so unperfect.

i was a bad mom today.

and to know it, is the worst feeling in the world.

slow your roll reader, its not like i beat my kid or something today. no no.

i was impatient today. my three year old has been sick since Friday- we missed out on a lot of family time and important events. relatives were in town we haven't seen in forever. i was upset. but i kept telling myself ' its not her fault'. i mean poor baby, she was throwing up! so we've been house bound most of the weekend. she hasn't thrown up in well over 24 hours though and seems to want to eat, so i think shes okay ( now daddy has it).

but i was tired today. and impatient. she wanted to play, and i wanted to lay on the couch. she fought me at bedtime, and i yelled at her. not like screamed, just yelled. but i hardly ever raise my voice to her. i saw the look on her face and i was still so mad i didn't even care. i went downstairs and not even 2 minutes later the mom guilt washed over me. i felt like a piece of shit.

i walked upstairs and held her, i told her i was sorry for yelling at her and made sure she understood. she pointed to the canvas above her bed of me,her, and daddy and said " mommys happy."

ya'll, it broke my heart.

i kissed her and hugged her and said " yes, mommy IS happy. i love you so much" and she smiled and snuggled in to me and said " mommy is happy, daddy is happy, i'm happy".

heart.shattered.

i've been in such a deep depression the last several months. and i still see my sweet baby as just that: a baby. i realized tonight, she sees things. she notices when we're happy, mad, or sad.

she saw me crying yesterday and said " mommy, whats wrong? you're sad?"

this weekend has been a mom fail for me all around. and it has affected me in a huge way realizing she is seeing more than i thought she was.

for the most part, i am SO MUCH BETTER than i've been in months. really i am. i guess this weekend was just an off weekend, i was just overwhelmed/tired/stressed. i'm not really sure. but that darkness started creeping back in.

and i really want to refuse to let it back in. especially after this realization with my sweet boog.

i feel like a terrible mother right now. i'm gonna wallow in it tonight. and tomorrow, is a new day. i'm determined to step up and be better for my kids, and really for me too.

two steps forward, three steps back.

things were getting better. today is an 'off' day. i'm in the dark place again.

i wish i could help someone who has never experienced depression, understand what its like.

every single morning, i wake up- and wonder how the day will go. i try to pump myself up, be positive and cheery. but most days, it is literally moment by moment. each moment i over analyze my emotions and reactions. each moment i coach myself to over come whatever is in front of me.

it could be something as simple as a text from someone. it upsets me. so i leave it in my inbox, and look at it probably 15 times trying to decide if my feelings are warranted and true, or if i'm being emotional and taking it the wrong way. seriously. something THAT small. i have to work through each and every moment through out the day.

my first therapy session went well- i came out of it knowing what my issues were- shit, i went in to it knowing what my issues are. i have no problem recognizing the problem, self diagnosing. its the whole, working through it/getting better i have trouble with. my coping skills = bad. duh, obviously. my new mantra (according to the therapist) is 'fake it till you make it'. basically tricking myself in to being happy, and sane again.

i just want some peace.

today, i think, is difficult- because i didn't sleep last night. i was wide awake till almost midnight, got up at 3:30 with the baby- then boog was wide awake so i finally gave in and put her in our bed- but then she wanted to be chatty. then woke up at 6:45...tired. oh, and joey left for the weekend. he went camping with some friends, left this morning and wont be back till sometime sunday afternoon. i've known about it for at least a month, so i've been preparing myself for it-- yes, i have to prepare myself for shit like that. i don't do well with last minute stuff, so he smartly (is that a word? no?) planned this and told me about it well in advance. he knows his wife's kinda crazy.

i digress.

so i didn't sleep, he's gone. i ended up being off work today, but have nothing to do- everyone is at work and (surprise surprise) i have no money to go do anything anyway. i'm already feeling lonely, and he's only been gone 3 hours. pathetic. the weekend feels impossible to me, daunting really. i can already tell its going to go slowly. i'm sitting here, crying, because i feel so overwhelmed- already.

ridiculous.

what is even more frustrating- is i'm sitting here, self diagnosing, addressing what the problem is, knowing how ridiculous it is-- but i'm still crying. i still have anxiety.

its just exhausting being in my own head right now ya'll.

i was planning to get my hair done tomorrow- the little things ladies, they excite me. two hours to make myself feel pretty, and have some 'me' time. i had already cancelled once- i've been trying to get to this dang appointment since february. i literally get my hair done, maybe twice a year- so its a big deal to me. my sitter fell through, so all morning i've been trying to find someone who can watch the girls while i go. nada. everyone is out of town, or busy.

so now that i've really worked myself up, i'm gonna cry this out- try to dry my tears. and carry on. the house ain't gonna clean itself.

God & I.

God and I have a weird relationship. I would say most of my life, that relationship has been pretty non existent.

I was raised in the Methodist church, and we went to church weekly. I even went to Youth group on Wednesday and Sunday nights, but honestly it was to socialize.

In college, I went to a Methodist private school, but not because it was a Christian school. I just loved the area, the campus, the feel of it. (it was pretty amazing.)

After getting married, I enrolled in RCIA to learn about the Catholic faith, since I married in to a Catholic family. I felt very inspired and moved throughout the classes, and decided to convert. I wanted to be the same as my husband and future kiddos.

For the first year after converting, I was passionate and motivated. I don't remember what changed, but it changed. My husband and I started dreading going to church, we lacked the motivation or desire. Then we had our three year old and just about everything got put on the back burner while I struggled through post partum depression, and we tried figuring out this whole parenting thing. After that, the excuses were we didn't want to take the baby, but also didn't want to leave her in the nursery. We were tired from life with a newborn. We hadn't found a church we really felt at home at, or enjoyed going to. All of those were legitimate, but they were excuses too.

So fast forward to now. It has been a good three years, or more, since we went to church regularly. We wanted to go to a church we felt at home at, and we wanted to go to church because we WANTED to. Not out of obligation.

Some friends of ours, Kendall & Joey, had invited us to their church numerous times but we always gave a reason we couldn't. We just had no motivation, we just weren't interested. They never pressured or judged, but left the invitation open. I would see them post about 12Stone on Facebook and it would make me stop and think for a minute...but then I'd just keep scrolling.

I believe in God, I always have. I've just never 'felt' the Holy Spirit, or felt like God was speaking to me, or even like he was listening to me. I did my fair share of praying and just never felt heard. I started to doubt if I was even a Christian anymore, and it was a weird feeling.

The moment I KNEW I was still a Christian, was after Penny was born. We started talking about her baptism and I felt this urgency to have her baptized. That is how I know, I still believe in God. I'm still a Christian-- just haven't been a very good one lately. Well, I don't even want to accuse myself of that. Its not that I hadn't been a good one, its that I lost my way. There was no fire, no motivation, no faith really.

Joey came to me a few weeks ago and said he really wanted to get back in to church. I wasn't jumping for joy, but I knew he was right and I also wanted to support HIM. Its not all about me ya'll. So we finally decided to take Kendall and Joey up on their invitation to 12Stone. I was anxious, nervous, dreading it. We went.....and loved it. It was hands down the best church experience either of us have had in YEARS. For me personally, maybe EVER. It just felt right.

However this didn't make me Captain Christian over night. I can't tell ya the last time I prayed. and honestly, sitting in church this past weekend- I enjoyed it, but in my mind I had a little inner monologue going. Basically, I'm just angry with God.

The past several months have torn me down as a whole. I'm struggling, daily. All day every day. and I'm mad at God. I'm not praying, I roll my eyes, and just...feel let down.

So I'm going to keep going to church, and try to light a fire in my heart. Try to start praying again. It is definitely going to take some time, and some work on my part. I feel awkward praying, especially if it is out loud. I'm sad to say I don't think Joey and I have ever prayed together. I always hear about how important it is to pray with your spouse, how it can nurture your marriage- but it honestly gives me anxiety and makes me feel awkward just thinking about it. I have NO idea why.

I'm very very lost, but I still believe. I'm thankful we have two friends who are a good example of what a Christian is. I'm also really glad we've finally found a home church. 12Stone is  pretty amazing. We finally set up a dedication for Penny with them, and I'm really glad we got it on the books-- we decided to ask Kendall & Joey to be her Godparents, since we really give them credit for getting us back to church, and taking us under their wing.

We will see where this little journey takes me. It will definitely definitely take work on my part. God and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye right now. I really need my life to turn around, so I'm hoping He'll help me with that. I need peace like you wouldn't believe.

Bruce Jenner

This is what I think about Bruce Jenner:

What he does with his life doesn't affect me or my family. I think what he did was brave. GOOD FOR HIM.

One thing that I could relate to as I was watching the interview, was the inner turmoil, pain, depression, and hopelessness.

I deal with all of those same issues, though it may be for different reasons.

For him to live 60 years that way is heartbreaking to me. Good for him to have the courage to take his life back, and do what is necessary to be happy and whole. To be at peace.

I've always considered myself accepting and open minded with MOST things- I'm not perfect. But I believe everyone should live their life in a way that makes them happy, in a way that is real. Love whomever they love- because you truly can't choose who you fall in love with.

Am I a Christian? Yep. Despite what the bible may say on subjects like these... Wait for it.... Might make ya mad...

The bible is wrong. The bible is old! Well okay calm down- it's not wrong. It was maybe right for that time period. For the way the world was then.

It was written a VERY long time ago in a world that was much different than it is today.

I think people need to have the freedom to be themselves- however they may have been born or raised.

It doesn't affect me or you. So who cares? Let them live, just like you get to live YOUR life.

Cheers to you Bruce, can't wait to "meet" Her.

The perfect day.

Perfect day? What would that look like for this lady... Fun to ponder on.

24 hours. Starting the night before: a good, hard SLEEP.

Wake up around 8am, enjoy coffee in bed- slow movin mornin.

Meet one of my girlfriends for mani/pedi.

Sushi lunch

Hour long massage

Facial

Movie date with my guy.

Mall trip for a shopping scavenger hunt of the following:

- Apple watch

- Sephora spree 

- books , lots of books

- patio furniture

- rocking chairs

- clothes

- coffee grinder

-organic coffee beans

- jewelry

Then I'd hop online and splurge on oils and Younique, along with some etsy finds.

Next I'd go home with all my loot and take a three hour nap. While napping someone would replace our kitchen floor, living room carpet, my mariner with a fully loaded mini van, and re pour our patio.

Ending the day with dinner at the pool with husband and kiddos.

Oh and maybe a hot bath, then another good nights sleep.

That's not too much to ask... Right?

Guess I need to start playing the lottery!

why i journal to my girls.

when adelynn was born, i knew i would keep up her baby book. aside from that i didn't plan on much else. but while i was in the hospital, my aunt came to visit me and brought gifts. one of the things she brought me was this pretty journal:

initially i thought ' that is so pretty! what the heck will i use it for?'

when adelynn was about 4 weeks old, i realized i had all of these thoughts, feelings, experiences that i wanted to remember- and more importantly, that i wanted to tell her about one day. i had seen an idea on Pinterest about starting an email account specifically for you child and writing them emails, then when they are older giving them the password. loved that idea. but i had this pretty journal, so i decided to go the old school route.

my plan initially was to give it to her when she turned 18. then i changed my mind to her wedding day, THEN i decided when she has her first child. my mom was always trying to give me stuff from my childhood, or old toys etc from when i was a kid- and i always just told her to toss it. even when i was pregnant! i realize i didn't appreciate those things until i became a mommy, holding my baby in my arms. then i got it.

once i started journaling, i couldn't stop. i didn't want to forget anything! i write about whats going on in our lives, holidays, birthdays, funny things she does, when she is sick, etc. the good and the bad- all of it! i finished this first journal when she was about 18 months old. i tucked it away in our hope chest, and already had a second one ready for her. 

i found this on Etsy, an italian lady hand paints/binds the pages, and it is gorgeous. it has a ton of pages so i've been using this one since she was 18 moths old, and she is now 3 and i'm not even half way through it! my MIL got this for me for my birthday one year. (even wrote a blog about it, HERE)

so, i knew when i got pregnant with penny girl, i would want to do the same thing. i started collecting little journals i thought were cute as i saw them out and about.

and when penny was born- i was ready! i started writing to her right away. she was born Nov. 11th and i wrote her first entry Nov. 17th.

i plan on doing this for years to come, and like i said- giving them their journals when they have their first child. i really hope they enjoy reading through them one day. maybe learn some parenting tricks, laugh at the cute stories about them, and also appreciate the realness and transparency. realizing i won't be giving them these till they are much older- i don't leave a lot out. i talk about when joey was laid off in 2013, when i was let go recently, depression i'm dealing with, financial stress, marriage, etc. i keep it real because i want them to be able to learn. i remember writing a particular entry when joey and i went to gatlinburg for a weekend to celebrate our sixth anniversary. i wrote to them both about how in love their daddy & mommy are. and how important it is to nurture your relationship with your spouse, as that is the foundation for our family. being connected, communicating, spending quality time together- it helps our marriage, and in turn, helps us be better parents to them.

i take my journals everywhere. i used to carry them in my purse (when i had a bigger purse) so i could write on my lunch break, or wherever i may be. anytime i've traveled i've taken them with me, and i always find some time to write.

i love writing while they are napping- i can see them sleeping peacefully on the monitor, sip my coffee (or wine), and write away. fill the pages with stories, fears, love, and more.

i also started getting a book for birthdays- obviously penny hasn't had a birthday yet, but i started it with adelynn and will continue with penny.

its almost a way for family/friends to journal to them once a year, or like a little year book. i also plan to give them these books when they get pregnant with their first (perfect baby shower gift, i can see it now!) so they have a little collection of books for their babies.

i put them out at birthday parties and make sure everyone signs them :)

adelynn's first birthday:

adelynn's second birthday:

adelynn's third birthday:

i've really enjoyed this little tradition. i hope my girls , one day, will enjoy reading about their lives from their mommy's point of view :)

I dreamnt we'd all take care of each other.

The new normal, #momlife

I've come to realize that I'm not alone. After getting several messages, texts, and emails from other mamas and pre-mamas I've noticed a trend.

Sometimes:

We all struggle.

We all hurt.

We all feel crazy.

We all feel resentful.

We all need help.

We are depressed.

We are anxious.

We love our kids, husbands, friends- but sometimes we need time for us. Sometimes we need to be allowed to be vulnerable, weak, ask for help. We need to be taken care of.

Admitting all of that- makes us STRONG.

So, let's do it.

1-2x a month, let's all get together. No kids, no husbands- just us. Let's vent, cry, complain whatever over a glass of wine or bottle of beer. Let's relax and decompress, take some time for US.

Times are tough- so to keep it cheap: 

- eat dinner before you come!

- BYOB

- have the hubs watch the kids

- let's host at different people's homes 

I'm notorious for KNOWING I need me time- but then it comes down to it and I feel guilty for leaving the kids, or "abandoning" my husband. Or I'm "too tired". Whatever the excuse. No more excuses!

Time to take care of ourselves, embrace the new normal, and love each other back to sanity!