According to the Mayo Clinic:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/postpartum-depression/DS00546/
"The birth of a baby can trigger a jumble of powerful emotions, from excitement and joy to fear and anxiety. But it can also result in something you might not expect — depression.
Many new moms experience the baby blues after childbirth, which commonly include mood swings and crying spells and fade quickly. But some new moms experience a more severe, long-lasting form of depression known as postpartum depression. Rarely, an extreme form of postpartum depression known as postpartum psychosis develops after childbirth.
Postpartum depression isn't a character flaw or a weakness. Sometimes postpartum depression is simply a complication of giving birth. If you have postpartum depression, prompt treatment can help you manage your symptoms — and enjoy your baby."
yep. the big bad taboo of PostPartum Depression. PPD is something I'd heard about, knew about, but never gave much thought to. I knew a couple women in my family had had it, but I was never really concerned about myself. I knew I'd have the typical baby blues of my hormones being all jacked up, sleep deprived, overwhelmed just like any other Mommy. But my entire birth experience, and recovery was not at all what I expected or prepared for.
It all started in the hospital, but I didnt even realize it until looking back now. Due to mine and Adelynn's infections- we were separated from the start. They whisked her away to NICU and I didnt get to see her until the following afternoon. She is what motivated me to get up and walk ASAP, because I couldnt get out of the bed and go see her until I did. I remember seeing her in NICU for the first time...it was surreal. I didnt know WHAT I was feeling but I do remember being so excited to finally see her. Unfortunately... the first time I saw her Joey had to wheel me down in a wheel chair because I was feeling so nauseous. When I finally got to hold her, I quickly handed her back to Joey and leaned over to the nearest trash can to throw up. I was so embarrassed- especially doing it in NICU around all these tiny babies, I apologized over and over- Joey was holding my hair, and I just started crying. I remember talking to Claire in the hallway telling her how scared I was that Adelynn would have no idea who her Mommy was. Remembering it now brings tears to my eyes. Such an awful feeling.
Joey & I went to see her often through out the day everyday/night, fed her, changed diapers, etc- but I still felt like I have no clue what I was doing, and that she had no idea who I was. I was not allowed to breast feed because of my infection, and all the antibiotics they were pumping me full of. I tried pumping in the hospital but never got a drop-- they think the infection and/or antibiotics dried me up. I think that had a lot to do with the lack of bond with her and I.
The day we were to get discharged, about an hour before we left- the NICU nurse surprised us and brought Adelynn in to my room, where she could stay with us until we left. I remember being so excited seeing her come through the door- they wheeled her up to my bed side and as soon as I laid eyes on her, I panicked. At this point, this was all internal- I didnt voice one worry out loud. I felt guilty for being anything BUT excited, I was ashamed and didnt want anyone to know what I was feeling.
(You can see here how dazed I was, blank expression-not even looking at the baby...or camera)
The reality that we were going home within an hour was a shock to my system. I was ready to go home, but had no idea what to expect. The feelings of joy, happiness, excitement that I EXPECTED to feel just weren't there. I'd wanted this baby so badly, been waiting for so long- so why did I feel this way? Weeks later having a convo with SILs, MIL, my mom,etc-- apparently they all saw/noticed and were worried about me, but never said a word until I brought it up myself.
The first night home was rough. I was exhausted and sore from my section- my incision was infected, I was still on all kinds of antibiotics, and on top of that: we had a baby! I had no clue what to do, she hadn't been in the room with us, NICU had done practically everything. I was drawing a blank. I didn't eat dinner that night cause I was so sick to my stomach. We got ready for bed and stuck her in the cosleeper- and thus started the longest night ever. She was screaming crying and we could not figure out why. I tried EVERYTHING. I was trying so hard to handle it myself- I'd told Joey months before that while I was on maternity leave I would do night feedings,etc. since he went back to work right away. At one point he came out there to help me but we were both at a loss of what to do. It was a long, emotional night. I remember being stuck on the couch around 3am- I was holding her, and I couldn't get myself up off the couch because I was so tender. I just sat there crying, feeling helpless, and feeling like THE worst mother ever.
Joeys Mom and my Mom had decided (to my request) weeks before that they would help me out that first week while I recovered. His mom came over first thing in the morning our first full day home- while Joey went back to work. As soon as she walked in the door, I handed her the baby and disappeared in to the guest room. (the bed was lower so it was easier for me with my incision, to get in/out) I literally laid in the guest bed, under the covers, crying and sleeping all day long. I didn't talk to anyone, touch the baby, eat, nothing. Joey came home and came straight in there and I just started crying and apologizing. He kept asking me what I was apologizing for and I told him I was sorry for not being able to breastfeed like we planned, sorry for hiding out in the room all day and leaving his mom with the baby...and I was most of all sorry for the thoughts bouncing around in my head.
This is when I finally voiced everything I was feeling: I didnt feel like myself, I didnt feel a bond with Adelynn- how could I have carried her around for 9 months and look at her and feel like shes not mine? How I felt like an awful Mother, how being around her made me anxious/gave me panic attacks, how I didnt want to hold her, I wanted nothing to do with her, I wanted to run away. I wanted to RUN.AWAY. What an awful person I must be. I had an extreme amount of guilt but could not help the thoughts and feelings I had. PPD didnt even cross my mind, I seriously thought that I was just a messed up horrible person. I couldnt eat, I could hardly sleep, I cried, had panic attacks- when I WOULD eat, it would come right back up. I was in rough shape. Joey hugged me, kissed me, and told me I was a great Mother and he wasn't mad at me and that I didn't need to apologize.
I will NEVER forget, as long as I live, just how amazing he was that first week. Him, my MIL, and my Mom. I could not have gotten through that week without the three of them. They were so caring, understanding, non judgmental, did anything/everything I needed or asked. My mom and his mom even spent the night a few times that first week- to help out at night with feedings because Joey had to go to work, and me even being near the baby much less holding her made me fall to pieces. (it was AWFUL).
I didn't want anyone to know what was going on- I stayed off of Facebook, ignored calls/texts/emails. People were dying to come visit and I just wasn't ready- I didnt want anyone to see me like that. I was so ashamed. When people would come over unannounced I would hide in my bedroom and let Joey or one of our Moms handle it. It was THAT bad. My cousin and my friend Brittany came over one day- I wasn't necessarily ready but Britt was bringing food from work, and my cousin had asked a few times so I finally said okay- my mom was there and just told me "if you get upset or anxious, just leave the room- I'll handle it". I was so nervous. They came over and I didnt move from the couch, I just sat there frozen with a blank stare plastered on my face. They held the baby and when they tried to give her to me, my mom would take her- I didnt want to touch her.
(First picture of me holding Adelynn at home, first one I let my mom take- and I remember telling her not to get me in it. This is one of the first days home, when my mom was trying to give me some tough love and MAKE me hold her. I remember being so uncomfortable and nervous- as soon as she snapped the picture I handed her back to my mom. How sad. You can see baby girl staring at me and it breaks my heart that at that time, I didnt even want to hold her. Its amazing to me now how much I adore her. It makes me so sad that I won't get that time back, its a guilt I still deal with)
3 days later I still couldnt keep any food down. Joey would beg me to eat and tell me how worried he was about me- I told him I wasnt doing it on purpose, I just couldnt eat. the best I could do was sip on water throughout the day, but I wasnt even drinking one 8 oz bottle in a 24 hour period. It was bad. and I just cried, all the time. Joey would come home and I wanted him all to myself- I needed him then, I just needed him near me all the time, always touching me- I've never been SO dependent on him,ever. We'd lay in bed at night and he would just hold me, and I would cry and cry. We had my cousins come over to do her newborn pictures and I had no interest in being in any of them- the few that I am in, you can see I've got the fakest smile,ever.
(you can see how Joey is genuinely happy- and how fake my smile is)
When I finally went to the doctor for my follow up, Joey met me there- he did all the talking. I just sat on the table staring at the ceiling, crying silently. Joey told the doctor everything that was going on with me and she immediately whipped out her Rx pad to write me an Rx for zoloft. I'd never taken it before, and honestly I remember thinking I didnt have high hopes for it working- I truly felt like this was all me, and I was just an awful person and Mother. But honestly, 2 days after taking it? It was like I woke up and I was myself again- light a switch had been flipped. AMAZING.
I still had some trouble keeping food down and getting my appetite back; but by the beginning of the 2nd week I was on a roll with Mommy-hood. I had Joey's Mom come over the first two days but I told her that I wanted her there for back up. I wanted to use that time to LEARN to be a mommy and do everything I should've been doing from day one. By Wends. that week I was officially alone and on my own- and it was fine! I was still a little scared of being alone but mentally I was 100% fine and fell hard in love with my sweet girl. We finally let people start coming over, I started taking more & more pictures, getting on FB, etc. It was finally becoming our new normal.
What a crazy first week that was though. And again- I hate that I will never ever get that time back, I still have so much guilt over it- BUT I KNOW its not my fault. PPD is a Chemical Imbalance that stems from all kinds of things. I know it wasnt ME. that was NOT me. Adelynn was always taken care of and I knew that- so I focused on taking care of myself and getting my head right that first week. It was a very rocky start to mommy hood but I had an amazing support system, and the will to get better. I was told by my doctor I had to stay on the medication for at LEAST three months; if I got off sooner I had a very good chance of relapse. I'm still on it right now, I stayed on a bit longer than the 3 months because I'm SO scared of relapse. But Ive just started weaning myself off by taking half a pill a day, and eventually every other day, and so on.
I just hope that if someone out there is going through this they understand- it is NOT your fault. So many people told me this while I was going through it, and I just didn't believe them. I felt like an awful person, so hopeless and lost. But now that I am clear headed and can look back, I understand it was something I had no control over, it wasn't my fault, and its something that happens to a lot of new mommies. Now in the future, with baby #2 I'll know to be on the look out for it and so will my doctor- it'll be something we can put a stop to/fix immediately.
I'm just so thankful I had the support system that I had- I would not have been able to get through it without them. And most importantly- they took care of my baby girl, which I will always be grateful for. Now? now I'm a new mommy obsessed with her baby girl and can't imagine loving anything or anyone as much as I do her! :)
