drunken confessions

let me start off my by saying ive been drinking wine since...10ish? i think...and its now 1am. so forgive my ramblings but i felt the need

1. i realized my nose is long,crooked and ew.....ew!

2. this house thing is stressing me out and im exhausted! its too much for one person. i went from excited to stressed...im tryin to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel and know this is a blessing.

3. i have...an extreme amount of guilt about my grandmother.
when my grand-daddy died i was in...7th grade? i dont remember a thing. i dont remember how he died,what led up to it, the funeral-nothing.
my grandmother died a year ago. i grew up next door to them,they were like second parents to me. after my grand daddy died i distanced myself. and my grandmother started going downhill. i swear of a broken heart...
when i went off to college in 05 i never came home. ever. mostly because i knew it was only a matter of time before my parents got divorced--but when i DID come home...i never went to see my grandmother. i activley avoided her. how horrible is that? she lived RIGHT next door.
when she went into a nursing home i saw her maybe 3-4 times,and only bc my mom made me (keep in mind this was my DADS mom and my parents were divorced by now)--when she made me go i hated it. it was so hard seeing her like that. she wasnt herself, her mind was going, she NEVER knew who i was and it broke my heart-i cried everytime. and she looked so miserable.
when she went into hospice before she died it hit me--so i went to see her. alot. as hard as it was i went. i had just started a new job (at emory) so was busy but i went up there as often as i could,it was SO crucial to me that she didnt die alone. the night before she died i went to go see her, and i just sat there talking to her. telling her i loved her, telling her about joey and how i wish she couldve met him, spent alot of time crying...most of the time i sat there and watched her breathe. a few times i was scared she was dying right there in front of me. i went to get a nurse a few times. one nurse in particular was nice,and filled me in on the process of dying and how i would know she was gone,ect and even gave me a book on it. i was so nervous the entire time.
she hadnt recognized me in a long time. that night i felt like she knew who i was. at one point she moved her head over, looked me right in the eye and a single tear rolled down her face.
the next morning i was at work and my dad called me,telling me she passed. i was standing in a hallway and just sat down crying. sobbing-LOUD. i couldnt keep it in. my mom and i were carpooling at the time so she came and got me. she asked me where i wanted to go and i said to my dads--he wasnt home.
so i had my mom drive me to the hospice center. i went in,crying, and asked the nurse about my grandmother. theyd already moved her body and cleared out her room-ALREADY. i asked her if she was alone when she went...and she said yes.
it broke my heart.

since then ive had an extreme amount of guilt. guilt ive hidden for a long time, ignored. guilt that i didnt go see her more and treasure the time she had left. guilt that i wasnt a better grand daughter after how close we were when i grew up.and in her final days. and now? im moving in to her house. im the one going through her things--and its so hard. i dont feel like i deserve to live there. i wronged her by not soaking up every moment with her.
my mom keeps telling me my grandparents would be happy, honored that the house was staying in our family (for now) and joey and i were starting our married life there. i try to keep that in mind. its just hard.
i wish i could go back and change things but i cant. so how do i fix it? how do i get rid of the guilt?

this probably makes no sense....i just needed to get it out.