going to church and seeing these familiar, loving faces. i know they truly care for me and my family. i know they are just as happy to see me, as i am to see them. this past week a friend and her family came for the first time, and one of the first things she greeted me with was ' you are SO beautiful when you smile!'. it caught me off guard and totally made my day. i hadn't been smiling much in the last year. 2015 was hard on us. and i guess people close to me have noticed, i'm smiling again :)

things are still hard, still stressful. parenting a 3 year old is teaching me patience. finances are forever a stress for us. life is still difficult in a lot of ways.

but it is also SO much better in SO MANY WAYS. i give credit to God- more importantly to these people who have come in to my life and taught me about unconditional love, strength in prayer, and unwavering faith even in the hardest of circumstances.


so blessed. this year will be so different!