tested.

so, i feel like i failed the first test (that i was aware of anyway, consciously) God laid out before me.

friday afternoon a friend invited me out- as much as i wanted to go, i was tired- the kids were going to be home soon, and i didn't want to just bail on joey to fend for himself with the kids. he encouraged me to go if i wanted to though, since i really never go out like that. so i finally, after an hour, said "fine, i'll go" but thought it would be for a drink, maybe two, then my friend and i would come back to my house to hang with our husbands and do some crafts for our small group.

 i crashed and burned ya'll.

she was ready to go after a couple drinks, but i was the one saying " just one more!" because in my head i'm thinking: i NEVER get to do this! the problem is, my tolerance is very low when it comes to alcohol- back in the day i drank like a fish no problem! but motherhood has calmed me down and in all honesty- i don't love going over board anymore. the hang over is not worth it, and being a mom i just feel like...thats just now how i want to be. alcoholism runs pretty deep in my family tree as well, so it would be very easy to find myself in that life.don't get me wrong- joey and i keep alcohol in the house- we like to enjoy a beer or two, glass of wine-while hanging with friends. but we never "party" so to say.

well. i went too far-drank way too much. but it gets worse. when we finally closed out our tab i dragged my friend across the street to another bar, "just one drink then we'll leave." and we did- one drink (for me anyway) and gone.

however- we didn't tell our husbands where we were, that we were changing locations. also, i REALLY shouldn't have driven. granted it was about a mile down the road from our house BUT goodness...thats no excuse. i barely remember coming home yall. and when i did get home my husband told me i was pretty belligerent and rude to our friend's husband. then i proceeded to throw up, a LOT. joey put me to bed, and when i woke up the next morning i thought "what did i do?".

shame. lots of shame. this is not how i want to be, i don't want to act like that! 

our husbands were worried because we texted saying we were on the way back, but then did NOT tell them we were going somewhere else- so here they thought we'd be home any minute, but we weren't. and me driving? shouldn't have happened. i could've hurt someone else, killed myself, left my girls motherless, left some other children out there without a mother or father! i was horrified at the way i acted the night before.

joey is forgiving- he knew i was beating myself up enough about it so he didn't dwell on it. he also knows this isn't a regular thing for me, so he didn't hold it against me. i apologized to both my friend and her husband for my actions and asked them for forgiveness. yet it has stayed with me ALL weekend long.

i am ashamed, embarrassed, and so disappointed in myself. i had MANY moments where my gut told me to go home. or even initially when i fought going out for an hour before i finally caved and went. that was God ya'll. He knew, He knew how the night would go. i failed that test miserably. and it bothers me so bad.

I have been working so hard on this relationship with God, bettering myself and living as a Christian. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk. and then look what happened! My husband and friends forgave me instantly. and I prayed to God asking Him for forgiveness, I know I have it- but I don't have any peace yet. it has bothered me all weekend long. I'm just mad at myself.

is this the first time I have ever drank too much, or driven home? been a mean drunk? absolutley not- but this is the first time it has bothered me this much. i know that means my heart is changing, and my life is transforming on this journey with God. I know that, so thats good. And in the future, before i over indulge? i'm going to think of this time, and remind myself of how i'm feeling right now.

Thank God i serve a forgiving God, that loves me despite my actions, and forgives me always.





*edit: this bothered me for a long time. i didn't drink a drop for about three months. after talking with a friend she gave me a different perspective: she felt like God wouldn't set me up to fail- good point. i don't think He would either! but maybe this happening, just showed me i'm ready to close that chapter of my life. i was ready to not be 'that' way anymore. i was ready to move on. touche' friend, touche'.
since, i've had a couple drinks here and there- but am very aware of how much i drink. and honestly? i just don't have the taste for it like i used to.