my granny isn't doing well.
she has been in a hospice facility since Monday, and the plan was to take her yesterday to my uncle's house in Griffin so they could take care of her. i came up here yesterday to spend time with her before she went, because i knew i wouldn't see her as much, if at all, once she was over an hour away. i spent all day and night with her, just holding her hand. she ended up getting worse throughout the day, so they cancelled plans to move her- and she is now staying here.
i went to her house to see her last Thursday, and she knew who i was. when i saw her Monday, she knew who i was initially but by the time i left she didn't know me. yesterday, she would shake her head 'yes' when i asked if she knew me, but i don't think she really did. she has progressively gotten worse.
at this point we're told, the oxygen they are giving her is what is keeping her here. so they are going to slowly decrease it through out today- all the family is here to be with her.
i will forever be grateful for the time i've gotten to spend with her these last couple days. just her and i alone, staring at each other.
yesterday when i first got here, i knew she didn't know who i was, i asked her what my name was and she just smiled at me. i said 'kelly, i'm your kelly girl' and she said 'your eyes are so pretty, and i love you so much.'
at one point, i leaned in and whispered in her ear "you're my favorite granny, and i love you so much more than you know" - she smiled and started to whisper so i leaned in and she whispered 'i love you more'. at this point in the day she wasn't recognizing anyone, and wouldn't let us near her, she seemed very afraid. so i asked her 'can i hug you?' she shook her head yes and i wrapped my arms around her, she leaned her head in to my neck. i cried my eyes out. it was such a sweet moment.
today when i got here, she called me betty (my paw paw's sister) and told me how pretty i was. i just smiled and told her i loved her, she said ' i love you too', and i said 'i love you more', to which she replied ' no you dont!'.
it has been such an emotional roller coaster- one minute i feel calm, and at peace. the next i'm falling apart and crying. what an incredibly surreal experience this is. i cannot imagine a life with out my granny in it. selfishly, i don't want her to go. but at this point, i know her body is exhausted. i just pray God covers her in peace and comfort, and there is no pain or fear.
a few minutes ago she looked at me and said 'i don't want to sleep'. i told her she didn't have to sleep if she didn't want to, and she smiled.
a few minutes later, she fell asleep.
all day yesterday i spent holding her hand, and just staring at her. talking to her a little when her eyes were open, and just smiling at her reassuringly. i've tried to step out of the room when i cry, because i don't want her to be upset or sad, i don't want her to feel anything but peace, and love.
i've accepted that this is it, she isn't going to get better. and i don't know how to feel about it right now.
i just love her so much-- i hope she knows how incredibly loved she is by all these people around her, even if she doesn't remember who we are.
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