ode to daycare.

any working mom knows, daycare is crucial. finding one you like, you trust, you can afford. one that will love your child and nurture them. stimulate them, teach them.

not just someone who sticks a baby in a crib alone all day, or puts the tv on for the toddlers. its so much more than that.

trust and love is so important- finding people you entrust with your mom treasured gifts in life- your kids. this world is so scary and crazy.

adelynn has been at Small Wonders in home daycare since she was a baby- its all she knows. We trust them more than I can say. they truly love our kids. they stimulate and teach them, help them experience things (safely). even after two years my mind is always blown by how amazing they are. they have a Facebook group, and post pictures/videos all day long. Its my favorite when my phone notifies me they've posted- to check in and see what my girls are up to.

we knew before we even started trying for penny, that we realistically couldn't afford two in daycare. so, we planned. i worked my ass off with my employer at the time to create an at home job for myself. joey put together a home office for me. everything was in place. i had my employer's full support. right before penny was born we did a week long trial to make sure everything went smoothly. it did. this way we could keep adelynn in the daycare we love, with the stimulation she needs, with the people she knows, and penny could be home with me.

upon my return from maternity leave, our world came crashing down. suddenly, my position was no longer needed. shocked is an understatement. i scrambled to find another job, and we put penny in daycare. but it has been an uphill battle ever since. we are flat out drowning financially.

so now. we finally gave in, and are looking at other daycares. heartbroken is an understatement.  this is going to be so difficult on adelynn.

it kills me that because of my failure, my girls have to suffer. because i couldn't do it, they don't get to be where they should be, and with whom they should be with. i'll no longer get those happy notifications on my phone with pictures and videos of my smiling girls- laughing, playing, flourishing.

I spent all morning at work crying. I was so emotional after I dropped them off at school, once I started I just couldn't stop. my heart is so heavy.

i've worked so very hard, so hard. for so many years. i just can't seem to win. i'll never stop trying, or working my ass off. but man. i am legit sad.