Mommy pep talk.

rough week. Story of my life.

Feeling really low, and I get the best message I could've hoped for- one I needed without knowing it. An old friend said all the things I needed to hear, and I was crying by the end of it. I read it twice, and twice more today.

For all you mamas that need a pep talk? Soak it in, you need to hear these words:

I read your working mom/daycare post. Girl I want to hug you so hard. I had a terrible day at work. And sometimes I drive home and wonder why I torture myself. I want to be home with Baby more than anyone (ok exaggerating!). The way only other working moms can understand. Then I remember all of the financial responsibilities I have that lead to Baby and that give Baby the quality of life I want him to have. I don't find this materialistic. I think providing a home in a safe neighborhood with decent schools and a backyard to play with a dog are pretty basic "material" items that my son shouldn't go without. This as you know comes with an enormous amount of guilt. I sacrifice his time with me to provide him with the American Dream. So he can grow up happy. I think there are many advantages to Baby being in daycare. He learns and experiences new things with kids his age, he's learned early on to share and while mommy loves him she can't always be there. I think these are important things. If I've learned anything this last year it's - Don't let people judge you!! Not worth it's! I have enough guilt without anyone else's help! 

There are four of me. There's Mom Me ,Wife Me, Work/Team Leader Me and then there's just plain Me.  Learning to balance all of my sides is hard.  I feel like if I can excel in one than lacking in the others occasionally is ok. But days like today. Where baby was stuck at daycare for hours (his teacher's shift started after he got there and ended before I picked him up!), Hubs goes virtually ignored. No more sweet I'm thinking about you texts. My day has started and finished before I realize I spent hours working and there are still hours ahead of me. When I blow it so terribly at work I'm not only angry and upset I'm embarrassed. When I get home and console myself with a beer and chips and dip instead of sticking to the diet I should be on to lose 45 pounds. So I can be healthy for me, for Hubs and for Baby. Days like today where I failed at being all 4 of me. These are the hard days. The there's nothing I can do to do it right days. The damage is done at work. No amount of Baby snuggles last beyond his bed time, no amount of Hubs hugs last longer than his embrace. No amount of beer or dip really make me feel better. These are the days I struggle and I struggle hard.   

I'm going to put on my favorite I'm feeling down and out and like I've failed as a mom, a wife, a boss and just at being me.  I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs that I have the eye of the tiger, a fighter dancing through fire. Cause you're going to hear me roar! Im going too remind myself that life is hard and the amazing experiences come to those who work for them. I'm 29!!! I've been happily (not without challenge) married for 7 years!!! I own a beautiful home in an adorable town. I have a wonderfully sweet amazing little boy who loves me hard and loves Daddy hard regardless of the fact he's in daycare. I am a girl boss! I manage a team of 11 employees many of who are significantly older than me! I am a tiger!!!  Yell it girl!!! Scream it at the top of your lungs!!! Remind yourself of everything you've accomplished! You are a tiger! A fighter!!!!

Daycare is so hard girl - easily the hardest decisions I've made as a mom all come full circles to daycare one way or another. Making decisions that are financially prudent are hard but just because they're hard decisions doesn't mean they're wrong. You are a beautiful loving intelligent momma and wife. I know you don't make snap decisions. You've thought long and hard about this.  You know in your heart that you're doing what you need to do. Your girls and Joey will love you always. Regardless. So hang tight love! You are amazing. Don't forget it!   When Roar doesn't work, don't forget Army wives for life -love ya Sister!

ode to daycare.

any working mom knows, daycare is crucial. finding one you like, you trust, you can afford. one that will love your child and nurture them. stimulate them, teach them.

not just someone who sticks a baby in a crib alone all day, or puts the tv on for the toddlers. its so much more than that.

trust and love is so important- finding people you entrust with your mom treasured gifts in life- your kids. this world is so scary and crazy.

adelynn has been at Small Wonders in home daycare since she was a baby- its all she knows. We trust them more than I can say. they truly love our kids. they stimulate and teach them, help them experience things (safely). even after two years my mind is always blown by how amazing they are. they have a Facebook group, and post pictures/videos all day long. Its my favorite when my phone notifies me they've posted- to check in and see what my girls are up to.

we knew before we even started trying for penny, that we realistically couldn't afford two in daycare. so, we planned. i worked my ass off with my employer at the time to create an at home job for myself. joey put together a home office for me. everything was in place. i had my employer's full support. right before penny was born we did a week long trial to make sure everything went smoothly. it did. this way we could keep adelynn in the daycare we love, with the stimulation she needs, with the people she knows, and penny could be home with me.

upon my return from maternity leave, our world came crashing down. suddenly, my position was no longer needed. shocked is an understatement. i scrambled to find another job, and we put penny in daycare. but it has been an uphill battle ever since. we are flat out drowning financially.

so now. we finally gave in, and are looking at other daycares. heartbroken is an understatement.  this is going to be so difficult on adelynn.

it kills me that because of my failure, my girls have to suffer. because i couldn't do it, they don't get to be where they should be, and with whom they should be with. i'll no longer get those happy notifications on my phone with pictures and videos of my smiling girls- laughing, playing, flourishing.

I spent all morning at work crying. I was so emotional after I dropped them off at school, once I started I just couldn't stop. my heart is so heavy.

i've worked so very hard, so hard. for so many years. i just can't seem to win. i'll never stop trying, or working my ass off. but man. i am legit sad.

so unperfect.

i was a bad mom today.

and to know it, is the worst feeling in the world.

slow your roll reader, its not like i beat my kid or something today. no no.

i was impatient today. my three year old has been sick since Friday- we missed out on a lot of family time and important events. relatives were in town we haven't seen in forever. i was upset. but i kept telling myself ' its not her fault'. i mean poor baby, she was throwing up! so we've been house bound most of the weekend. she hasn't thrown up in well over 24 hours though and seems to want to eat, so i think shes okay ( now daddy has it).

but i was tired today. and impatient. she wanted to play, and i wanted to lay on the couch. she fought me at bedtime, and i yelled at her. not like screamed, just yelled. but i hardly ever raise my voice to her. i saw the look on her face and i was still so mad i didn't even care. i went downstairs and not even 2 minutes later the mom guilt washed over me. i felt like a piece of shit.

i walked upstairs and held her, i told her i was sorry for yelling at her and made sure she understood. she pointed to the canvas above her bed of me,her, and daddy and said " mommys happy."

ya'll, it broke my heart.

i kissed her and hugged her and said " yes, mommy IS happy. i love you so much" and she smiled and snuggled in to me and said " mommy is happy, daddy is happy, i'm happy".

heart.shattered.

i've been in such a deep depression the last several months. and i still see my sweet baby as just that: a baby. i realized tonight, she sees things. she notices when we're happy, mad, or sad.

she saw me crying yesterday and said " mommy, whats wrong? you're sad?"

this weekend has been a mom fail for me all around. and it has affected me in a huge way realizing she is seeing more than i thought she was.

for the most part, i am SO MUCH BETTER than i've been in months. really i am. i guess this weekend was just an off weekend, i was just overwhelmed/tired/stressed. i'm not really sure. but that darkness started creeping back in.

and i really want to refuse to let it back in. especially after this realization with my sweet boog.

i feel like a terrible mother right now. i'm gonna wallow in it tonight. and tomorrow, is a new day. i'm determined to step up and be better for my kids, and really for me too.

two steps forward, three steps back.

things were getting better. today is an 'off' day. i'm in the dark place again.

i wish i could help someone who has never experienced depression, understand what its like.

every single morning, i wake up- and wonder how the day will go. i try to pump myself up, be positive and cheery. but most days, it is literally moment by moment. each moment i over analyze my emotions and reactions. each moment i coach myself to over come whatever is in front of me.

it could be something as simple as a text from someone. it upsets me. so i leave it in my inbox, and look at it probably 15 times trying to decide if my feelings are warranted and true, or if i'm being emotional and taking it the wrong way. seriously. something THAT small. i have to work through each and every moment through out the day.

my first therapy session went well- i came out of it knowing what my issues were- shit, i went in to it knowing what my issues are. i have no problem recognizing the problem, self diagnosing. its the whole, working through it/getting better i have trouble with. my coping skills = bad. duh, obviously. my new mantra (according to the therapist) is 'fake it till you make it'. basically tricking myself in to being happy, and sane again.

i just want some peace.

today, i think, is difficult- because i didn't sleep last night. i was wide awake till almost midnight, got up at 3:30 with the baby- then boog was wide awake so i finally gave in and put her in our bed- but then she wanted to be chatty. then woke up at 6:45...tired. oh, and joey left for the weekend. he went camping with some friends, left this morning and wont be back till sometime sunday afternoon. i've known about it for at least a month, so i've been preparing myself for it-- yes, i have to prepare myself for shit like that. i don't do well with last minute stuff, so he smartly (is that a word? no?) planned this and told me about it well in advance. he knows his wife's kinda crazy.

i digress.

so i didn't sleep, he's gone. i ended up being off work today, but have nothing to do- everyone is at work and (surprise surprise) i have no money to go do anything anyway. i'm already feeling lonely, and he's only been gone 3 hours. pathetic. the weekend feels impossible to me, daunting really. i can already tell its going to go slowly. i'm sitting here, crying, because i feel so overwhelmed- already.

ridiculous.

what is even more frustrating- is i'm sitting here, self diagnosing, addressing what the problem is, knowing how ridiculous it is-- but i'm still crying. i still have anxiety.

its just exhausting being in my own head right now ya'll.

i was planning to get my hair done tomorrow- the little things ladies, they excite me. two hours to make myself feel pretty, and have some 'me' time. i had already cancelled once- i've been trying to get to this dang appointment since february. i literally get my hair done, maybe twice a year- so its a big deal to me. my sitter fell through, so all morning i've been trying to find someone who can watch the girls while i go. nada. everyone is out of town, or busy.

so now that i've really worked myself up, i'm gonna cry this out- try to dry my tears. and carry on. the house ain't gonna clean itself.

God & I.

God and I have a weird relationship. I would say most of my life, that relationship has been pretty non existent.

I was raised in the Methodist church, and we went to church weekly. I even went to Youth group on Wednesday and Sunday nights, but honestly it was to socialize.

In college, I went to a Methodist private school, but not because it was a Christian school. I just loved the area, the campus, the feel of it. (it was pretty amazing.)

After getting married, I enrolled in RCIA to learn about the Catholic faith, since I married in to a Catholic family. I felt very inspired and moved throughout the classes, and decided to convert. I wanted to be the same as my husband and future kiddos.

For the first year after converting, I was passionate and motivated. I don't remember what changed, but it changed. My husband and I started dreading going to church, we lacked the motivation or desire. Then we had our three year old and just about everything got put on the back burner while I struggled through post partum depression, and we tried figuring out this whole parenting thing. After that, the excuses were we didn't want to take the baby, but also didn't want to leave her in the nursery. We were tired from life with a newborn. We hadn't found a church we really felt at home at, or enjoyed going to. All of those were legitimate, but they were excuses too.

So fast forward to now. It has been a good three years, or more, since we went to church regularly. We wanted to go to a church we felt at home at, and we wanted to go to church because we WANTED to. Not out of obligation.

Some friends of ours, Kendall & Joey, had invited us to their church numerous times but we always gave a reason we couldn't. We just had no motivation, we just weren't interested. They never pressured or judged, but left the invitation open. I would see them post about 12Stone on Facebook and it would make me stop and think for a minute...but then I'd just keep scrolling.

I believe in God, I always have. I've just never 'felt' the Holy Spirit, or felt like God was speaking to me, or even like he was listening to me. I did my fair share of praying and just never felt heard. I started to doubt if I was even a Christian anymore, and it was a weird feeling.

The moment I KNEW I was still a Christian, was after Penny was born. We started talking about her baptism and I felt this urgency to have her baptized. That is how I know, I still believe in God. I'm still a Christian-- just haven't been a very good one lately. Well, I don't even want to accuse myself of that. Its not that I hadn't been a good one, its that I lost my way. There was no fire, no motivation, no faith really.

Joey came to me a few weeks ago and said he really wanted to get back in to church. I wasn't jumping for joy, but I knew he was right and I also wanted to support HIM. Its not all about me ya'll. So we finally decided to take Kendall and Joey up on their invitation to 12Stone. I was anxious, nervous, dreading it. We went.....and loved it. It was hands down the best church experience either of us have had in YEARS. For me personally, maybe EVER. It just felt right.

However this didn't make me Captain Christian over night. I can't tell ya the last time I prayed. and honestly, sitting in church this past weekend- I enjoyed it, but in my mind I had a little inner monologue going. Basically, I'm just angry with God.

The past several months have torn me down as a whole. I'm struggling, daily. All day every day. and I'm mad at God. I'm not praying, I roll my eyes, and just...feel let down.

So I'm going to keep going to church, and try to light a fire in my heart. Try to start praying again. It is definitely going to take some time, and some work on my part. I feel awkward praying, especially if it is out loud. I'm sad to say I don't think Joey and I have ever prayed together. I always hear about how important it is to pray with your spouse, how it can nurture your marriage- but it honestly gives me anxiety and makes me feel awkward just thinking about it. I have NO idea why.

I'm very very lost, but I still believe. I'm thankful we have two friends who are a good example of what a Christian is. I'm also really glad we've finally found a home church. 12Stone is  pretty amazing. We finally set up a dedication for Penny with them, and I'm really glad we got it on the books-- we decided to ask Kendall & Joey to be her Godparents, since we really give them credit for getting us back to church, and taking us under their wing.

We will see where this little journey takes me. It will definitely definitely take work on my part. God and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye right now. I really need my life to turn around, so I'm hoping He'll help me with that. I need peace like you wouldn't believe.

Bruce Jenner

This is what I think about Bruce Jenner:

What he does with his life doesn't affect me or my family. I think what he did was brave. GOOD FOR HIM.

One thing that I could relate to as I was watching the interview, was the inner turmoil, pain, depression, and hopelessness.

I deal with all of those same issues, though it may be for different reasons.

For him to live 60 years that way is heartbreaking to me. Good for him to have the courage to take his life back, and do what is necessary to be happy and whole. To be at peace.

I've always considered myself accepting and open minded with MOST things- I'm not perfect. But I believe everyone should live their life in a way that makes them happy, in a way that is real. Love whomever they love- because you truly can't choose who you fall in love with.

Am I a Christian? Yep. Despite what the bible may say on subjects like these... Wait for it.... Might make ya mad...

The bible is wrong. The bible is old! Well okay calm down- it's not wrong. It was maybe right for that time period. For the way the world was then.

It was written a VERY long time ago in a world that was much different than it is today.

I think people need to have the freedom to be themselves- however they may have been born or raised.

It doesn't affect me or you. So who cares? Let them live, just like you get to live YOUR life.

Cheers to you Bruce, can't wait to "meet" Her.

The perfect day.

Perfect day? What would that look like for this lady... Fun to ponder on.

24 hours. Starting the night before: a good, hard SLEEP.

Wake up around 8am, enjoy coffee in bed- slow movin mornin.

Meet one of my girlfriends for mani/pedi.

Sushi lunch

Hour long massage

Facial

Movie date with my guy.

Mall trip for a shopping scavenger hunt of the following:

- Apple watch

- Sephora spree 

- books , lots of books

- patio furniture

- rocking chairs

- clothes

- coffee grinder

-organic coffee beans

- jewelry

Then I'd hop online and splurge on oils and Younique, along with some etsy finds.

Next I'd go home with all my loot and take a three hour nap. While napping someone would replace our kitchen floor, living room carpet, my mariner with a fully loaded mini van, and re pour our patio.

Ending the day with dinner at the pool with husband and kiddos.

Oh and maybe a hot bath, then another good nights sleep.

That's not too much to ask... Right?

Guess I need to start playing the lottery!