i was raised as a christian in the methodist church. after i married i went through RCIA and became catholic.
before adelynn turned one, joey & i had found ourselves with out a church home. we had tried a couple catholic churches, but just never connected. never got involved. and soon we lost any and all desire to go-- if we did go, it was merely out of guilt & obligation.
i've mentioned before how our friends kendall & joey had invited us numerous times to 12Stone. we came up with any excuse not to go, we just really had no desire. i even started to doubt at one point whether or not i was still a christian. i had a lot of inner monologue going on regarding this very topic. after penny was born i suddenly felt this immediate urge and need to have her baptized/dedicated/christened whatever you want to call it. but where would we do it? we had no church home. this is when we decided to give 12Stone a try.
after going a couple times i quickly got in touch with Trey, our pastor, about her dedication. on Mother's Day 2015 we had it all taken care of. i felt better knowing we had done it- and i also knew this meant i was a christian. i did believe in God. but what now?
i still had no desire to go to church. i spent most of my time exhausted. just forever tired. so sunday mornings the last thing i wanted to do was get the kids ready, get myself ready, and get us all to church. there were many sundays i would say to joey "why don't we just be lazy today? stay in our jammies and just relax?". eventually it got to the point where he told me i didnt have to go, but he would go with the girls. i inwardly rolled my eyes and said "well fine, i guess i'll go." simply because i was worried what others would think, and what it would look like if he went with the girls and i was missing. i was worried about judgement, looking bad.
so i went. but i never sang along to the worship songs. i never bowed my head or closed my eyes during prayer. i just had no feelings, i was numb. i didn't care, i wasn't connecting, there was no desire there. i often felt angry afterward. it felt fake. i felt fake.
the turning point i think, was when my friend/coworker suffered an incredible loss, an awful tragedy. i watched as she stood strong in her faith, she still leaned on God. i would be a part of group texts asking for prayers for her, for very specific needs-- and i witnessed those prayers being answered. the whole experience blew my mind.
that very day, i sent a text to my other friend/coworker, and i asked her to pray for me. and to pray for my family. my marriage. i suddenly felt like if her prayers could be answered, maybe mine could be too. but i wasn't confident enough to even attempt to pray for myself. so i asked others to do it for me- and they did. i reached out to our pastor Trey, i was very transparent and vulnerable with him- telling him things not even our closest friends or family knew about. he was extremely supportive and has continued to be.
this is when my heart started to change. this is when my whole self, my soul, started to change. slowly over the next several weeks my doubt, anger, and numbness wore off. i began to pray for the first time in years. i began to read the bible, seek out devotionals. i asked more people to pray for my needs. i started listening in church, something was stirring in my heart slowly but surely.
i started to see very subtle, small changes in life. but i noticed them; it encouraged me to continue on the journey to having a relationship with God. so, i chugged along.
now i sing out loud at church! certain songs give me goosebumps and bring me to tears. i pray HARD. i look forward to church all week long, it has become the highlight of my week every week. i've started telling everyone about 12Stone and inviting them to join us. i have been reading anything and everything i can get my hands on to nourish my walk in faith and relationship with God. i've started to write, a lot-publicly and privately. i've started a prayer request group on facebook. joey & i have joined our first small group. i'm immersing my whole life in God, in every way that i can.
when things get stressful, or difficult-- i push pause on my automatic response or reaction and my first thought is now "God". thats it. just simply, God. my whole perspective has changed in all areas. my heart is on fire, i want to know more-learn more- give more. i've volunteered to serve at church. i've started to create structure in my prayer life-- every time i'm alone in the car, no matter when it is- i use that time to pray out loud-- very specifically, very intentionally.
if i could use one word to sum up this experience, this journey, it would be that: intentional.
my husband and i are falling in love with each other again. we are working on our marriage-- we will be celebrating 7 years on friday and i know with out a doubt we're entering a whole new chapter in our marriage. there was a hole for so many years, and God is filling it. God is now at the center of our marriage. we are learning to treat each other with God-like kindness and generosity. we're learning to pray for each other. we're learning that marriage needs God, God must be the center. we are becoming better parents-- more patient, less quick to anger or get frustrated.
and it feels so good.
my whole life has changed. my heart has softened. my soul is changing.
other people have made comments to me lately that has made me realize-- others are noticing too! people are seeing this change in me.
i will forever be a work in progress. but for the first time in my entire life- i feel some peace. i sense God, i feel Him in my life- in the people in my life- all around me.
12Stone is responsible. for creating such a one of a kind atmosphere and environment. a support system and love like no other. my church family has become so important to me. Our pastor , Trey, is AWESOME. where we used to take up a few seats, we now take up 2 rows!
i am so blessed, in so many ways. the biggest? for having a God that is forever loving, forever forgiving, and forever waiting for me.
