granny.

Jackie Robinson Hill

but I just know her as, Granny.

I have always been my granny's "Kelly Girl", and every time she would call me that, it made me smile, made me feel special. Even as an adult, I loved walking in to her house and saying "hey yall!" and granny would smile and say " hey Kelly girl!" every single time. I started calling my youngest "Penny girl" after she was born, it came so naturally, and makes me think of my granny every single time I say it.

My granny is silly yall. I remember as a teenager, we'd all be riding in the car to dinner and I would be in the back seat with her, and she would just drive me crazy! my mom and my paw paw were always saying "granny, leave Kelly alone! stop picking at her!" she just loved to mess with me and irritate me, almost like she was my sister instead of my grandmother.
Growing up, we went to dinner with granny and paw paw weekly. Spent time at the lake. Had lots of sleep overs with my cousins, binge eating paw paw's nutty buddy bars, and watching Jerry Springer on tv with granny. She would sing us stories like 'the burglar man' and we'd laugh at her silly voices and beg her to sing it again. I loved shopping dates with just her ,my mom, and I. The three of us drove each other crazy, but we love each other so much we just kept going back for more. Granny and my mom have always been so much more than a mother and grandmother to me, they are my best friends.I see so much of myself in each of them, and years ago I would have seen that as a bad thing, but now I smile and thank God.

Thinking about her this morning I realized I'm a lot like her:

- we both married men in the military
- we both love sparkly jewelry, REAL jewelry-specifically rings
- we both love reading books
-we hate window shopping, let us spend all the money and buy all the things!
- she always had a camera in our face, snapping pictures-we hated it! but now I'm the one doing the picture taking, snapping candids, and capturing memories.
- she was so sensitive, it was easy to hurt her feelings...have you met ME?
- she was sweet, loving, and so silly- but feisty too- make her mad? watch out, thats me to a tee.
- Joey calls me a hoarder, I keep anything and everything I deem a memory: from a napkin to our wedding, down to a receipt from a dinner in Germany. THAT is my granny.
- she always called me her kelly-girl, and I call my littlest penny-girl.

My granny never judged me, never turned her back on me. covered in tattoos, dropping out of college, her and paw paw welcomed me in to their home with out a second thought. They never hesitated to take me in. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, but they made sure I had somewhere to eat and sleep. I called her often just to chat on the phone, vent. she would listen, give me advice, and just made sure I knew I was loved. I always felt free to tell her anything with out fear of judgment, or getting in to trouble. I'll never forget the first time she caught me smoking a cigarette when I was in college, I begged her not to tell my mom, and she said "well, ok. but give me a puff!"

I have the honor of wearing the diamond from her engagement ring, in my engagement ring.It means so much more to me than I think she ever knew-- I would joke growing up that that was "my diamond", and my mom and I would play fight over it. It was never about the diamond- I mean don't get me wrong, it is beautiful. I love having a piece of her and my paw paw's love story. Whenever I would see her she'd say "let me see my diamond, hows it doing?"
Their marriage is one for the books. They so clearly loved each other. I always saw my paw paw as a tough man, but when it came to her, he was soft. She stood by his side through this crazy life. She never wavered in her love and support for him. Their marriage is the perfect example of what I pray for in my own marriage. 60 years of marriage, they knew what they were doin'.


I am so thankful I spent her last few days here on earth with her, by her side. Those memories are some I know I will never forget.
See, hospitals, nursing homes, funerals, viewings--- all of the above and everything in between- always scared me, gave me anxiety. This was different. I couldn't leave her side. I had to be there. Even when we knew it was that time, I was rooted to her bedside- my right hand over her heart, and my left holding hers. It was a surreal experience to see her slip away from here to Heaven, and one that truly shook me to my core. Even after she passed, I just sat there, staring at her. Stroking her hand, and praying over her. When it came time to leave the hospice center I had to go back in, one last time, and tell her I love her.

Today is my mom's birthday. We spent today at the funeral home with her brothers and my paw paw setting up all the funeral details. Writing an obituary. Picking caskets, flowers, and everything involved in a funeral. My mom and I went shopping to find a blue night gown for my granny, that was what she asked to be buried in- I think we found the perfect one.
The whole experience, going through these motions, is necessary for me. I didn't even ask (luckily my uncles didn't seem to mind) I just had to be there. I wanted to be with my mom. I wanted to be involved. My paw paw looked at me before we left and said "I love you so much, thank you for being here and helping".

Now I find myself at home, and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so foggy and confused. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm calm, the next angry, but mostly just devastatingly sad.
 I was out this morning going to buy my mom's birthday gift, and was texting with my friend Maria....little did I know, she was in that same store texting me. She found me in the parking lot and I was so surprised to see her--- I'm pretty sure I hugged her three or four times while we stood there talking. I poured my guts out right there in the parking lot to her,talking a mile a minute, with my mind all over the place. Un-showered, yesterday's smudged makeup, lookin' a hot mess of crazy. I was explaining to her how sad I feel, a sadness I have seriously never experience before, ever. She knows, she gets it- cause she's been there. Thank God for sending her to me this morning, I needed a hug so bad. At that point in the day I hadn't seen anyone so there was no one to hug.

I don't know how to get through the next few days, her funeral is day after tomorrow. I hate when people see me cry, and I know a lot of folks will see it Sunday. The tears seem to come suddenly, and out of the blue.

I hurt so bad right now.

I  miss her so much it hurts. I know this is part of life but that doesn't mean its easy. I know shes smiling down on us right now, and probably mad that I told on her for smoking.

I feel lucky that God gave me such a one of a kind grandmother, my granny. She is unlike anyone I've ever known, even when she drove me crazy- i loved her like crazy.

so that i don't forget these moments.

my granny isn't doing well.

she has been in a hospice facility since Monday, and the plan was to take her  yesterday to my uncle's house in Griffin so they could take care of her. i came up here yesterday to spend time with her before she went, because i knew i wouldn't see her as much, if at all, once she was over an hour away. i spent all day and night with her, just holding her hand. she ended up getting worse throughout the day, so they cancelled plans to move her- and she is now staying here.

i went to her house to see her last Thursday, and she knew who i was. when i saw her Monday, she knew who i was initially but by the time i left she didn't know me. yesterday, she would shake her head 'yes' when i asked if she knew me, but i don't think she really did. she has progressively gotten worse.

at this point we're told, the oxygen they are giving her is what is keeping her here. so they are going to slowly decrease it through out today- all the family is here to be with her.

i will forever be grateful for the time i've gotten to spend with her these last couple days. just her and i alone, staring at each other.

yesterday when i first got here, i knew she didn't know who i was, i asked her what my name was and she just smiled at me. i said 'kelly, i'm your kelly girl' and she said 'your eyes are so pretty, and i love you so much.' 

at one point, i leaned in and whispered in her ear "you're my favorite granny, and i love you so much more than you know" - she smiled and started to whisper so i leaned in and she whispered 'i love you more'. at this point in the day she wasn't recognizing anyone, and wouldn't let us near her, she seemed very afraid. so i asked her 'can i hug you?' she shook her head yes and i wrapped my arms around her, she leaned her head in to my neck. i cried my eyes out. it was such a sweet moment.

today when i got here, she called me betty (my paw paw's sister) and told me how pretty i was. i just smiled and told her i loved her, she said ' i love you too', and i said 'i love you more', to which she replied ' no you dont!'.

it has been such an emotional roller coaster- one minute i feel calm, and at peace. the next i'm falling apart and crying. what an incredibly surreal experience this is. i cannot imagine a life with out my granny in it. selfishly, i don't want her to go. but at this point, i know her body is exhausted. i just pray God covers her in peace and comfort, and there is no pain or fear.

a few minutes ago she looked at me and said 'i don't want to sleep'. i told her she didn't have to sleep if she didn't want to, and she smiled.

a few minutes later, she fell asleep.

all day yesterday i spent holding her hand, and just staring at her. talking to her a little when her eyes were open, and just smiling at her reassuringly. i've tried to step out of the room when i cry, because i don't want her to be upset or sad, i don't want her to feel anything but peace, and love.

i've accepted that this is it, she isn't going to get better. and i don't know how to feel about it right now.

i just love her so much-- i hope she knows how incredibly loved she is by all these people around her, even if she doesn't remember who we are.

can i be a kid again?

i haven't written in a long time, it has been bugging me really. i mean, its been since may. but, i just didn't have anything bursting out of me that i had to write out. on my way home from my grandparents, i knew as soon as i walked in the door i would sit down to write.

it seems i have something to get out in my little blog, when i'm filled with emotion.

my granny isn't doing well, she hasn't been for a little while now. i've had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. denial is my friend. one day i'm totally lost in the sadness i feel, the ache in my heart. another day i'm living in blissful denial thinking she is doing just fine. that is the tricky thing with it, there are good days and bad days.

i've always been close with my granny and pawpaw, and i guess i just always had this kid mentality of them living forever. because i really can't picture life with out either of them. i have a lot of guilt, beating myself up-- i haven't spent enough time with them. my mom would tell me i needed to get over and see them-- and ya'll, i'm off work EVERY friday. i just kept thinking i'd go soon, i'd go tomorrow, next week. i got so wrapped up in running a household, being a wife, a mom, an employee, that seeing my grandparents (among a list of other things) got put on the back burner. and now i feel this urgency, like i'm running out of time. i used to be with them regularly growing up. i loved spending the night over there, shopping with my granny, having dinner every week with them.

i have always been my granny's 'kelly girl', even now as an adult, when she calls me that it makes me fee so special. i'm her kelly girl. i guess thats where 'penny girl' came from. but today, was the first time she didn't know me. she had no idea who i was. she kept asking about my sister (i dont have one), and normally when i say "i love you granny" she'll come right back with a smile and say "i love you too kelly girl"... but today, she didn't. today she just looked at me and said "thank you. thanks for visiting." it made me really sad. i know its a mixture of low oxygen, lack of sleep, and medications. i know she knows me. but it still broke my heart.

i'm an adult. i'm going on 30, have two kids of my own, i'm grown. but i feel so far from it when it comes to this. i feel like a little girl. confused, hurting, worried. i've been trying to lean on God, lean on my faith- but its just hard some times. most times, i just want to allow myself to fall apart and cry. but i'm trying to be strong, be there for my family, and help however i can. but ya'll....i just want to be a kid.

this is part of life, it really is. but it doesn't mean its easy, cause it is far from it. i'm praying God guides me through this so i handle it the best way possible. i pray he gives me comfort and strength so i can step up and be there for my family in every way.

bible study.

my pastor and i would casually talk about me leading a bible study or small group, i would laugh and say " NO way,nope.".... i had zero interest.


then i decided to organize/host a bible study for some ladies, ha. funny right? who am i?

we all picked out a study to do on Mary and Martha- and i have to say, i am loving it. we've met twice now! a small group of girls meeting at my house once a week. i was super nervous about leading but there is a lot less pressure when i'm surrounded by friends!

the first week we stuck to right at an hour long meeting. this week? we went two hours without really noticing, and i dont think anyone seemed to mind! and whoa yall, feelin' all the feels.

i see God working through our group, and touching the lives of all of us- it is a pretty cool thing to witness. this week we laughed a lot, shed some tears, and just really opened up to each other. i saw girls reaching out and helping one another, lots of hugs, lots of prayers. it is just so cool to see-- and i've been thinking about it ever since!

and it was a breakthrough for me personally! yall....i prayed for the first time out loud, in front of people. whooooa. even kendall said 'kelly i've never heard you pray before!' -- it was a big first step for me. i've always had a lot of anxiety about that. our first meeting i flat out said ' i don't want to pray! who wants to pray!?' ha...and then i was kicking myself- cause what kind of leader does that make me? i put this thing together, i needed to step up and lead. and i'm so glad i did. it was scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

but it took me a while. i've been active in my faith for a while now, but still hadn't stepped up to the plate to pray in front of others. baby steps-- i started by praying with my four year old! even that felt weird and scary to me, but after a few weeks i got more comfortable- joey even heard me pray out loud for the first time while putting our little to bed. so, i finally pulled the trigger and stepped up to lead during our bible study. it felt good!

i love seeing how these friendships are forming and growing between these girls. how trusting we are with each other, raw, transparent, and honest. the legitimate love and care we have throughout the group.

amazing things yall. i am literally witnessing God's work-- because i am paying close attention, and being very intentional and dedicated. i'm thankful He put it in my heart to step up and create this space/group/experience for these ladies and i.

serve your spouse.

when people talk about marriage you often hear things like ' put your spouse first' or ' love each other through it'..among many other things.

 i've been married 7 years now (i literally just had to stop and count on my fingers to make sure,ha).

people talk frequently about how to have a great marriage- there are thousands of books on the topic. plenty of folks employed as marriage counselors offering therapy to couples who need it. it is often a topic at church. on pinterest you can find endless amounts of ideas for date nights, gifts for your spouse, quotes on marriage, and so on. it is a popular topic!

as it should be.

my husband and i got married young (21), and had quite the unusual situation. we knew each other in middle/highschool, reconnected via facebook in college- he was stationed in germany with the army, i was here in georgia going to school. spent a total of maybe two months together in the same place, while the rest of our dating relationship took place over the phone. being young + long distance + stresses of deployments = one hot mess express of a relationship! we didn't do things the easy way, and both of us will tell ya that!

over the years i have read many blogs, articles, and books on marriage. we even spent some time in counseling. we've had our ups and downs in the 7 years that we've been married, but i feel like we didn't figure out the key until just a couple months ago.

in my last blog, i said God saved my marriage (me, and my family), and that He used 12stone to do it. i fully believe that.

during the double dog dare series, there was a message on marriage ( see it here ), and the phrase 'serve your spouse' has become our motto ever since. it was like a light bulb went off for us both. serve your spouse, show kindness, show gratitude. it seems pretty simple, and some of you may think "well, duh kelly." but see, going through the craziness of life, throwing a couple kids in to the mix, work, financial stress, and so on-- something so simple and 'duh' can actually become forgotten and/or quite difficult to do.

serve your spouse. i don't necessarily mean like, serve 'em up some food (however, that works). i mean, the little things. let me give you some examples:

- with our work schedules, i do drop off in the mornings for the kids and my husband does pick up. we've always done it that way. for the longest time, i just complained about my mornings. how stressful and frustrating it was. trying to get myself ready, get both kids ready (have you ever tried dressing a three year old who wants to pick out her own outfit-but takes half an hour to do so-, refuses to brush her teeth or hair, or put her shoes on?) grab my coffee, get out the door, get them to school, and finally get myself to work (on time!). i complained, often. one day my husband went in to work later and helped me get the kids ready and in to the car, we left at the same time- it blew my mind, and really started my day off on the right foot. i told him how much i really, really appreciated it. suddenly, he was doing it daily. that was about two months ago, and he still goes in later to help me every single morning. that may not seem like a big deal ya'll, but to me it is.

- i am off work every friday. every single friday-- whaaat? yeah, its awesome. initially i thought i would lay in bed, drink coffee, go get my nails done, hang with friends, meet my mom for lunch, and so on. but guess what? i've never done that! why? i saw it as an opportunity to serve my husband, and really to overall serve my family. i use this day each week to do every single bit of laundry in the house- i start at 7am and it takes me almost all day till about 4 or 5pm. as a load comes out, i fold it and put it away. i used to only put mine and the kid's clothes away, and would leave my husband's neatly stacked on the bed. then i decided to start putting his away for him. on top of that, i do all the dishes, clean the litter box, take the trash out, sweep and vacuum, and so on. anything that needs to be done chore-wise, i do it on friday. this does two things: it allows all the house work to be done friday so none of us have to bother with it over the weekend. it also helps my husband in small ways- he never has to worry about doing those chores cause he knows that i'll do it on friday. don't get me wrong, he often asks to help, and frequently does. but this is my way of serving my husband, weekly.

this last sunday, as i was loading the dishwasher after a meal, my husband said ' you know what? i see all the things you do around here, and i really appreciate it babe- it doesn't go un noticed' and while i don't do these things seeking praise from him, it gave me all the warm and fuzzies hearing him say that.

these are just two examples of ways we serve each other. i know, i know. it doesn't exactly scream romance. but that isn't what we're really trying to accomplish here. we are just trying to help each other, take some stress off each other. smaller ways we do this: i set the coffee pot each night, so he doesn't have to worry about it in the morning. he takes care of grocery shopping, cause he knows i hate it. i clean the litter box, just so he doesn't have to. and so on.

look for ways, big and small, that you can take some stress off of your spouse. just help them! you'd be amazed at the changes you see take place within your marriage.

another tip? pray for your spouse. and not "please just make him better" or "Lord can you make her see things my way" --- more like ' lord, please help me to be the wife my husband needs. help me to support him, encourage him, and fall in love with him over and over again'.

but the whole praying for your spouse thing? another blog, for another day :)

church, on the big screen.

i had someone ask me recently about 12stone, and if we always watched the message on the big screen-or where we could go to see a live sermon.

its funny, cause i had literally never even thought about the fact that we watched on a screen until someone asked!

and if you're not familiar with 12stone you may be wondering what i'm talking about!

12stone is one church, but in many locations. so most of the time you'll watch the sermon on a big screen- but you also have a campus pastor for whichever location you attend. now, that probably seems weird. but again, i never even realized! i mean, obviously i knew i was watching a screen, duh, it just never phased me.

(Snellville Campus Pastor Trey H. , he is pretty awesome!)

it doesn't come off as impersonal or weird or anything to me. quite the opposite. no matter where i'm sitting inside, no matter how far in the back or close up front- i can see clearly. i feel the pastor making eye contact with me, speaking to me. i can hear, and see perfectly in any seat in our church!

(larger campus)

(smaller campus)

i also love that no matter what location you attend, you get the same message. i love seeing other 12stoners out in the world, and even if we arent close friends or go to the same location- as soon as we figure out we have 12stone in common we strike up a conversation about that week's sermon! its so cool. so personal, relate-able. i love it. its like belonging to the coolest club in town (although, i'm still waiting to learn the secret handshake, and receive my de-coder ring....kidding! well, unless such things exist, ha!).

yes, its different than a typical church setting and experience- but that is exactly why i love it. the people make the church, not the building (we happily attend the Snellville campus which is currently in a high school for goodness sakes!). Not having someone standing on a stage physically in front of you, so what? heck, even when i made the decision to be baptized, i didn't even think twice about waiting till we moved in to our permanent building so it would be all fancy and on a stage with lights,etc. i was thrilled to do it in the lobby of brookwood high school surrounded by my church family up close and personal. i love that if we are sick, or out of town, and miss a sunday- we can jump online sunday night and watch the very same sermon/pastor that everyone else watched that morning!

i also love that if you don't have a bible? take one home! want some coffee? they have starbucks! church notes-check! i love the notes they hand out each week. and don't even get me started on the worship music yall.

anyhoo, give it a whirl. i have a feeling if you try 12stone, you'll fall in love with it just like i did.

i fully believe God saved me, my marriage, and my family- and i firmly know he used 12stone to do it.

what does being a mom mean to you?

mom life yall. its the name of my blog for a reason.

between adelynn's birthday this week, mother's day coming up, and just everyday life- motherhood has been on my mind a lot lately. hence my last post.

growing up there were a few things i knew: i wanted to marry young, and i wanted to be a mom. that was my great life ambition, all i ever wanted.

i got married young (21) , and the constant question came "when are yall havin' a baby??". its funny, once i got married and was expected to have a baby, i immediately wasn't ready! i pumped the brakes. i wanted to be married for a while. learn how to be a wife. mostly- enjoy my husband being home. while we were dating- it was long distance, all of it. we spent about a month and a half together total, in the same place, on the same ground. seriously. he visited home for two weeks, i visited germany for a month (he was in the army). the rest of our time dating, he was stationed in germany or deployed to iraq. we even had a 3 month break up during that deployment. then? we got married- spent two weeks together, and off he went back to iraq. we spent another six months apart before he was discharged from the army and home for good.

hence my hesitation to immediately start a family! plus, we were young- we had plenty of time!

and now? i'm a 28 year old mom of two, and it really is hard to imagine life before my babies.

to me, being a mom- means a lot of things....

- loving a tiny little human, my best friend and i created, with a love like you've never experienced-and will never understand till you experience it

- being so frustrated at times with that same tiny human, it blows your mind

- wanting sleep so bad, i literally cried over it

- having no idea what i'm doing, a lot of the time

- criticizing myself in the worst way, feeling like the worst mama ever created

- being puked on, pooped on, snotted on, peed on, and everything in between

- running on coffee, like a car running on gas

- going days without showering

- forgetting whether or not i brushed your teeth...or put on deoderant

- going shopping with goodies for myself in mind, and leaving with nothing for yourself and a ton of random things for your littles

- randomly looking at my babes, and just wanting to cry, because i just love them so much

- planning birthday parties for them 6+ months in advance

- wanting to give them the world

- googling whatever i can to help them feel better when they're sick, going to the doctor days in a row demanding answers, sleeping on the floor by their crib, and literally sucking snot out of their nose (nose freda, google it yall)

- the amount of grossness i encountered during pregnancy, delivery, recovery...and wanting to do it again and again

- singing adele at the top of my lungs every sunday on the way to church, cause they just love that song

- paranoia of forgetting memories, stories, good times and bad- so i document, every little dang thing. (hence all my pictures, videos, and journals to my girls)

- putting myrself last, so they are always first

- reading just ONE more book, cause they are adorable when they beg you to

- napping with them, in your bed. cause even though they think you're giving them this huge treat...its really a huge gift to yourself.

-selling my coach bags, michael kors bags, and every other designer thing i owned to get money together for their christmas gifts

- cleaning every friday i'm off work, so i can spend the weekend with my family without worrying about house work

- letting a teething baby literally chew on me, cause i know it helps the pain

- embracing every open mouthed, drool-filled kiss on the mouth

-sitting in the bathroom, a hot shower going, and rocking a sick little one for as long as it takes

- showing up to work exhausted after a long night of no sleep, but going in anyway ( no matter how badly you want to call out)

- using bath paints, even though it kills my ocd, cause it just makes their day

- having misophonia, but still snuggling that three year old chomping on cereal...right in my ear

- praying daily to be the best mommy i can be, but so thankful for their forgiveness on the days i fail

- worrying about their safety, their future, their hearts--constantly

i asked the facebook world what being a mom means to them, and here are a couple responses i got back:

Kristin says: ' its the most consuming obsession i've ever had. its the biggest reward i;ve earned for time spent something. its the happiest place i've ever been, it's the biggest goals i've ever dreamed about. and its the most love i've ever felt. it.is.everything.'

Kayty says:' it means shaping the future in hopes of creating a better life and future for someone you love more than your own life. it's understanding that there is something much bigger than yourself. it means that all of your life's pain is nothing compared to the joy and love you are now blessed with. it means sacrifice because no one else will. it means feeling every emotion in its entirety.'

and even a dad got in on the action (love it!), Nick says: ' it means you are the backbone of our nation!'

i couldn't have said it better myself. what does being a mommy mean to you? it has been rejuvenating for me as a mama to sit back and think about this for the past several days, i encourage you to do the same!