I was heard.

2/10/16

So, this is awkward. But important.

Last week we went for a couples massage for our anniversary. Some stuff went down. I take responsibility for not saying anything, I went numb and was in shock. My body language was screaming but no words came out.

I was ready to live in blissful denial and act as if nothing had happened. After some encouragement from two people I decided to cooperate with the police. That was yesterday morning (2/9).

Tonight I got a call from the detective that the suspect in question was arrested for sexual assault and battery, on felony charges. Shocked, scared, relieved, sad.

See I'm really really good at burying stuff. And I wanted to do that.

Then I decided to do the right thing, but more importantly as a mom of two daughters- I would want them to speak up and come forward. Yesterday was so incredibly hard and exhausting - I was a hot mess of emotions. Being questioned by the police was a surreal experience and left me emotionally drained. Today I feel so much better knowing the outcome and knowing this man can't do this to women anymore.

Praying it doesn't go to trial cause I don't want to have to testify- I will if I have to, but praying he doesn't fight it.

5/20/15

A lot has happened.

The story hit the media; I got a call from the police department warning me. They assured me my information was removed from reports, but also cautioned me that if people wanted to find out my identity- they would. I was scared. I didn't want my name attached to it, I still didn't want anyone to know. I obsessed over all the links on google I found, the Facebook posts, news articles- I couldn't stop reading. Then I made the mistake of reading people's comments... It crushed me. It made me sick. It made me angry. How ignorant and hateful people can be. As I began reading comments, one of my best friends texted me and said "I know you. Don't go reading comments; it'll only hurt you. People are idiots".

Too late.

The thing is, after it hit the media? A handful of women came forward saying the same man, did the same thing to them. I couldn't believe it. Now, there's a list of victims. And my experience was mild compared to some of the others- it's heartbreaking. Makes me want to throw up.

However, he got out on bond a couple weeks ago. He somehow paid CASH, and was released. So now, we wait. I have a feeling it'll go to trial since he hasn't plead guilty so far. And I really don't want to go through that. The business is still open, still servicing people. He isn't supposed to be involved... But who knows really. The ownership of the place has changed hands but that means nothing. He is walking around freely, and most likely still involved in the business. It's sickening.

http://www.fox5atlanta.com/news/http://www.fox5atlanta.com/news/96039603http://www.fox5atlanta.com/news/96033595-story3595-story

6/3/16

The DA called me today. That was surreal. I felt my heart drop as soon as they told me who they were and began talking about the case.

They warned me his lawyers may try to contact me.

They told me his inditement hearing is next week. From there we find out if he chooses to go to trial. I have a feeling it will, but I'm hoping his lawyers advise him against it due to the stack of evidence and list of victims. I really, really don't want to go through a trial.

I'm so ready for this to be over. I forget about it finally, and then I get a phone call or email from the detective and/or DA-- and it brings it all back.

There is so much shame and fear I feel. Like I have this dirty secret, when really- it's not my fault. The logical side of me knows that. The victim in me is confused. 

I find myself going over every second of that experience: was it my fault? I should've done something. What color were his shoes again? What was he wearing? I specifically remember his shoes because that's all I could see: his feet. My mind was reeling but no words came out. My body language was screaming but it made no difference. My husband was RIGHT THERE a few feet away, but I felt numb and trapped. It hurts me that my husband blames himself: but how could he have known? I blame myself: why didn't I flip my shit and cause a scene? I shut down, went internal, numb. I just froze.

I'm angry, and I'm sad. I'm ashamed.

I want it to be over with already.

6/10/16

He has been indicted on 30 charges this week.

 14 victims total including myself.

http://patch.com/georgia/suwanee/suwanee-massage-parlor-owner-abused-13-women-indictment-claims

2/8/17

Well, shortly after everything came out in the news, and he was indicted...

He fled the country- to Canada. They stopped him at the border, and he's been sitting in a Canadian jail ever since. Apparently the extradition process takes a while (it's been almost a year).

I got a call from the DA today; the extradition order was finally approved, so he should be back in the country in 6-9 months. Once here, court happens.

I just want to forget and move on.

2/27/17

At my last therapy session we started discussing why I'm so closed off, don't like being touched or held. I chalked it up to having two toddlers always on me, grabbing me, all over me! But then my therapist brought up the massage. We dove in to it as much as I tried to brush it off. And I teared up- it was the first time I had been emotional over it since the day I was interviewed by police. 

Apparently, It's affected me more than I've realized.

3/3/2017

I've been hurting for two weeks. Sciatica, lower back, shoulder, neck. I'm to the point I can't turn my neck to the left. Joey has tried rubbing my shoulders (which have been a constant issue for almost 5 years now) and it gave me some temporary relief. Normally, I'd go get a massage to get it all loosened up and worked out. Normally I'd go on Groupon to find a $30 one hour massage since I can't afford the standard $100+. But I don't trust it anymore. I found a place local that will do your first massage for $40, I can swing that. However the employee I spoke to either thinks I'm a huge prude, or I have a thing for women. I asked probably 8 times "and this is with a female right?" So much thought and mental prep shouldn't have to go in to it, but this is the new normal I suppose.

When I got here I asked to use the bathroom first- as soon as I started walking down the hall way my anxiety flared. It looked the same as the place I last went. Bathroom was in the same spot. I remember going to the bathroom immediately after that massage to just take a breath and have a moment alone.

Now sitting in the lobby- I'm anxious. Just waiting, for something that's supposed to be relaxing. I asked again, feeling silly, to be sure I have a female doing the massage.

I'm ready to have my pain go away, loosened up, but I'm also ready to just get this over with. I used to love getting a massage- it was always such a treat since I don't have the money laying around to do it often-and so relaxing. First world problems I know, but I'm hoping one day I don't give massages a second thought and can enjoy it. I'm hoping once I get back in to the room I can relax and really enjoy it.

5/11/17

Well, heard from the DA today. He's back in GA, incarcerated. Hearing is June 5. They have offered him a plea deal: 25 years in prison, and probation the rest of his natural life. DA doesn't expect him to accept the deal, so it may end up going to trial I guess. Awesome.

8/4/17

Well, court date was two weeks ago- he asked for a continuance to seek new counsel... so back to square one.

9/1/2017

Court date has been rescheduled every single time. According to the DA it may be back on the calendar in October.

10/6/2017

Zero update.

10/16/17

Got a letter in the mail, rescheduled for 10/24. We’ll see if it actually happens. Losing hope at this point.

3/2/18

Apparently, his lawyers submitted a “quash motion” but then changed their minds... now Court is set for May. The DA emailed me asking me to come in for a meeting to discuss legal issues with me. I go today at 2pm and I’m very nervous, but also curious. Just not sure what to expect. I really want it over with, resolved. The plea deal is still on the table, but according to the DA his lawyers still don’t like it so, it hasn’t been accepted. 25 years in prison plus probation for life. 

Curious to see what I learn today.

- what I learned: the DA and staff I met with were very supportive. But also let me know my charges against him are not “strong enough” or what was done to me not “bad enough” that my experience likely won’t be included in the trial at all. On one hand I’m glad, and thankful my experience wasn’t worse. On the other hand, it makes me sick thinking of the other women who did have it worse. And, why is my experience minimized at the same time? What was done was not okay, but because it wasn’t “bad enough” I don’t have a voice? 

Our justice system is fucked up.

11/11/2018

After months of zero response from the DA, finally got an answer- things have continued to be pushed month after month. They are hoping for a trial... in the spring.

1/10/2019

DA just called. He has requested a trial, so it is scheduled for the week of April 22. Now I wait on another call from the DA to schedule a meeting discussing me testifying. I’m shaking.

4/17/2019

I met with the DA today. They seem hopeful for a trial in June. They gave me an official order to be in court. We went over my original interview with the police. It was rough. I was nervous but determined. I’ll be one of the first to testify, misdemeanors first in support of the felony charges.

My charge won’t actually be tried - as part of the deal with Canada when they extradited him, that’s fine. He’s looking at 25 years to life for each of the four felonies- works for me. I don’t see now any jury wouldn’t find him guilty. 

I’m so ready to get it over with, I pray we have the trial in June once and for all. I left that meeting crying and all kinds of emotional. It took me back to that place three years ago. THREE years ago... lord.

6/21/2019
It's over.

A Star Is Born- Trigger Warning/Spoilers

I watched the Barbara version of A Star Is Born and loved every minute, when I heard Bradley Cooper was doing a new version with Gaga I couldn't wait to see it. I listened to the soundtrack long before I actually saw the movie and ate up everything on social media I could find.

What I didn't realize was how much of a trigger it would end up being for me when I finally did see it. I mean, I had seen one version previously- I knew it would likely be a little different, but I had no idea I would react to it as strongly as I did.

Last night, I excitedly snuggled up in bed after the kids were down, and pressed play. I enjoyed every song, the chemistry between Bradley and Gaga, and then slowly I became entranced with the underlying theme playing out. I think a lot of people watch the movie and focus on the music, the romance, the chemistry, and ultimately the heartache at the end.

Know what I saw? My big brother.

No, he wasn't a rock star, or even a musician. He was, however, an alcoholic with a big heart that ultimately never could over come his demons or addiction. I silently watched with tears streaming down my face. When it was over I turned the tv off, rolled over, and grabbed my book. It was sort of like when you watch a scary movie before bed and then decide 'hey I need to watch something funny before I go to sleep or I'm going to have nightmares from hell!'. But I couldn't focus on my book, I just kept crying harder. I finally rolled over to Joey, and with out me even having to say anything he knew. 'I'm sorry babe, hit a little too close to home.' and I just let it out as he held me.

I haven't cried over my brother in a while. There was a time when I cried over him daily. We're quickly approaching the two year anniversary of his death, and honestly I'm much better than I was even just 6 months ago. I hear a lot about triggers, to make sure you identify them so you can avoid them or learn how to deal with them.
While I was in New Orleans a couple weeks ago, someone was talking about their brother that passed. I sat there and listed for a few minutes, and then finally looked at my best friend and said "I'm going to walk away for a few." She came over to me shortly after," You doing ok?" cause she knew- I didn't even have to address it. That is a trigger for me, it sends me down the dark hole quick cause it takes me right back to that day I found out he died. I'm too much of an empath, I'm not at the point where I can sit there and talk to someone who also lost their sibling without soaking up all their pain along with mine. That particular instance, it just wasn't the time or place for me to sit and chat with someone about losing a sibling- Mari Gras, New Orleans, booze flowing- recipe for disaster, so I removed myself from the situation.

Seeing Jackson in rehab- seeing him drink himself sick- seeing him sob and apologize for hurting the ones he loves- seeing Ally's manager completely shatter him post rehab- and then seeing him work through the suicidal thoughts and finally making the decision to take his life. Seeing the aftermath of a heartbroken Ally, Jackson's brother, and the emotional song Ally sung at the end. I just fell to pieces.

Even right now, 5 a.m. the next morning- I can't get it out of my head and I can't seem to dry up these tears. I didn't sleep well, and woke up crying. I miss my brother. I'm so, so sad he is gone. I'm heartbroken for all those big hearted people fighting addiction, and devastated over those who lose the battle.

Who knew this movie would hold so many triggers for me, especially since I had seen a previous version and did fine with it. Don't get me wrong- the movie was amazing, so well done. I loved it. But, I don't know that I could watch it again anytime soon because of all the triggers towards the end. I'll happily listen to the soundtrack, and maybe one day I'll be able to watch it again with a different perspective.