can i be a kid again?

i haven't written in a long time, it has been bugging me really. i mean, its been since may. but, i just didn't have anything bursting out of me that i had to write out. on my way home from my grandparents, i knew as soon as i walked in the door i would sit down to write.

it seems i have something to get out in my little blog, when i'm filled with emotion.

my granny isn't doing well, she hasn't been for a little while now. i've had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. denial is my friend. one day i'm totally lost in the sadness i feel, the ache in my heart. another day i'm living in blissful denial thinking she is doing just fine. that is the tricky thing with it, there are good days and bad days.

i've always been close with my granny and pawpaw, and i guess i just always had this kid mentality of them living forever. because i really can't picture life with out either of them. i have a lot of guilt, beating myself up-- i haven't spent enough time with them. my mom would tell me i needed to get over and see them-- and ya'll, i'm off work EVERY friday. i just kept thinking i'd go soon, i'd go tomorrow, next week. i got so wrapped up in running a household, being a wife, a mom, an employee, that seeing my grandparents (among a list of other things) got put on the back burner. and now i feel this urgency, like i'm running out of time. i used to be with them regularly growing up. i loved spending the night over there, shopping with my granny, having dinner every week with them.

i have always been my granny's 'kelly girl', even now as an adult, when she calls me that it makes me fee so special. i'm her kelly girl. i guess thats where 'penny girl' came from. but today, was the first time she didn't know me. she had no idea who i was. she kept asking about my sister (i dont have one), and normally when i say "i love you granny" she'll come right back with a smile and say "i love you too kelly girl"... but today, she didn't. today she just looked at me and said "thank you. thanks for visiting." it made me really sad. i know its a mixture of low oxygen, lack of sleep, and medications. i know she knows me. but it still broke my heart.

i'm an adult. i'm going on 30, have two kids of my own, i'm grown. but i feel so far from it when it comes to this. i feel like a little girl. confused, hurting, worried. i've been trying to lean on God, lean on my faith- but its just hard some times. most times, i just want to allow myself to fall apart and cry. but i'm trying to be strong, be there for my family, and help however i can. but ya'll....i just want to be a kid.

this is part of life, it really is. but it doesn't mean its easy, cause it is far from it. i'm praying God guides me through this so i handle it the best way possible. i pray he gives me comfort and strength so i can step up and be there for my family in every way.