here we go again....

so, its no secret I've battled with depression off and on for years. there are plenty of sad sappy posts in this old blog to prove that.

I finally got off anti-depressants (which, was really hard) after suffering post partum depression in 2012 when Adelynn was born. By the time I was 12 weeks pregnant with Penny, my doctor put me back on them after diagnosing me with pre natal depression, which I didn't even know was a thing. I was nervous about taking them while pregnant but it proved to be a blessing and really helped me- and penny girl is here, just fine & healthy.

Lately I've been skipping doses on random days. Sometimes because I just do...and sometimes because I just get so busy I forget. Its pretty stupid, I know. I thought about it a lot today and am definitely not going to skip it intentionally anymore.

That, along with some situational stress...has put me in a big funk.

I had 12 weeks off of work to be home on maternity leave with Penny- which was a welcome change from the short 8 weeks I had with Adelynn. During these 12 weeks a LOT happened: recovering from a section, a touch of post partum depression (despite the medication) getting in to a routine with a newborn & 2 year old, having all my wisdom teeth out, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Joey's bday, New Years, and our sixth wedding anniversary. Oh, and Penny got RSV- ended up taking her to the ER and then to the pediatrician every week for three weeks. After that I didn't leave the house unless I HAD to, I didn't ( and still don't) want to get her out in the cold if I didn't have to.

I started back work almost two weeks ago. I work from home 4 days a week and go in to the office on Fridays. Awesome, right? I was so excited to have this time with Penny, that I didn't get to have with Adelynn when she was a baby. I worked really hard to make this happen- I've been striving for it for over three years, got really close once, but it fell through. This whole me working at home gig was my way to enable us to grow our family. Before Penny we knew we couldn't afford two in daycare. And obviously can't afford for me to be a SAHM. Thats how this plan went in to motion. We wanted to grow our family, but wanted to do is responsibly.

Looks like history is about to repeat itself. Hence why I said I WAS so excited...

I don't know what happened. I'm hurt, disappointed, and confused. I didn't do a thing wrong- followed all the rules- did what was asked and expected of me...so I can't help but thing "why? WHY ME?"

hence the whole battling depression thing. again.

I think the stress is what is causing my insomnia, so I'm running on about 4 hours of interrupted sleep every night. I can't sleep. I'm sad, angry, confused, hurt, stressed. Its a vicious cycle.


but, I'm doing what I always do. As much as I'm feelin' all the feels, I'm chugging along and pushing onward. Doing what I have to for my family.