4 weeks of grief.

it has been a month since my granny passed away. four weeks of grief.

i woke up yesterday feeling blissful. i've had moments of peace over the last few weeks but for the most part, i've been in the dark place.

the first week she was gone, i cried a lot. more than i have in a long time. at the drop of a hat the tears would come. in the morning i woke up foggy, and it would hit me, and i couldn't stop the tears. that first week back to work i cried every day on the way there, and each afternoon on the way home. at night i laid in bed next to my sleeping husband, just praying for sleep. crying silently for hours.

the second week, i was numb. i just felt nothing, it was a really confusing feeling. i felt empty. walked around in a daze, hardly cried at all.

the third week, i was angry. at every one and every thing. i just walked around feeling this rage inside that i couldn't pinpoint or explain. i had no idea what i was angry at, but it filled my whole self. i hated myself that week. i was short with my husband, had no patience for my kids. i was a real jerk.

this last week i felt half normal, but still not sleeping well.

saturday night, after putting adelynn in bed, i was reading a book and she called for me. this isn't unusual, and if you have a four year old i'm sure you understand! she calls us in there many times a night before finally falling asleep.

she was holding the pamphlet from granny's funeral- it took me by surprise because i have no idea where she got it from.

she said " who is this and what does it say?"

'thats my granny, it says she is in heaven with Jesus'

she began stroking my hair, my cheek, and said " mommy, if you walk up there you can talk to your granny. she is with Jesus but you can talk to her. mommy, just tell daddy that your granny is in heaven but that you want to talk to her. you can talk to her."

it took my breath away. all i've thought over and over since granny passed, was i wish i could talk to her. i wish i could hear from her. get some kind of sign. after kissing my sweet girl and heading back to my room, i sat in bed and just thought over everything she had said.

on a more material note, the day after she passed i started looking for anything and everything to keep her close to me. rings, necklaces,memory boxes, etc. i found a store on etsy that inscribed her handwriting 'love granny' on a ring for me, along with her thumbprint. my SIL court is making me a locket out of dried flowers from the funeral. i was drooling over an origami owl locket to build in memory of her. i just wanted her close to me in every way.

i opened up an origami owl online party to try and earn myself a locket free, since lord knows i didn't have the money for it. in the time my party was open: two good friends bought me charms, one bought me a chain, and my coworkers all pitched in and got me the locket. mind blown. how did i get so lucky to be surrounded by such thoughtful and sweet people? why were they spending their money on me? i just couldn't fathom it. so low and behold i ended up with what i refer to as my granny locket.

i added a picture of granny and paw paw in it, and it was the perfect final touch. i'm still waiting on two charms to come in the mail, so i can hardly wait to complete it. it is so very special to me, i've been wearing it every single day since i got it.

i think of granny every day. it makes me sad that it took her passing away for me to think of her so often. it is so easy to take advantage of the fact our loved ones are here. cause they are here, till they are not. and it is so easy to have regrets, i have absolutely learned that through all of this. lots of regrets, but i'm trying really hard to work through those.

a lot of times it still doesnt seem real that she isnt here. i keep thinking i'll call her up, or go over there, and there she'll be. but she isnt. and that is the hardest realization.

i miss her, like crazy.but slowly, i'm getting better. i'm getting more peace. i think i'll always be sad, that will always be a hole in my heart. but i know she is with jesus. i know she wasn't going to get better. i know she was tired. i know all of these things, which doesn't make it easier.... but i'll get there. i'll be at peace, a little bit more every day.