a week or so ago i posted on facebook asking if anyone had recommendations for a devotional. i've been looking for a while and am apparently very picky. i don't want something with a cutesy story and daily verse- thats not what i needed. i wanted something that would force me to crack open my bible, really dig in deep, and work through the struggles in my faith and relationship with God. MANY were suggested and i looked them all up. as soon as i read about Stuck, i knew it was perfect for me.
even this morning, sitting in my car in the parking lot at work, i read the first couple pages of the introduction and knew it was the right one for me.
'we are broken.'
so, here goes nothing.
it begins by asking me to identify three places in which i feel most stuck: finances, hurt, family.
finances: we are struggling, and have been- i'll leave it at that.
hurt: i'm just hurt, plain and simple. sad, broken, down.
family: #daddyissues .... life with a three year old, issues with various parts of my family.
Romas 8: this addresses two ways to live- the first: to know God, to be His, to be filled with His spirit and to enjoy life and peace. the second: to be enslaved to our flesh, constantly pleasing it, and feeling sin & death in it all.
' see, when we step in to faith with Him, God shatters everything. He changes every relationship, how we spend our time, our motives, our passions, how we live and how we die.'
this struck a cord with me- because i'm seeing it happen before my eyes. since i've started to really focus on my faith, daily, and put effort in to figuring it all out- i've seen changes. in my life in general, the way i think, my reactions, my relationships, most of all- my heart.
Study: read Romans 8:1-17
'Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who lives in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation- but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will love. For those who are lead by the Spirit of God are the children of God. the Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry "Abba, Father". The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs- heris of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
So there are two sides to the war from this verse: the side of those who follow the Spirit of God vs. those who live according to their flesh. it reminds me of a message from church a couple weeks ago: living in a Christian worldview vs living a non-christian world view. (you can see it HERE.)
Isaiah 53:6 ' All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned- every one- to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Christ the iniquity of us all'
i have most definitely turned to my own way, my entire life. selfish, self-centered, living a non christian world view lifestyle and not thinking twice or feeling badly about it. until now. the places in life that we are stuck, is a space that longs for God and his forgiveness. when we are honest with ourselves in terms of our sin, we realize the need for God and call out to Him. thats what i'm doing right now.
see, i always saw religion and faith, a relationship with God- as an obligation. something we just had to do, had to believe. which is probably why it often felt forced and fake to me. but now i see it for what it is: our choice.
who are you Lord? and what do you want from me?
where do you go to find life, to find God? 12Stone Church, and random facebook messages with a select few.
what are things that steal joy from you? stress, lack of sleep, broken relationships, worry.
Sources of life & peace:
- in your relationships:
-in your home:
in your mind:
-in your schedule
-in your daily decisions:
Sources of sin & death:
-in your relationships:
-in your home:
-in your mind:
-in your schedule:
-in your daily decisions:
2 Corinthians 12:10 ' for the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong'
- How could this verse transform your view of your weaknesses?
God lives in me....true or false?
Do you understand that no act on your part will achieve salvation for you?yes.
Do you believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God and that He is God?this is one i have always struggled with- just because i don't understand. how is one person the father, son , AND holy spirit? if He is all in one...how is He sitting next to himself, or send Himself down to earth to save us..or...huh? i really don't understand this one.
Do you believe that He took your place in His death on the cross to pay for your sin?yes.
Do you believe that He has risen from the dead and now sits at the right hand of God the Father? yes, and see question 2....?
Have you placed your life in the hands of this God for salvation and hope?yes, many years ago. and again, now.
i have a lot of work to do. there are some parts of this first devotion i left blank, because i'm drawing a blank. but, that means i got what i wanted: a devotional that will force me to dig deep and really think.
gotta start somewhere, and this is a dang good start ya'll.
didn't make it to church, again- sick kiddos! but joey was able to go, and he (and some friends) all told me how good it was this week. i've been wanting to watch it ever since, and tonight was my first chance. so, sitting by the fire-by the light of the christmas tree, i watched.
if everyday you could add value to other people's lives, and at the same time Jesus is recognizing it and saying to you ' Thank You, you've just added value to Me'...would you say that would be a significant day? Living a life that really matters?
for our life to really matter and count, we need to see the big picture.
- Matthew 25: 31-40 (Jesus values people). "Master what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?" ..... "whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me- you did it to me."
Jesus values people so much that when we add value to others, He takes it personally.
Jesus became one of us. Because He thinks so highly of us, and values us so much He left Heaven to come be with us. If you don't see Jesus in the picture when you see people, you don't have the right picture. we need to see Jesus all the time.
every one has the opportunity to add value to people, no one is lacking in that way.
- Matthew 25:42 'whenever you fail to do one of these things to someone being over looked or ignored, that was Me. you failed to do it to Me.'
when we miss that opportunity, we miss the opportunity to minister to Jesus. this helps us see the people we come in to contact with daily in a whole different light. God feels far away? start loving people, care for people- He will begin feeling very close. (this statement hit me in all the feels cause i have been experiencing it almost daily for the last few months)
At this point John starts telling a story about going out to eat with his family. the waiter was killin' it with customer service and really taking care of them. he started talking with him and the waiter told him he works part time there to try and funnel some money in to a business he is starting, that it wasn't going well but he was trying. John said he had a nice talk with him, and felt compelled to gift him financially. the waiter was so blown away and told him how much it meant to him, he gave him a hug and as John was walking away he said it dawned on him, "Jesus just hugged me, that was Jesus."
No one saw the big picture of adding value to others.
Seeing the big picture = seeing Jesus in people's lives.
- It makes insignificant acts, significant. It upgrades everything we do.
Do you think those people that did value to others, if they saw Jesus in others, do you think they'd do more good things? YES.
people who did not do good things or add value to others, if they saw Jesus in others...do you think they would've gotten more involved? YES.
not only need to see the big picture, but i need to be intentional. i need to be intentional because the moment i am, i increase my acts of good works.
' everything worthwhile is uphill' -- nothing is easy, automatic, by chance. the only way you go uphill is by being intentional.
Three words to describe intentional living: Deliberate, Consistent, Willful.
Deliberate : i think about my life and reflect on it.
Consistent : i am intentional on a daily baiss, not just once in a while.
Willful : i made a choice to be intentional.
we are not naturally inclined to think of others first, we are born selfish.
Five everyday essentials to be intentional:
1. every day i value people. Jesus valued everybody. (including the overlooked and ignored)
- Connect with people: everyone needs a friend, everyone has good in them, everyone wants to feel valued, everyone can help me by adding value to me (so i decide to receive it), everyone wants to better their life.
2. every day i think of ways to add value to people. (think ahead, be intentional)
3. look for ways to add value to people.
4. every day i do things that values people.
good intentions have no value, unless they become good actions.
5. every day i encourage others to add value to people.
i loved this message. while listening, so many people in my life came to mind. people who are already adding value to others every single day and in any way they can. these are the ones who inspire me.
it is so crazy to me how each sunday, the message has struck a cord with me so personally the last few weeks. it makes me feel like i'm on the right path, and this is all falling in to place for me finally.
i feel like i've made a big changes in my faith recently. i find it on my mind daily now, looking forward to church each week. joey and i also decided to join a small group together with some friends, and i'm really looking forward to that. i've learned that my faith grows when im around people, in fellowship, people who's hearts are on fire for God and can teach me SO much.
i've found myself praying on the way to work. the other night, Adelynn was being a hot mess three year old and i could feel my frustration rising....i started praying in my mind. thats a first for me. i haven't prayed in so long, and suddenly i seem to be praying all the time.
i suddenly have this intense interest in learning everything i can about God and faith in general. looking for devotionals, looking in to small groups, talking with my friends and family who are strong in their faith.
big things for me. each week seems to get better and better when it comes to my faith.
something cool? 12stone had a reverse offering in ALL services on sunday...when i heard about it my draw dropped. read about it here: http://danreiland.com/a-reverse-offering/
dear God, please help me continue to learn about You. Grow closer to you. please help me look at the world more intentionally, and look for ways to add value to people- whether it be financially, a hug, a helping hand, whatever- ANY WAY i can help. help me to start noticing those opportunities and find the creativity to make things happen for people. please continue bringing these amazing people in my life, right now- when i need it most. help me to grow closer to You, and to see You in others. just help me. Amen.
we weren't able to go to church today- sick kids! story of my life. and this is probably the first time we've missed church, that i've actually CARED that we missed. baby steps.
i watched it first chance i got, and today's message was on gratitude.
Luke 17:17 'were not all ten cleansed? where are the other nine?"
God notices the presence AND absence of gratitude. He notices a grateful heart. God doesn't need your gratitude, he's not insecure- but He wants it, desires it, deserves it.
gratitude = moving towards God
2. gratitude must be expressed to exist. you feel it, do something with it-express it and let it be known.
unexpressed gratitude feels like ingratitude.
the two words 'thank you' strengthen marriage, relationships, work relationships, teams, etc.
"feeling gratitude and not expressing it, is like wrapping a present and not giving it." - William Aurthur Ward
3. gratitude defeats entitlement.
Luke 17 : the nine who did not return were Jewish like Jesus, privileged. the one who did return was an outsider- the only one who came back to say thank you. the other nine felt entitled, the one felt undeserving.
4. gratitude opens opportunity.
Luke 17 "....rise and go, your faith has made you well." he received cleansing, and salvation.
PRACTICES
1. develop a gratitude routine.
example: make a list each day of ten things you're thankful for from the day before.
Giving thanks to God is how we enter in to His presence.
2. improve your gratitude reflex.
how quickly you are to say thank you, to express your gratitude when you feel it.
i will say, i've been feeling a whole lot of gratitude here lately. people have come in to my life, old friends/family and new. they have totally blown my mind with their generosity- and i'm happy to say i've said thank you pretty dang quickly. my heart is overflowing with gratitude, almost daily for the last couple months. and again, i'm just now realizing God is speaking to me through these people. using these people to soften my heart.
you should be thankful, you should be grateful. and goodness gracious am i. and wow....light bulb. thats because of God. here i am all these months and years angry with God, just so hurt and bitter. but now i'm starting to realize that He is not responsible for the bad, He IS responsible for the good.
i'm actually starting to HEAR what is being said in church, i'm actually listening to the messages now. and it is slowly starting to sink in for me. i've stopped resisting and am finally embracing. it feels pretty freeing!
Dear God, please help me understand the 'why' i am constantly asking You. help me understand that the bad isn't You, its satan. help me understand that i don't have to listen SO hard to hear Your voice- i just need to pay closer attention to those around me. amen.
today while sitting in church, i had a light bulb moment.
but let me go back a sec.
i've struggled with my faith, if i'm being honest, most of my life. i've never felt that feeling so many others talk about. i've tried, given up. tried again, gave up again. a couple years ago we got out of the habit of going to church, simply because we just couldn't find a good fit for a church home. we got busy with life, and just didn't really think about it anymore.
in the last several months we found a home at 12stone church. it helps we have friends that go there, it makes it easier to go, less intimidating. funny thing is i can type and blog about my faith, and my struggles with my faith, so easily. it flows from my fingers. but verbally discussing it with others gives me the worst anxiety. i'm not sure why. i've also never prayed out loud...ever.
since we found our place at 12stone i've been putting a lot of thought, time, and effort in to figuring out my faith. my relationship with God.
part of my problem is, not ever really having a good relationship with Him, or strength in my faith. then, hard times. lots of hard times in my life. most recently, this last year. i grew bitter. the "why me?" attitude. wondering why bad things kept happening. selfish and self centered, i know. but hey, i'm human ya'll.
so in my journey to understand this thing, work on a relationship with God- find that feeling, that peace, that hope....i kept waiting for a sign from God. i kept waiting for Him to speak to me as i've heard others mention.
i kept waiting and felt like, what the heck- nothing is happening..so what is the point? He doesn't hear me, he isn't talking to me.
and then, this morning in church- my light bulb moment.
this verse: 2 Peter 3:11
"Since all these things are to be destroyed in this way, what sort of people ought you to be in holy conduct and godliness..."
this verse, i've heard it before- but today i heard it differently. three people came to mind immediately. Katie, Gwyn, Daphne. i work with these three ladies, and i've learned more from each of them than any of them probably know. these three DO love in holy and Godly ways. and this is where my light bulb moment came from.
Katie: this woman.. wow. she is my guardian angel, my mama, my friend, my mentor, my soul mate in some ways. she took me in so quickly- i felt an immediate connection to her, i couldn't explain it but i just felt drawn to her. i had mentioned needing to get some sippy cups for penny to try, and next thing i know she brought me some to work. i needed dark jeans for work photos...she brought me two pairs. she found me some black pants for work, handed 'em over. she is so giving and loving. she collects people i say- she just wants to love everyone and help anyone she can in any way. she has shown me what it means to be there for people, and inspired me to pay it forward. she has been a huge huge part in my cold bitter heart changing. she just inspires me in so many ways, and i love her so much. she showed me the power of prayer- i was amazed. she asked for prayers for a friend, for a particular request, and days later those prayers were answered. it blew my mind- i don't know that i've ever seen prayers answered before. or maybe i had and didn't realize it at the time. after that, i opened my heart to her and told her things i've never told anyone before- i asked her to pray for me. for my family. i told her i needed the help. and that i saw how those prayers were answered, so in my desperation i wanted her to pray for us. she has done so much more for us, her and her husband. but we'll keep that between us, our little secret.
Gwyn: my manager! she is easy to talk to, and is there for me. i've had nice talks with her, with tears in my eyes. i've told her how awkward i feel talking about God, praying, but how i want to. i just can't seem to get comfortable with it. she has given me such good advice, and been such a good sounding board for me. she saw i was looking for a cross necklace, and magically she gifted me one. i told her i've never worn a cross with it actually meaning something- and i feel ready to wear it now as an outward symbol of my faith and work towards God. i was sure i had one but when i looked through my jewelry box i was surprised to see i didn't have one. so BAM...she had one. she has told me she is praying for me and is there for me whenever i want to talk- and it means a lot to me.
Daphne: this lady. talk about strength. Daph lost her grand baby last month. he was 4 months old, and just never woke up from his nap one day. i'll never forget that day- her husband showed up to tell her.....the cry of pain i heard from her office is one i'll never forget. everyone in the office was in tears. it shocked me how quickly my own tears came. i can't even imagine that kind of pain. through it all she has shown grace, love, and most of all faith. her faith never faltered. she continued praying and leaning on God. and i thought " why would something like this happen? why would God let this happen? and how can she still love God and lean on Him, believe in Him?" her faith is as strong as ever, and it is truly an inspiration to me.
so you see...God WAS speaking to me. through them. and it hit me this morning in church, hearing that verse. it was just a crazy feeling. all this time i was waiting to hear from Him, He was using them to chat with me.
these people, all of them, i work with- are changing my heart. they inspire me in so many areas of life but most especially my faith. they make me want to be better, to help others, to pay it forward, to show kindness every chance i get. my heart became so hard and bitter. it is slowly but surely softening up, and i feel it. i can tell by my thoughts, my way of thinking. it feels good. this last year has been so difficult, painful, stressful. i continued wondering why, why did i lose my job- why did i lose it when i did, and how i did. it was awful. i held on to it for so long- and almost a year later i understand. it happened so i could be here, where i am now. working where i am, for who i am, and with all these amazing people. it needed to happen- i didn't understand that until today.
" what are your thoughts on pre determination, fate, free will? Joey and I were talking about this last night- my question was: why would God allow such awful things to happen? The preacher who went to the gym and came home to find his pregnant wife shot and killed....He is vigilant in his faith. he prays. he lives a Christian life. so why does this happen? to him? And the lady who was killed at Walmart-why? I'm not trying to start a debate- just really want to hear your thoughts. In my struggle with faith, and work towards God- these are the questions i continue having."
i posted this question on facebook the other day, cause this is something i struggle with a lot. i don't understand why such awful things happen, why God allows it to. i've heard quite a few answers, church even had a teaching on it one sunday- but i still struggle with it. a lot of people answered and had a lot of great things to say, one in particular struck me. joey. penny's godfather and our good friend. i kept going back to his response.
" It all goes back to Adam and Eve. God gave us free will to love and free will to sin. All sin has a consequence. If God forced us to love Him we would all be robots, and that is not true love. We all live in a Fallen Godless world. This world is satan and his demons playground. This world rejects God. God sits in heaven His foot stool is the earth. Sometimes we will never understand God's will until we get to heaven. I'm sure God is sickened and saddened by all his children that die at the hand of evil. We must eradicate evil. God says he will be back in the end of days to throw and cast satan and his minions into the lake of fire. We don't know when that day is. But until then we must put on the full armor of God. We all struggle with the questions from time to time. I still don't know who murdered my sister? God can take everything ugly in life and make it new and beautiful if we continue to put our trust in Him. Hope this helps. Satan is always trying to shake our faith. Satan's greatest lie is to make us believe none of this exists. To make us believe there is no heaven or hell. To make us believe there is no hope. Satan is a liar and he is only come to deceive, devour, steal, and kill. God save us, and equip us to fight against our enemy! I hope this helps, we can talk in person sometime if you would like. God bless you. I love you and your family."
also in church today-the music. i've heard this song at church before but today it brought tears to my eyes and gave me goosebumps. thats a first. here are the lyrics:
When Death was Arrested
Alone in my sorrow and dead in my sin
Lost without hope with no place to begin
Your love made a way and let mercy come in
When death was arrested and my life began
Now ash was redeemed only beauty remains
And my orphan heart was given a name,
My mourning grew quiet and my feet rose to dance
When death was arrested and my life began
Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
Its your endless love pouring down on us
You have made me new now life begins with You.
Released from my chains I'm a prisoner no more
My shhame was a ransom You faithfully bore
He canceled my debt and He called me His friend
When death was arrested and my life began.
Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
Its your endless love pouring down on us
You have made me new now life begins with You.
Our savior displayed on a criminals cross
And darkness rejoiced as though Heaven had lost
But then Jesus arose with our freedom in hand
When death was arrested and my life began
Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
O we're free, free, forever we're free
Come join the song of all the redeemed.
O we're free, free, forever amen.
When death was arrested and my life began.
O we're free, free, forever we're free
Come join the song of all the redeemed.
O we're free, free, forever amen.
When death was arrested and my life began
When death was arrested and my life began
When death was arrested and my life began.
Joey and I passed notes during church today...i know i'm a jackalope Christian- meaning I believe in God and am a Christian, but I'm not living a full Christian life- I'm doing what I want to do. Heres our little notes about that....
all in all. i've been reflecting a lot today since leaving church this morning. today was a big step for me in my little journey. i'm most definitely a work in progress.
Feeling really low, and I get the best message I could've hoped for- one I needed without knowing it. An old friend said all the things I needed to hear, and I was crying by the end of it. I read it twice, and twice more today.
For all you mamas that need a pep talk? Soak it in, you need to hear these words:
I read your working mom/daycare post. Girl I want to hug you so hard. I had a terrible day at work. And sometimes I drive home and wonder why I torture myself. I want to be home with Baby more than anyone (ok exaggerating!). The way only other working moms can understand. Then I remember all of the financial responsibilities I have that lead to Baby and that give Baby the quality of life I want him to have. I don't find this materialistic. I think providing a home in a safe neighborhood with decent schools and a backyard to play with a dog are pretty basic "material" items that my son shouldn't go without. This as you know comes with an enormous amount of guilt. I sacrifice his time with me to provide him with the American Dream. So he can grow up happy. I think there are many advantages to Baby being in daycare. He learns and experiences new things with kids his age, he's learned early on to share and while mommy loves him she can't always be there. I think these are important things. If I've learned anything this last year it's - Don't let people judge you!! Not worth it's! I have enough guilt without anyone else's help!
There are four of me. There's Mom Me ,Wife Me, Work/Team Leader Me and then there's just plain Me. Learning to balance all of my sides is hard. I feel like if I can excel in one than lacking in the others occasionally is ok. But days like today. Where baby was stuck at daycare for hours (his teacher's shift started after he got there and ended before I picked him up!), Hubs goes virtually ignored. No more sweet I'm thinking about you texts. My day has started and finished before I realize I spent hours working and there are still hours ahead of me. When I blow it so terribly at work I'm not only angry and upset I'm embarrassed. When I get home and console myself with a beer and chips and dip instead of sticking to the diet I should be on to lose 45 pounds. So I can be healthy for me, for Hubs and for Baby. Days like today where I failed at being all 4 of me. These are the hard days. The there's nothing I can do to do it right days. The damage is done at work. No amount of Baby snuggles last beyond his bed time, no amount of Hubs hugs last longer than his embrace. No amount of beer or dip really make me feel better. These are the days I struggle and I struggle hard.
I'm going to put on my favorite I'm feeling down and out and like I've failed as a mom, a wife, a boss and just at being me. I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs that I have the eye of the tiger, a fighter dancing through fire. Cause you're going to hear me roar! Im going too remind myself that life is hard and the amazing experiences come to those who work for them. I'm 29!!! I've been happily (not without challenge) married for 7 years!!! I own a beautiful home in an adorable town. I have a wonderfully sweet amazing little boy who loves me hard and loves Daddy hard regardless of the fact he's in daycare. I am a girl boss! I manage a team of 11 employees many of who are significantly older than me! I am a tiger!!! Yell it girl!!! Scream it at the top of your lungs!!! Remind yourself of everything you've accomplished! You are a tiger! A fighter!!!!
Daycare is so hard girl - easily the hardest decisions I've made as a mom all come full circles to daycare one way or another. Making decisions that are financially prudent are hard but just because they're hard decisions doesn't mean they're wrong. You are a beautiful loving intelligent momma and wife. I know you don't make snap decisions. You've thought long and hard about this. You know in your heart that you're doing what you need to do. Your girls and Joey will love you always. Regardless. So hang tight love! You are amazing. Don't forget it! When Roar doesn't work, don't forget Army wives for life -love ya Sister!
any working mom knows, daycare is crucial. finding one you like, you trust, you can afford. one that will love your child and nurture them. stimulate them, teach them.
not just someone who sticks a baby in a crib alone all day, or puts the tv on for the toddlers. its so much more than that.
trust and love is so important- finding people you entrust with your mom treasured gifts in life- your kids. this world is so scary and crazy.
adelynn has been at Small Wonders in home daycare since she was a baby- its all she knows. We trust them more than I can say. they truly love our kids. they stimulate and teach them, help them experience things (safely). even after two years my mind is always blown by how amazing they are. they have a Facebook group, and post pictures/videos all day long. Its my favorite when my phone notifies me they've posted- to check in and see what my girls are up to.
we knew before we even started trying for penny, that we realistically couldn't afford two in daycare. so, we planned. i worked my ass off with my employer at the time to create an at home job for myself. joey put together a home office for me. everything was in place. i had my employer's full support. right before penny was born we did a week long trial to make sure everything went smoothly. it did. this way we could keep adelynn in the daycare we love, with the stimulation she needs, with the people she knows, and penny could be home with me.
upon my return from maternity leave, our world came crashing down. suddenly, my position was no longer needed. shocked is an understatement. i scrambled to find another job, and we put penny in daycare. but it has been an uphill battle ever since. we are flat out drowning financially.
so now. we finally gave in, and are looking at other daycares. heartbroken is an understatement. this is going to be so difficult on adelynn.
it kills me that because of my failure, my girls have to suffer. because i couldn't do it, they don't get to be where they should be, and with whom they should be with. i'll no longer get those happy notifications on my phone with pictures and videos of my smiling girls- laughing, playing, flourishing.
I spent all morning at work crying. I was so emotional after I dropped them off at school, once I started I just couldn't stop. my heart is so heavy.
i've worked so very hard, so hard. for so many years. i just can't seem to win. i'll never stop trying, or working my ass off. but man. i am legit sad.
