hopes crushed.

i can't sleep. i am so tired, but my mind will not shut up.

ya'll, this is me. officially giving up on having adelynn home with me. that is really hard for me to say, and makes me cry so easily. today has been a very very rough day.

i know it seems crazy, i mean i just shouted from the roof tops not too long ago about how my dreams finally came true. theres a lot to it, and for now it is just too private to lay it all out in such a public place. but there it is.

its done.

i've worked for this for so long. this has been my motivation, my drive, my goal- every single day since i was pregnant. to NOT have this goal/thought in my head is going to be so weird. my heart literally hurts. i feel like a big fat failure.

by the way, if you didn't realize, you've all been invited to my pity party.

baby girl will be back in daycare full time (again) tomorrow. so much for that. this bothers me for many reasons:

- i want to raise my child
- i don't want to miss a thing
- if/when we move we have to think about daycare. if we move too far she can't go where she is now, and i don't want her anywhere else. if she is in daycare at all, i want her where she is. but i also don't want daycare location to dictate where we move. make sense? vicious cycle.
- i just want to be a mommy and spend time with my child
- i want to save the money

being a mommy, is what i want. i worked hard, non stop, determined, motivated and finally achieved it. and now its gone.

so whats next?

hopefully sleep.