I watched the Barbara version of A Star Is Born and loved every minute, when I heard Bradley Cooper was doing a new version with Gaga I couldn't wait to see it. I listened to the soundtrack long before I actually saw the movie and ate up everything on social media I could find.
What I didn't realize was how much of a trigger it would end up being for me when I finally did see it. I mean, I had seen one version previously- I knew it would likely be a little different, but I had no idea I would react to it as strongly as I did.
Last night, I excitedly snuggled up in bed after the kids were down, and pressed play. I enjoyed every song, the chemistry between Bradley and Gaga, and then slowly I became entranced with the underlying theme playing out. I think a lot of people watch the movie and focus on the music, the romance, the chemistry, and ultimately the heartache at the end.
Know what I saw? My big brother.
No, he wasn't a rock star, or even a musician. He was, however, an alcoholic with a big heart that ultimately never could over come his demons or addiction. I silently watched with tears streaming down my face. When it was over I turned the tv off, rolled over, and grabbed my book. It was sort of like when you watch a scary movie before bed and then decide 'hey I need to watch something funny before I go to sleep or I'm going to have nightmares from hell!'. But I couldn't focus on my book, I just kept crying harder. I finally rolled over to Joey, and with out me even having to say anything he knew. 'I'm sorry babe, hit a little too close to home.' and I just let it out as he held me.
I haven't cried over my brother in a while. There was a time when I cried over him daily. We're quickly approaching the two year anniversary of his death, and honestly I'm much better than I was even just 6 months ago. I hear a lot about triggers, to make sure you identify them so you can avoid them or learn how to deal with them.
While I was in New Orleans a couple weeks ago, someone was talking about their brother that passed. I sat there and listed for a few minutes, and then finally looked at my best friend and said "I'm going to walk away for a few." She came over to me shortly after," You doing ok?" cause she knew- I didn't even have to address it. That is a trigger for me, it sends me down the dark hole quick cause it takes me right back to that day I found out he died. I'm too much of an empath, I'm not at the point where I can sit there and talk to someone who also lost their sibling without soaking up all their pain along with mine. That particular instance, it just wasn't the time or place for me to sit and chat with someone about losing a sibling- Mari Gras, New Orleans, booze flowing- recipe for disaster, so I removed myself from the situation.
Seeing Jackson in rehab- seeing him drink himself sick- seeing him sob and apologize for hurting the ones he loves- seeing Ally's manager completely shatter him post rehab- and then seeing him work through the suicidal thoughts and finally making the decision to take his life. Seeing the aftermath of a heartbroken Ally, Jackson's brother, and the emotional song Ally sung at the end. I just fell to pieces.
Even right now, 5 a.m. the next morning- I can't get it out of my head and I can't seem to dry up these tears. I didn't sleep well, and woke up crying. I miss my brother. I'm so, so sad he is gone. I'm heartbroken for all those big hearted people fighting addiction, and devastated over those who lose the battle.
Who knew this movie would hold so many triggers for me, especially since I had seen a previous version and did fine with it. Don't get me wrong- the movie was amazing, so well done. I loved it. But, I don't know that I could watch it again anytime soon because of all the triggers towards the end. I'll happily listen to the soundtrack, and maybe one day I'll be able to watch it again with a different perspective.
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