i've been debating whether or not i wanted to write about this. part of me wonders if anyone actually even reads this so it wouldn't matter...but then part of me wonders if its too public of a place to share. but im doing this for ME.
i tend to be the suffer in silence type...but just feel compelled to speak about this once and for all.
as most people who know us have heard- we were pregnant. keyword being
were.
i really had no idea, none at all. but for some ODD reason i woke up on June 1, 2011 and randomly thought i should take a test. i ended up taking THREE. joey was in the shower, and i just thought i hadn't fully woken up yet and was seeing things. heres the third test, LOUD and clear...
i ripped open the shower curtain and shoved it in joey's face. he had the biggest grin spread across his handsome face-and i was fighting back tears! dont get me wrong, i have been wanting to be a mom for SO LONG. the first thing that popped in my mind was insurance-we had NONE. so i was panicked. but joey just kept telling me everything would be fine and we'd figure it out. i was still in shock. i got in the car shortly after (i was running late!) to head in to work, and on my way i just kinda smiled and started crying. then i said 'well little one, its me and you- i cannot WAIT to meet you' and i just knew everything would work out.
we kept this little secret for a whole 2 days lol. we were just bursting at the seams to tell EVERYONE. i went to the doctor, had it confirmed, got my due date; and it finally all became real. joey came home the day we found out with diapers and baby shoes :) such a sweet husband- he was my biggest cheerleader.
we found out on a Wedn. and that Sunday night i was spotting. it scared me but after talking with a couple people i decided it went along with the cramping and was probably just implantation bleeding.
Monday morning i got up and went to work as usual..on the way i noticed a couple of my symptoms had gone away. it worried me but i figured i was okay. i hadnt been at work for two full hours when i started to really freak. i was bleeding..more than spotting.
i called my MIL and mom and they met me at the doctor's office. i took a urine test (and what do ya know,they told my my blood pressure was through the roof-- go figure!)...and sat waiting in the exam room for what felt like forever.
the doctor came in, and just laid it out there. the test was negative. i started sobbing like i never have before, there was no holding back- my broken heart just poured out of me, right there in front of everyone. the doctor continued talking, telling me we'd do a blood test to be sure, that i probably was never pregnant, etc...but then turned around and told me i had a chemical pregnancy (which is a miscarriage at or before five weeks), she kept going back and forth with what she was telling me (she wasnt my doc, i couldnt get in with mine on a walk in so i saw another in the practice)-- which was just confusing the crap out of me.
she left the room after examining me and i just laid there and cried. i couldnt stop. i started praying 'please God, let them be wrong. Let the blood test show I'm still pregnant, please please please God'
my mom took me home and i had to call joey. i'd told him not to leave work until we knew what was going on. he instantly left to meet me at home. i would never know how he was hurting until weeks later when it all came pouring out-- he was my rock, taking care of me, holding me, loving me. talking about it with me when i wanted to, living in denial with me when i wanted, and sitting in silence with me when i was quiet. he was there for me like no one ever has been.
this kind of pain is unlike any other i have ever felt,in my life. and it doesn't go away, not completely anyways. i want to be a mom so bad it hurts, i thought it was finally my turn. even though this baby was a bit of surprise, it was the biggest blessing we couldve ever hoped for. i walked around everyday with my chest just literally hurting. i would randomly start crying and couldnt stop. i went inside myself and shut everyone out. i kicked myself for telling the world so soon-- i was embarassed, ashamed, and hated having to tell everyone what happened.
people poured out their heart to me, praying for me, loving me, reaching out-- and i appreciated it, but barely responded. i just wanted to be alone, lay in bed, and just be sad. i took the day after off of work but the following day i went in- some told me i shouldve taken time off but i figured hey, i have a job to do. and maybe itll do me some good to stay busy. but it was hard-- i thought everyone knew...but then i started getting FBs, emails, txts, people at work coming to me and saying congrats. its one of the most awkward moments ever- what do you say? i just went still, froze, and waited. waited for someone to speak up and tell them so i didnt have to say the words- AGAIN.
for about a week i fell away from my faith. i was angry with God. i didnt understand why this happened to me. this (and infertility) has always been my biggest fear. why did this happen to us? it just wasnt fair. but God was patient with me and waited, and sure enough i came back to Him. i still dont understand, and im still hurting. but i know God has a plan. in the weeks following losing our baby, he blessed me with dreams.
these dreams have come to mean a great deal to me. every single night i had a dream about a baby named Shelby. sometimes it was a girl, sometimes a boy, and sometimes i couldnt tell. i talked to joey, my MIL, and claire about it to get their take on it. all 3 initially said they thought that was our babys name. but i just didnt feel it in my gut. i couldnt put my finger on it, but it just didnt feel like that was the case. joey & i talked about it again recently, and i truly believe God gave me those dreams as a sign of hope. i think Shelby is our baby that lives. our future baby.
Shelby is a name we've always liked (for girl or boy) but it was never this prominent, we had other names we'd liked better and that was one of our backups. but now? its all i can think about. thats the life preserver God threw out to me, to get me through losing the baby. thats our future, our hope. and i cant wait to meet Shelby one day.
the thing is, im still sad. but its getting better. im trying like hell to be positive, and not let myself wallow in the pain. but its hard. seeing all these girls around me pregnant, or out shopping and seeing little ones, seeing someone announce on facebook they're pregnant, etc...i cant help but get a little pain in my chest and think ' that should be me. i should be shopping for maternity clothes, lookin at nursery ideas..' why isnt it me? i had downloaded an app on my phone, baby tracker i think its called, and i'd entered in my due date. every week it showed me what my baby looked like and gave me cool little info about that week. i'd totally forgotten about it and came across it while playing on my phone. i wouldve been 11 weeks tomorrow.
that hurts.
but im moving forward. like i said, i still have times where i just hurt. im so sad i didnt get to meet that baby. i went through the whole ' what did i do wrong?' thinking it was my fault. i blamed myself, questioned God,etc. joey & i talked about it, usually at night in bed. funny how you feel more vulnerable late at night, in the dark, laying in bed. thats when i talked about it most. i told him how scared i was to even try again, scared to lose another baby. i told him how sad i was, and he would just hold me.
i just have to hold on to the hope of Shelby. and love the baby we lost with all my heart. i pray about the baby, i talk to the baby; joey & i are still searching for a name for the baby- because every baby needs a name. we're just searching for the perfect one, we dont take it lightly.
i dont know why this happened to us, i dont think i ever will. but i know we'll get through it. i know every day that passes, we both get a little better.
and.... theres' always shelby to look forward to <3
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."
