grief.

today has been weird.

i haven't been to church since october. joey hasn't stopped asking, every week ' you going to church with us today?' and my answer is always no. end of conversation. he hasn't pressured me. people from church, friends, family have asked me whats up, where i've been. i always have an excuse...some genuine, others not.

today i had a couple friends text me, different folks reaching out. joey came home and told me everyone misses me, and then we had a chat.

i'm not okay, with my granny being gone.

i'm not angry at God, i don't blame Him.

i just don't want to go to church right now.

going to church makes me feel, and i just don't want to feel.

even on my most joyous day, church makes me feel- as a good church should! a song can bring me to tears, a sermon gets my mind working, my heart moving. so its just the last place i want to be when my heart is totally shattered.

i've been trying to 'fake it till i make it' with this thing. the first month after she died, i totally and completely fell apart- i had a very difficult time functioning day to day. it started affecting me in all aspects of my life at home, and at work- everywhere. so i tried to suck it up and move on, which meant trying to bury it, be numb.

i stopped going to church. i stopped going to small group (both of them). practically stopped praying altogether. i stopped everything and anything that made me feel.

i sleep whenever possible- thats called depression folks. i literally plan my days around sleep, if i can squeeze in a nap, go to bed early, whatever. yet...at night? i toss and turn, lay awake till 1am, i feel like i haven't had a proper nights sleep in months.

i avoided going to my granny's house, cause it hurt too bad. i didn't want to see her not there. yesterday we had our extended family christmas there, and i tried to think of any reason not to go. but i had to. i kept looking at her chair, just staring. remembering the last time i saw her sitting in it- the day she went to hospice, my mom and i cleaning her up and changing her clothes. watching the numbers going up and down on her oxygen monitor, reminding her to breath through her nose. trying to get her to eat.

staring at the couch, remembering that day, seeing her laying on the couch barely awake, struggling to breath, but still trying to visit with me.

i didn't want to be there yesterday.

my niece brings her up, she did last night (cousin sleep over!) and i changed the subject. i can't talk about her. i don't want to feel it.

i dream of her often, but not sweet dreams. replaying her last seconds here. i was holding her hand with my left hand, sobbing in to her shoulder, with my right hand over her heart- feeling its last beat, feeling her last gasp of air.

most of the time, i hurt. all the time. then sometimes, i'm numb. and it doesn't feel real that she isn't here.

i listen to the speech i gave at her funeral, a few times a week. i listen to the song josie sang at her funeral over and over. i look at her pictures daily.

i know this isn't the right way to handle it, i am aware of that....but its just how i'm dealing right now.

how is she not here?