realness.

it doesn't get more real than this post.

 if you think my blog is a cry for attention, or a sob story, or whatever-- let me stop you right there. STOP READING. this blog is for me and no one else. i don't force anyone to read it. so just do us both a favor and move on to the next.

i've been suffering from pretty severe depression the last few months, and it finally boiled over this week. it's no secret i've had issues with depression my entire life- most notably after i had adelynn and suffered postpartum depression. i fought it, and with the help of my doctor and family made it through. shortly after getting pregnant with penny i was diagnosed with pre-natal depression (yep, thats a thing), so i was yet again put on a low dose of zoloft. it did the trick, and i was fine.

after penny, at my 6 week check up- i told my doctor i was feeling pretty low. and i truly felt it was situational. recovering from a section, becoming a mom to two, having my wisdom teeth out 2 weeks after delivery, financial stress, a colicky newborn, lack of sleep, etc. she agreed with me and upped my meds just a smidge-- and again, it did the trick.

but then, i went back to work. i won't get in to details as much as i realllllly want to-- but basically, i was out of a job. it was a total shock and totally unexpected. the domino affect it caused in our lives is substantial. i did quickly find another, thank God. but since then (early February) i have been in a downward spiral.

i've tried hard to stay positive, hype myself up, and tell myself this too shall pass. last week i hit a breaking point, my all time low and i just...couldn't do it anymore. i almost immediately spoke to joey about it. he knew i was struggling but i dont think he knew just how badly. my kids are being loved and taken care of, i'm being a good mom- but aside from that, i've had a hard time functioning day to day.

the weight loss everyone is ooh-ing and ah-ing over? 40 pounds in 5 months? well, that would be lack of eating. not intentional, not an eating disorder- just zero appetite. i've been eating dinner with joey and the kids- otherwise, nada. this has caused lots of dizzy spells, fainting, my hair falling out, lack of energy, and pure exhaustion. i've also been breaking out in hives- i've never experienced that so i assumed it was an allergic reaction of some sort, but after going to the doctor...turns out it is stress hives. imagine that.

I basically just stopped taking care of myself.

on days i don't have to work, if i'm home alone- i lay in bed, all day. i don't move. cry, sleep, cry.

i am at my lowest point.

doctor doesn't want to change my meds, up them anymore- and i honestly appreciate that. she knows i don't like taking medication of any kind, and i really dont want to just drug myself. so she suggested i look in to therapy. joey agreed. so my first session is next week. i've been to therapy before-- for a bout a year in college, and then a year and a half after joey got out of the military. its helpful and i do enjoy it. so i'm hoping talking it out will do the trick and help me get things back in perspective, calm down, re-focus, and get my happy back.

its going to take time, and work. the work aspect makes me cringe...exhausts me just thinking about it. the time aspect...ugh. i need it to just go away and snap back to myself. i dont exactly have patience. i just want my life back.

depression is real ya'll. some people roll their eyes and say "grow up, suck it up, move on" but people who say that have never really experienced it. it can be severe. it can affect you physically, it can prevent you from functioning. it can make you feel like a crazy person in your own mind. your thoughts are unclear, you can't focus, you can't be calm. it can ruin your life.

thank god i have an amazing husband, the best bff around, and family who supports me. my mom checks on me daily. my bff allows me to text her anytime i'm feeling crazy and helps talk me down. joey is handling everything he can to allow me to work through this.

doesn't get much more real than this folks.