granny.

Jackie Robinson Hill

but I just know her as, Granny.

I have always been my granny's "Kelly Girl", and every time she would call me that, it made me smile, made me feel special. Even as an adult, I loved walking in to her house and saying "hey yall!" and granny would smile and say " hey Kelly girl!" every single time. I started calling my youngest "Penny girl" after she was born, it came so naturally, and makes me think of my granny every single time I say it.

My granny is silly yall. I remember as a teenager, we'd all be riding in the car to dinner and I would be in the back seat with her, and she would just drive me crazy! my mom and my paw paw were always saying "granny, leave Kelly alone! stop picking at her!" she just loved to mess with me and irritate me, almost like she was my sister instead of my grandmother.
Growing up, we went to dinner with granny and paw paw weekly. Spent time at the lake. Had lots of sleep overs with my cousins, binge eating paw paw's nutty buddy bars, and watching Jerry Springer on tv with granny. She would sing us stories like 'the burglar man' and we'd laugh at her silly voices and beg her to sing it again. I loved shopping dates with just her ,my mom, and I. The three of us drove each other crazy, but we love each other so much we just kept going back for more. Granny and my mom have always been so much more than a mother and grandmother to me, they are my best friends.I see so much of myself in each of them, and years ago I would have seen that as a bad thing, but now I smile and thank God.

Thinking about her this morning I realized I'm a lot like her:

- we both married men in the military
- we both love sparkly jewelry, REAL jewelry-specifically rings
- we both love reading books
-we hate window shopping, let us spend all the money and buy all the things!
- she always had a camera in our face, snapping pictures-we hated it! but now I'm the one doing the picture taking, snapping candids, and capturing memories.
- she was so sensitive, it was easy to hurt her feelings...have you met ME?
- she was sweet, loving, and so silly- but feisty too- make her mad? watch out, thats me to a tee.
- Joey calls me a hoarder, I keep anything and everything I deem a memory: from a napkin to our wedding, down to a receipt from a dinner in Germany. THAT is my granny.
- she always called me her kelly-girl, and I call my littlest penny-girl.

My granny never judged me, never turned her back on me. covered in tattoos, dropping out of college, her and paw paw welcomed me in to their home with out a second thought. They never hesitated to take me in. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, but they made sure I had somewhere to eat and sleep. I called her often just to chat on the phone, vent. she would listen, give me advice, and just made sure I knew I was loved. I always felt free to tell her anything with out fear of judgment, or getting in to trouble. I'll never forget the first time she caught me smoking a cigarette when I was in college, I begged her not to tell my mom, and she said "well, ok. but give me a puff!"

I have the honor of wearing the diamond from her engagement ring, in my engagement ring.It means so much more to me than I think she ever knew-- I would joke growing up that that was "my diamond", and my mom and I would play fight over it. It was never about the diamond- I mean don't get me wrong, it is beautiful. I love having a piece of her and my paw paw's love story. Whenever I would see her she'd say "let me see my diamond, hows it doing?"
Their marriage is one for the books. They so clearly loved each other. I always saw my paw paw as a tough man, but when it came to her, he was soft. She stood by his side through this crazy life. She never wavered in her love and support for him. Their marriage is the perfect example of what I pray for in my own marriage. 60 years of marriage, they knew what they were doin'.


I am so thankful I spent her last few days here on earth with her, by her side. Those memories are some I know I will never forget.
See, hospitals, nursing homes, funerals, viewings--- all of the above and everything in between- always scared me, gave me anxiety. This was different. I couldn't leave her side. I had to be there. Even when we knew it was that time, I was rooted to her bedside- my right hand over her heart, and my left holding hers. It was a surreal experience to see her slip away from here to Heaven, and one that truly shook me to my core. Even after she passed, I just sat there, staring at her. Stroking her hand, and praying over her. When it came time to leave the hospice center I had to go back in, one last time, and tell her I love her.

Today is my mom's birthday. We spent today at the funeral home with her brothers and my paw paw setting up all the funeral details. Writing an obituary. Picking caskets, flowers, and everything involved in a funeral. My mom and I went shopping to find a blue night gown for my granny, that was what she asked to be buried in- I think we found the perfect one.
The whole experience, going through these motions, is necessary for me. I didn't even ask (luckily my uncles didn't seem to mind) I just had to be there. I wanted to be with my mom. I wanted to be involved. My paw paw looked at me before we left and said "I love you so much, thank you for being here and helping".

Now I find myself at home, and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so foggy and confused. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm calm, the next angry, but mostly just devastatingly sad.
 I was out this morning going to buy my mom's birthday gift, and was texting with my friend Maria....little did I know, she was in that same store texting me. She found me in the parking lot and I was so surprised to see her--- I'm pretty sure I hugged her three or four times while we stood there talking. I poured my guts out right there in the parking lot to her,talking a mile a minute, with my mind all over the place. Un-showered, yesterday's smudged makeup, lookin' a hot mess of crazy. I was explaining to her how sad I feel, a sadness I have seriously never experience before, ever. She knows, she gets it- cause she's been there. Thank God for sending her to me this morning, I needed a hug so bad. At that point in the day I hadn't seen anyone so there was no one to hug.

I don't know how to get through the next few days, her funeral is day after tomorrow. I hate when people see me cry, and I know a lot of folks will see it Sunday. The tears seem to come suddenly, and out of the blue.

I hurt so bad right now.

I  miss her so much it hurts. I know this is part of life but that doesn't mean its easy. I know shes smiling down on us right now, and probably mad that I told on her for smoking.

I feel lucky that God gave me such a one of a kind grandmother, my granny. She is unlike anyone I've ever known, even when she drove me crazy- i loved her like crazy.

so that i don't forget these moments.

my granny isn't doing well.

she has been in a hospice facility since Monday, and the plan was to take her  yesterday to my uncle's house in Griffin so they could take care of her. i came up here yesterday to spend time with her before she went, because i knew i wouldn't see her as much, if at all, once she was over an hour away. i spent all day and night with her, just holding her hand. she ended up getting worse throughout the day, so they cancelled plans to move her- and she is now staying here.

i went to her house to see her last Thursday, and she knew who i was. when i saw her Monday, she knew who i was initially but by the time i left she didn't know me. yesterday, she would shake her head 'yes' when i asked if she knew me, but i don't think she really did. she has progressively gotten worse.

at this point we're told, the oxygen they are giving her is what is keeping her here. so they are going to slowly decrease it through out today- all the family is here to be with her.

i will forever be grateful for the time i've gotten to spend with her these last couple days. just her and i alone, staring at each other.

yesterday when i first got here, i knew she didn't know who i was, i asked her what my name was and she just smiled at me. i said 'kelly, i'm your kelly girl' and she said 'your eyes are so pretty, and i love you so much.' 

at one point, i leaned in and whispered in her ear "you're my favorite granny, and i love you so much more than you know" - she smiled and started to whisper so i leaned in and she whispered 'i love you more'. at this point in the day she wasn't recognizing anyone, and wouldn't let us near her, she seemed very afraid. so i asked her 'can i hug you?' she shook her head yes and i wrapped my arms around her, she leaned her head in to my neck. i cried my eyes out. it was such a sweet moment.

today when i got here, she called me betty (my paw paw's sister) and told me how pretty i was. i just smiled and told her i loved her, she said ' i love you too', and i said 'i love you more', to which she replied ' no you dont!'.

it has been such an emotional roller coaster- one minute i feel calm, and at peace. the next i'm falling apart and crying. what an incredibly surreal experience this is. i cannot imagine a life with out my granny in it. selfishly, i don't want her to go. but at this point, i know her body is exhausted. i just pray God covers her in peace and comfort, and there is no pain or fear.

a few minutes ago she looked at me and said 'i don't want to sleep'. i told her she didn't have to sleep if she didn't want to, and she smiled.

a few minutes later, she fell asleep.

all day yesterday i spent holding her hand, and just staring at her. talking to her a little when her eyes were open, and just smiling at her reassuringly. i've tried to step out of the room when i cry, because i don't want her to be upset or sad, i don't want her to feel anything but peace, and love.

i've accepted that this is it, she isn't going to get better. and i don't know how to feel about it right now.

i just love her so much-- i hope she knows how incredibly loved she is by all these people around her, even if she doesn't remember who we are.

can i be a kid again?

i haven't written in a long time, it has been bugging me really. i mean, its been since may. but, i just didn't have anything bursting out of me that i had to write out. on my way home from my grandparents, i knew as soon as i walked in the door i would sit down to write.

it seems i have something to get out in my little blog, when i'm filled with emotion.

my granny isn't doing well, she hasn't been for a little while now. i've had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. denial is my friend. one day i'm totally lost in the sadness i feel, the ache in my heart. another day i'm living in blissful denial thinking she is doing just fine. that is the tricky thing with it, there are good days and bad days.

i've always been close with my granny and pawpaw, and i guess i just always had this kid mentality of them living forever. because i really can't picture life with out either of them. i have a lot of guilt, beating myself up-- i haven't spent enough time with them. my mom would tell me i needed to get over and see them-- and ya'll, i'm off work EVERY friday. i just kept thinking i'd go soon, i'd go tomorrow, next week. i got so wrapped up in running a household, being a wife, a mom, an employee, that seeing my grandparents (among a list of other things) got put on the back burner. and now i feel this urgency, like i'm running out of time. i used to be with them regularly growing up. i loved spending the night over there, shopping with my granny, having dinner every week with them.

i have always been my granny's 'kelly girl', even now as an adult, when she calls me that it makes me fee so special. i'm her kelly girl. i guess thats where 'penny girl' came from. but today, was the first time she didn't know me. she had no idea who i was. she kept asking about my sister (i dont have one), and normally when i say "i love you granny" she'll come right back with a smile and say "i love you too kelly girl"... but today, she didn't. today she just looked at me and said "thank you. thanks for visiting." it made me really sad. i know its a mixture of low oxygen, lack of sleep, and medications. i know she knows me. but it still broke my heart.

i'm an adult. i'm going on 30, have two kids of my own, i'm grown. but i feel so far from it when it comes to this. i feel like a little girl. confused, hurting, worried. i've been trying to lean on God, lean on my faith- but its just hard some times. most times, i just want to allow myself to fall apart and cry. but i'm trying to be strong, be there for my family, and help however i can. but ya'll....i just want to be a kid.

this is part of life, it really is. but it doesn't mean its easy, cause it is far from it. i'm praying God guides me through this so i handle it the best way possible. i pray he gives me comfort and strength so i can step up and be there for my family in every way.