i keep telling myself that, a lot lately. my mind is full, my body exhausted. my heart aches. there is so much going on right now i wouldn't even know where to start, even if i COULD discuss everything-which i can't. i feel burnt out, overwhelmed, and mainly--tired.
along with these unspoken things, theres everyday life. working full time- i start my day at 5am. working with patients every day i try my best to always be smiling, always be helpful and polite. you gotta have thick skin though, in any patient based or customer service job-- or you'll get eaten alive. i know this, but it doesn't make it easier. people are always looking for someone to blame, thats just the truth. after working i rush home to start my other job: mommy and wife. i either pick up baby, play with her/get dinner ready for when joey gets home. OR (what i've been doing lately) go straight home to sit and breath for a bit before joey gets home with baby. sometimes i feel guilty about this- i'm constantly complaining about not having more time with my girl. other times i don't feel guilty- because shes napping late at daycare and is still asleep. but the guilty part far out weighs the rare occasions she is still sleeping. i am constantly struggling to find the balance of a working mother- and almost a year in to it, i've yet to figure it out. if i'm good at one thing, the other suffers.
and i'm exhausted.
seriously, have i mentioned i'm tired? i want to go to the doctor to get checked out- the constant fatigue is a little much, and i just want to look in to it. maybe its nothing, maybe its life. but i don't remember ever being this tired. when i was pregnant, when i had a newborn, nada. the sad thing is, i don't have health insurance. i can't afford to pay out of pocket, i can't afford insurance, and i make too much for Medicaid. funny how that little cycle works huh? i haven't had insurance in almost 5 years. amazing. it is so frustrating to want to go to the doctor, and not be able to.
this lack of insurance also plays a part in baby #2. i always joke that my baby fever never went away, and seriously...it never did. i love being a mommy. with no insurance...how the heck would we ever manage that? not to mention, we can't afford daycare for two. which leads in to me being a SAHM and not having to worry about the cost of daycare...well, can't afford that either. so if i worked...id be working to pay for daycare, plus probably hit negative numbers- as in, it would COST us money for me to work. this dream of being a SAHM? i've been so determined, so focused on achieving that goal. and a year later- i'm discouraged. big time. i feel like i have literally done everything i can to make that happen, and had no results. i'm so hard headed, stubborn, determined- i get something in my head, and get tunnel vision until it happens.
this one has stumped me, big time. and its heartbreaking. joey is doing everything he can to provide for our family-- he works over time every single day, every weekend. he's applied to go back to school, which after completing will bring amazing things to our family. he's busting his ass, and i know in the end it'll all be worth it, we just have to be patient.
these "things i can't discuss" are taking a toll. heartbreaking, frustrating, angering, just overall emotional. i'm sitting here staring at the screen, theres so much i could say....but i can't.
all i know is, i'll keep fighting, keep working, keep moving forward. i will continue doing everything i can to provide for my family, to be the best mommy and wife i can, to not fall apart and just keep moving. it seems like my entire life has been challenge after challenge, and in weak moments i want to ask God 'why??'...i'm tired. i'm tired of fighting so hard. sometimes i wish i didn't care so much because surely it would be easier? but thats not me, thats not who i am. so i keep fighting.
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