why i journal to my girls.

when adelynn was born, i knew i would keep up her baby book. aside from that i didn't plan on much else. but while i was in the hospital, my aunt came to visit me and brought gifts. one of the things she brought me was this pretty journal:

initially i thought ' that is so pretty! what the heck will i use it for?'

when adelynn was about 4 weeks old, i realized i had all of these thoughts, feelings, experiences that i wanted to remember- and more importantly, that i wanted to tell her about one day. i had seen an idea on Pinterest about starting an email account specifically for you child and writing them emails, then when they are older giving them the password. loved that idea. but i had this pretty journal, so i decided to go the old school route.

my plan initially was to give it to her when she turned 18. then i changed my mind to her wedding day, THEN i decided when she has her first child. my mom was always trying to give me stuff from my childhood, or old toys etc from when i was a kid- and i always just told her to toss it. even when i was pregnant! i realize i didn't appreciate those things until i became a mommy, holding my baby in my arms. then i got it.

once i started journaling, i couldn't stop. i didn't want to forget anything! i write about whats going on in our lives, holidays, birthdays, funny things she does, when she is sick, etc. the good and the bad- all of it! i finished this first journal when she was about 18 months old. i tucked it away in our hope chest, and already had a second one ready for her. 

i found this on Etsy, an italian lady hand paints/binds the pages, and it is gorgeous. it has a ton of pages so i've been using this one since she was 18 moths old, and she is now 3 and i'm not even half way through it! my MIL got this for me for my birthday one year. (even wrote a blog about it, HERE)

so, i knew when i got pregnant with penny girl, i would want to do the same thing. i started collecting little journals i thought were cute as i saw them out and about.

and when penny was born- i was ready! i started writing to her right away. she was born Nov. 11th and i wrote her first entry Nov. 17th.

i plan on doing this for years to come, and like i said- giving them their journals when they have their first child. i really hope they enjoy reading through them one day. maybe learn some parenting tricks, laugh at the cute stories about them, and also appreciate the realness and transparency. realizing i won't be giving them these till they are much older- i don't leave a lot out. i talk about when joey was laid off in 2013, when i was let go recently, depression i'm dealing with, financial stress, marriage, etc. i keep it real because i want them to be able to learn. i remember writing a particular entry when joey and i went to gatlinburg for a weekend to celebrate our sixth anniversary. i wrote to them both about how in love their daddy & mommy are. and how important it is to nurture your relationship with your spouse, as that is the foundation for our family. being connected, communicating, spending quality time together- it helps our marriage, and in turn, helps us be better parents to them.

i take my journals everywhere. i used to carry them in my purse (when i had a bigger purse) so i could write on my lunch break, or wherever i may be. anytime i've traveled i've taken them with me, and i always find some time to write.

i love writing while they are napping- i can see them sleeping peacefully on the monitor, sip my coffee (or wine), and write away. fill the pages with stories, fears, love, and more.

i also started getting a book for birthdays- obviously penny hasn't had a birthday yet, but i started it with adelynn and will continue with penny.

its almost a way for family/friends to journal to them once a year, or like a little year book. i also plan to give them these books when they get pregnant with their first (perfect baby shower gift, i can see it now!) so they have a little collection of books for their babies.

i put them out at birthday parties and make sure everyone signs them :)

adelynn's first birthday:

adelynn's second birthday:

adelynn's third birthday:

i've really enjoyed this little tradition. i hope my girls , one day, will enjoy reading about their lives from their mommy's point of view :)

I dreamnt we'd all take care of each other.

The new normal, #momlife

I've come to realize that I'm not alone. After getting several messages, texts, and emails from other mamas and pre-mamas I've noticed a trend.

Sometimes:

We all struggle.

We all hurt.

We all feel crazy.

We all feel resentful.

We all need help.

We are depressed.

We are anxious.

We love our kids, husbands, friends- but sometimes we need time for us. Sometimes we need to be allowed to be vulnerable, weak, ask for help. We need to be taken care of.

Admitting all of that- makes us STRONG.

So, let's do it.

1-2x a month, let's all get together. No kids, no husbands- just us. Let's vent, cry, complain whatever over a glass of wine or bottle of beer. Let's relax and decompress, take some time for US.

Times are tough- so to keep it cheap: 

- eat dinner before you come!

- BYOB

- have the hubs watch the kids

- let's host at different people's homes 

I'm notorious for KNOWING I need me time- but then it comes down to it and I feel guilty for leaving the kids, or "abandoning" my husband. Or I'm "too tired". Whatever the excuse. No more excuses!

Time to take care of ourselves, embrace the new normal, and love each other back to sanity!

realness.

it doesn't get more real than this post.

 if you think my blog is a cry for attention, or a sob story, or whatever-- let me stop you right there. STOP READING. this blog is for me and no one else. i don't force anyone to read it. so just do us both a favor and move on to the next.

i've been suffering from pretty severe depression the last few months, and it finally boiled over this week. it's no secret i've had issues with depression my entire life- most notably after i had adelynn and suffered postpartum depression. i fought it, and with the help of my doctor and family made it through. shortly after getting pregnant with penny i was diagnosed with pre-natal depression (yep, thats a thing), so i was yet again put on a low dose of zoloft. it did the trick, and i was fine.

after penny, at my 6 week check up- i told my doctor i was feeling pretty low. and i truly felt it was situational. recovering from a section, becoming a mom to two, having my wisdom teeth out 2 weeks after delivery, financial stress, a colicky newborn, lack of sleep, etc. she agreed with me and upped my meds just a smidge-- and again, it did the trick.

but then, i went back to work. i won't get in to details as much as i realllllly want to-- but basically, i was out of a job. it was a total shock and totally unexpected. the domino affect it caused in our lives is substantial. i did quickly find another, thank God. but since then (early February) i have been in a downward spiral.

i've tried hard to stay positive, hype myself up, and tell myself this too shall pass. last week i hit a breaking point, my all time low and i just...couldn't do it anymore. i almost immediately spoke to joey about it. he knew i was struggling but i dont think he knew just how badly. my kids are being loved and taken care of, i'm being a good mom- but aside from that, i've had a hard time functioning day to day.

the weight loss everyone is ooh-ing and ah-ing over? 40 pounds in 5 months? well, that would be lack of eating. not intentional, not an eating disorder- just zero appetite. i've been eating dinner with joey and the kids- otherwise, nada. this has caused lots of dizzy spells, fainting, my hair falling out, lack of energy, and pure exhaustion. i've also been breaking out in hives- i've never experienced that so i assumed it was an allergic reaction of some sort, but after going to the doctor...turns out it is stress hives. imagine that.

I basically just stopped taking care of myself.

on days i don't have to work, if i'm home alone- i lay in bed, all day. i don't move. cry, sleep, cry.

i am at my lowest point.

doctor doesn't want to change my meds, up them anymore- and i honestly appreciate that. she knows i don't like taking medication of any kind, and i really dont want to just drug myself. so she suggested i look in to therapy. joey agreed. so my first session is next week. i've been to therapy before-- for a bout a year in college, and then a year and a half after joey got out of the military. its helpful and i do enjoy it. so i'm hoping talking it out will do the trick and help me get things back in perspective, calm down, re-focus, and get my happy back.

its going to take time, and work. the work aspect makes me cringe...exhausts me just thinking about it. the time aspect...ugh. i need it to just go away and snap back to myself. i dont exactly have patience. i just want my life back.

depression is real ya'll. some people roll their eyes and say "grow up, suck it up, move on" but people who say that have never really experienced it. it can be severe. it can affect you physically, it can prevent you from functioning. it can make you feel like a crazy person in your own mind. your thoughts are unclear, you can't focus, you can't be calm. it can ruin your life.

thank god i have an amazing husband, the best bff around, and family who supports me. my mom checks on me daily. my bff allows me to text her anytime i'm feeling crazy and helps talk me down. joey is handling everything he can to allow me to work through this.

doesn't get much more real than this folks.

day dreamin'

I want to write. I want to write a book, and a blog, and articles for a paper, continue to journal to my girls... I want to write.

I think about it a LOT. My problem is, I don't know that my writing style is 'allowed'. I write like I'm talking to someone, I write how it sounds in my mind. I don't pay attention to grammar or how things flow. I just write. Sure, I go back and re-read to make obvious changes. But for the most part, I just write. Another problem, what do I write? I have plenty to share: life experiences, heart break, tragedy- all that typical emotional stuff. But a lot of it is private, involves others, and I just don't know if I could do it.

So. How do I write? Cause that is truly what I love.

I also want to read, a lot. I have about 8 books piled up on my night stand right now, along with a handful on my Kindle- but barely get to touch any of them. How do you find the time? When do you read?

I want to go to school. I want some sort of degree, for purely selfish reasons. I want something I can frame and hang on my wall, to be proud of. To look at and say " I did that". It has always bothered me I didn't finish college, I had my reasons, and still stand by them- but it bothers me. Again... where do I find the time? and money? shit is NOT cheap.

There is so much I want to do and become. Taking action is hard, only because of things like time and money. Oh, and talent. I may love to write but that doesn't mean I'm good at it. I may want to finish school but I KNOW I'm not good at it.

A friend (and mentor) of mine posted a link on Facebook the other day, and I've gone back to look at it 3x already. Tony Robbins, 'How to Make a Massive Action Plan' , seen here.

When I find the time... (ha, time.) I'm going to sit down and really work on this for some goals of mine. Cause there's no time like the present right?

more changes.

I don't do well with change. I never have, whether its good or bad. I like to plan, organize, be consistent.

After only 4 weeks back from maternity leave, I had to leave my job. I could write a BOOK on that situation, but I won't.

Thankfully I got another job quickly, and one I'm really really excited about. I'm trying to see the stress of leaving my job as a blessing in disguise. I'm slowly getting my happy back.

I'll be working as an Executive Assistant/Marketing Manager for a tutoring center, three locations. I'll be working out of the one right here by our house. It takes me less than 10 minutes to get there, it shares a parking lot with our pediatrician, and is maybe half a mile from daycare. I also work MWF, and get two days home with Penny girl. Which is great, to still spend time with her- but also saves us money on daycare. Winning! Eventually I'll be able to do some work from home T/Th which is amazing. So far I'm really enjoying it, and am so excited to be working in something I love: marketing! My employer also encourages learning- already talking about sending me to a social media seminar. Excited is an understatement. I've started looking at various schools and what they offer in a Social Media certification/degree. That will be down the road, cause ya'll-- money doesn't grow on trees around here. But just the thought of going back to school has me SO excited.

Work-wise, my self esteem was torn to shreds. Just totally crushed. I haven't had to go on interviews for years, so I was really nervous. I knocked them all out of the park, and ended up getting some pretty amazing job offers. Two in particular I had to decline, they both told me to get in touch if my situation changes because they'd love to have me. Talk about good for the soul. It made me realize I need to stop selling myself short. I've always applied to entry level positions, reception, etc. thinking that was all I could get since I don't have a degree. This go around I realized I'm worth more, and clearly there are employers out there who think that.

It has been a really rough and stressful few weeks, but I'm slowly recovering.

I always survive, right?

here we go again....

so, its no secret I've battled with depression off and on for years. there are plenty of sad sappy posts in this old blog to prove that.

I finally got off anti-depressants (which, was really hard) after suffering post partum depression in 2012 when Adelynn was born. By the time I was 12 weeks pregnant with Penny, my doctor put me back on them after diagnosing me with pre natal depression, which I didn't even know was a thing. I was nervous about taking them while pregnant but it proved to be a blessing and really helped me- and penny girl is here, just fine & healthy.

Lately I've been skipping doses on random days. Sometimes because I just do...and sometimes because I just get so busy I forget. Its pretty stupid, I know. I thought about it a lot today and am definitely not going to skip it intentionally anymore.

That, along with some situational stress...has put me in a big funk.

I had 12 weeks off of work to be home on maternity leave with Penny- which was a welcome change from the short 8 weeks I had with Adelynn. During these 12 weeks a LOT happened: recovering from a section, a touch of post partum depression (despite the medication) getting in to a routine with a newborn & 2 year old, having all my wisdom teeth out, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Joey's bday, New Years, and our sixth wedding anniversary. Oh, and Penny got RSV- ended up taking her to the ER and then to the pediatrician every week for three weeks. After that I didn't leave the house unless I HAD to, I didn't ( and still don't) want to get her out in the cold if I didn't have to.

I started back work almost two weeks ago. I work from home 4 days a week and go in to the office on Fridays. Awesome, right? I was so excited to have this time with Penny, that I didn't get to have with Adelynn when she was a baby. I worked really hard to make this happen- I've been striving for it for over three years, got really close once, but it fell through. This whole me working at home gig was my way to enable us to grow our family. Before Penny we knew we couldn't afford two in daycare. And obviously can't afford for me to be a SAHM. Thats how this plan went in to motion. We wanted to grow our family, but wanted to do is responsibly.

Looks like history is about to repeat itself. Hence why I said I WAS so excited...

I don't know what happened. I'm hurt, disappointed, and confused. I didn't do a thing wrong- followed all the rules- did what was asked and expected of me...so I can't help but thing "why? WHY ME?"

hence the whole battling depression thing. again.

I think the stress is what is causing my insomnia, so I'm running on about 4 hours of interrupted sleep every night. I can't sleep. I'm sad, angry, confused, hurt, stressed. Its a vicious cycle.


but, I'm doing what I always do. As much as I'm feelin' all the feels, I'm chugging along and pushing onward. Doing what I have to for my family.

Younique By Kelly-- BB Cream!

I don't know about you, but when I first heard the term BB Cream I had no idea what it was!

Shortly after trying Younique's mascara, I looked in to the BB Cream and decided to give it a shot. I'm glad I did, because next to the mascara- its something I wear every single day.

The BB Cream is light weight (not cakey, yuck!) and gives you a flawless, dewy finish. It truly is a complexion enhancer. I have awful circles under my eyes, they almost look purple-- and after my first pregnancy I've had super splotchy skin, which is very noticeable as I am very very fair skinned. (I use the cream colored cream) This stuff works wonders on evening out my complexion and giving my skin a nice, even finish. A lot of times I will only wear BB cream, no concealor or foundation!

I absolutely love the results I get with it. It also acts as a moisturizer, which is perfect with all this cold weather we're having now.

As for application, everyone does it differently. You can use a brush, sponge, or just your fingers! You can also use it for highlighting and contouring.

I've had a lot of girls try this out shortly after getting hooked on the mascara, and every single one of them love it!

Needless to say, it is something I will forever keep in stock for myself! When I have my baby girl next week, mascara and BB Cream will for sure be in my hospital bag ;)

Get yours here: BB Cream

 mini make over  by ME!

and an after shot with better lighting outside ;)

www.3DLashesByKelly.com