Mommy pep talk.

rough week. Story of my life.

Feeling really low, and I get the best message I could've hoped for- one I needed without knowing it. An old friend said all the things I needed to hear, and I was crying by the end of it. I read it twice, and twice more today.

For all you mamas that need a pep talk? Soak it in, you need to hear these words:

I read your working mom/daycare post. Girl I want to hug you so hard. I had a terrible day at work. And sometimes I drive home and wonder why I torture myself. I want to be home with Baby more than anyone (ok exaggerating!). The way only other working moms can understand. Then I remember all of the financial responsibilities I have that lead to Baby and that give Baby the quality of life I want him to have. I don't find this materialistic. I think providing a home in a safe neighborhood with decent schools and a backyard to play with a dog are pretty basic "material" items that my son shouldn't go without. This as you know comes with an enormous amount of guilt. I sacrifice his time with me to provide him with the American Dream. So he can grow up happy. I think there are many advantages to Baby being in daycare. He learns and experiences new things with kids his age, he's learned early on to share and while mommy loves him she can't always be there. I think these are important things. If I've learned anything this last year it's - Don't let people judge you!! Not worth it's! I have enough guilt without anyone else's help! 

There are four of me. There's Mom Me ,Wife Me, Work/Team Leader Me and then there's just plain Me.  Learning to balance all of my sides is hard.  I feel like if I can excel in one than lacking in the others occasionally is ok. But days like today. Where baby was stuck at daycare for hours (his teacher's shift started after he got there and ended before I picked him up!), Hubs goes virtually ignored. No more sweet I'm thinking about you texts. My day has started and finished before I realize I spent hours working and there are still hours ahead of me. When I blow it so terribly at work I'm not only angry and upset I'm embarrassed. When I get home and console myself with a beer and chips and dip instead of sticking to the diet I should be on to lose 45 pounds. So I can be healthy for me, for Hubs and for Baby. Days like today where I failed at being all 4 of me. These are the hard days. The there's nothing I can do to do it right days. The damage is done at work. No amount of Baby snuggles last beyond his bed time, no amount of Hubs hugs last longer than his embrace. No amount of beer or dip really make me feel better. These are the days I struggle and I struggle hard.   

I'm going to put on my favorite I'm feeling down and out and like I've failed as a mom, a wife, a boss and just at being me.  I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs that I have the eye of the tiger, a fighter dancing through fire. Cause you're going to hear me roar! Im going too remind myself that life is hard and the amazing experiences come to those who work for them. I'm 29!!! I've been happily (not without challenge) married for 7 years!!! I own a beautiful home in an adorable town. I have a wonderfully sweet amazing little boy who loves me hard and loves Daddy hard regardless of the fact he's in daycare. I am a girl boss! I manage a team of 11 employees many of who are significantly older than me! I am a tiger!!!  Yell it girl!!! Scream it at the top of your lungs!!! Remind yourself of everything you've accomplished! You are a tiger! A fighter!!!!

Daycare is so hard girl - easily the hardest decisions I've made as a mom all come full circles to daycare one way or another. Making decisions that are financially prudent are hard but just because they're hard decisions doesn't mean they're wrong. You are a beautiful loving intelligent momma and wife. I know you don't make snap decisions. You've thought long and hard about this.  You know in your heart that you're doing what you need to do. Your girls and Joey will love you always. Regardless. So hang tight love! You are amazing. Don't forget it!   When Roar doesn't work, don't forget Army wives for life -love ya Sister!

ode to daycare.

any working mom knows, daycare is crucial. finding one you like, you trust, you can afford. one that will love your child and nurture them. stimulate them, teach them.

not just someone who sticks a baby in a crib alone all day, or puts the tv on for the toddlers. its so much more than that.

trust and love is so important- finding people you entrust with your mom treasured gifts in life- your kids. this world is so scary and crazy.

adelynn has been at Small Wonders in home daycare since she was a baby- its all she knows. We trust them more than I can say. they truly love our kids. they stimulate and teach them, help them experience things (safely). even after two years my mind is always blown by how amazing they are. they have a Facebook group, and post pictures/videos all day long. Its my favorite when my phone notifies me they've posted- to check in and see what my girls are up to.

we knew before we even started trying for penny, that we realistically couldn't afford two in daycare. so, we planned. i worked my ass off with my employer at the time to create an at home job for myself. joey put together a home office for me. everything was in place. i had my employer's full support. right before penny was born we did a week long trial to make sure everything went smoothly. it did. this way we could keep adelynn in the daycare we love, with the stimulation she needs, with the people she knows, and penny could be home with me.

upon my return from maternity leave, our world came crashing down. suddenly, my position was no longer needed. shocked is an understatement. i scrambled to find another job, and we put penny in daycare. but it has been an uphill battle ever since. we are flat out drowning financially.

so now. we finally gave in, and are looking at other daycares. heartbroken is an understatement.  this is going to be so difficult on adelynn.

it kills me that because of my failure, my girls have to suffer. because i couldn't do it, they don't get to be where they should be, and with whom they should be with. i'll no longer get those happy notifications on my phone with pictures and videos of my smiling girls- laughing, playing, flourishing.

I spent all morning at work crying. I was so emotional after I dropped them off at school, once I started I just couldn't stop. my heart is so heavy.

i've worked so very hard, so hard. for so many years. i just can't seem to win. i'll never stop trying, or working my ass off. but man. i am legit sad.